Family Fighting - AIBU

[Adsy1988]

Long post, apologies, but looking for input.

I split from my now ex wife three years ago. When I moved out we agreed we would coparent our children, and as she worked five nights on, five off at the time, I would have the kids when she was working.

She changed jobs six months after separating, working mixed shifts, but basically I would get the kids when she was working and the odd other day to give her time off.

It became more erratic trying to get the shifts from her that she was working (would change every month, no two weeks tended to be the same), so when I began divorce proceedings last year, I said to my solicitor that I wanted to get set days put in place as it would make my life a lot simpler knowing when I could plan stuff with the kids and when I could arrange to do things when they were with their Mum.

Basically she went mental at this, and stopped me from seeing the children for three weeks, believing that it was my girlfriend who was pushing for set days, and she refused to dance to her tune.

My parents got involved, and whilst they didn’t side with her exactly, they basically enabled her behaviour by volunteering to collect the kids from school when otherwise I would have been doing it.

Eventually after three long, horrendous and sleepless weeks, my ex relented and allowed me to have access to the kids again.

During this time that I was not allowed to see my boys social services were involved at the school as my eldest son reported to the school that his mother had assaulted him in the home. Nothing came of the investigation and she strenuously denied the allegation.

I basically have had no contact whatsoever with any of my family since I discovered this late last year, as I was absolutely speechless that my parents knew my son had reported this to the school, and didn’t inform me, believing that it wasn’t their responsibility, and that my ex should have told me.

My sister hasn’t spoken to me since this all happened as well as she is disgusted that my mum and I had a good relationship prior to this, but it has just left a bitter taste in my mouth that my parents not only enabled her behaviour, but didn’t tell me about social services being involved.

Since all of this I have managed to get set days in place, we take it week about, and the boys are thriving. I have started speaking to my mum maybe once every two weeks, but things aren’t really the same.

My girlfriend has basically stated that she wants nothing to do with them and as far as she is concerned they will never be a part of our lives going forward. Whilst I see her point, I would like at some point to be able to be in the same room as them and to get along again.

So, AIBU at being raging at how they acted, but also AIBU to ask for some sort of relationship with my parents going forward? I’m never going to get an apology from them for how they acted, but you only get one set of parents!

I wouldn't be focusing on your parents, who sounds like they were just trying to help, but instead the worrying situation with the school / sorting access etc. What is the point in blaming your parents and falling out with them over it. Sounds like this family all have form for blaming and behaving in silly ways to be honest. they need to grow up.

The schools mentality was that I was not allowed to be informed by them before social services were involved. They stated that their Mum wasn’t informed of the allegation until she went to collect them from school that day, and then again, the onus should have been on her informing me. Which wasn’t likely given at that point she had stopped me from getting access and knew that this would have allowed me to see them once again.

Was only after this occurred, and yet another pleading phone call from me that she reinstated access. Whether she was shitting it that I would find out of my own accord and go a legal route to get access, or whether she wasn’t coping, I don’t know. At that point I was just ecstatic to get to see my boys. Was only through going to the school to collect them the following week that my son’s teacher let it slip.

It sounds as though your parents were putting their grandchildren first rather than siding with your ex.

Did Social Care not make contact with you as a parent with P.R? they should have completed a child and family assessment to understand the children's environment.

If you want a relationship with your parents and sister, you need to consider what their perspective of the situation was.

Dew, no contact whatsoever with Social Services and myself. I was completely in the dark until the teacher let it slip. I called them three or four times, sent an email, and basically just got hit with a brick wall, stating that whilst a complaint had been made, they had no concerns about the welfare of the children in her care.

I have since twice emailed again requesting information as to why I was not informed and had absolutely nothing back.

If you look on your Local Safeguarding Board for Children's Social Care, you will find an escalation policy for making a complaint.

I would follow this.

Children very quickly get caught up in the middle of contact issues, especially when in the court arena.

Do you now have an arrangement order for contact?

No arrangement contact in place, I was advised by my solicitor that it best to have an ad hoc arrangement in place prior to divorce proceedings, and once they have been completed (lodged last week, hurrah!), it is easier to get something completed through the courts.

I don’t expect her to go back on the agreement we have in place just now (I collect them from school on a Thursday afternoon and have them until the following Thursday morning), as my parents continue to collect the children from school on the days that the boys are with her and she cannot do it as she is in work. But obviously would be beneficial and sensible to have this written up legally to prevent access being withheld again.

It sounds like you're doing everything right. An access agreement formally agreed and court-sanctioned is definitely the way to go under the described circumstances.

I would still be quite gutted if my parents went behind my back in this manner and pretended it was about the children. IT wasn't. It was about THEM seeing their grandchildren, which they prioritised over YOU, THEIR OWN SON, seeing his own children. I don't think I could get past that, frankly. THey should have supported you in pursuing legal avenues of sorting all this out, rather than going behind your back and pretending it was all about the children. If it was about the children, they would have been supporting having their father as a regular presence in their lives as before as a priority, not themselves.

I'm with your girlfriend, and I wouldn't want much to do with them going forward.

Your current GF has made it clear she wants nothing to do with your kids - I don't know why you think you can change her mind about that. If you haven't moved in together yet I'd put a distance there and think twice. She sounds similar to your ex wife.

May I ask if you’re a woman or a man? If you’re a woman, I would be really concerned that the school and social services are doing the old school shutting out of the same sex spouse or partner that used to be rife. If that’s the case, I would start to escalate it with the school and get something written in place mandating you to be contacted. Something feels off with the way the institutions handled this. I wonder if your ex told them something like you weren’t actually a parent?

It would definitely be advisable to have this written, but if the court process causes her to become difficult I would advise signing an agreement at mediation.
Then if it is broken, apply for a child arrangement order through court

The back up of mediation, will go a long way to demonstrate that you're able to be reasonable.

Your partner aside, do you want to rebuild your family relationship?

Please bear in mind that you have some responsibility for this mess. You started demanding set days when it was blindingly obvious that the DC's mum had no control over her shift patterns (I assume you have never done shift work and therefore have no understanding of how difficult it can be if you work for someone who will not agree shift patterns with any more than a couple of weeks' notice.) Therefore the mum had to make alternative arrangements for childcare when she was working, which would have annoyed her. Because it would have come across as you being a controlling dick for no reason other than to interfere in her life.

I’m a guy yeah. I think, and I’m speculating, at the time this occurred I wasn’t getting access to the kids so I believe when my ex wife was asked who else was involved she has stated that she was a single mum therefore I wasn’t informed. I’ve tried to ask my son what was said to him but he is embarrassed about the situation, so I haven’t really pressed it with him.

I do now live with my girlfriend, as do my kids when they are with me. She’s nothing like my ex wife whatsoever, I would have ran a mile if any of her mannerisms appeared like hers

I would like a relationship with my parents. They’re not bad people, they love the bones off their grandkids. Perhaps not the most loving parents in the world but they’re good people and I know they have wronged me, but it makes me sad at the thought that if we were to have children or get married that they wouldn’t be involved.

Just parking the other issues as pp posters are giving advice on it, I personally find this a bit problematic:

My girlfriend has basically stated that she wants nothing to do with them and as far as she is concerned they will never be a part of our lives going forward.

Does she love drama? It’s for you and your parents to rebuild your relationship how you see fit. I don’t think her laying down the law like that is helpful. Your parents may not have been in the right, but it feels a bit like your girlfriend is keen to keep an estrangement going. I find that unhelpful. But only you will know if she is doing that for your benefit or if she is a bit of a drama queen.

Your dad needs his head examined. How did that convo go over tea and crumpets?

"Alan, you know how your son, your flesh and blood, the continuer of the family name?"
"Yes dear"
"Let's take the side of that woman he married during this marital dispute their having, and enable his ex to prevent access to his kids"
"Ok dear"

Ffs

@ReanimatedSGB

RTFT did you not see this part...

It became more erratic trying to get the shifts from her that she was working (would change every month, no two weeks tended to be the same

That reads that the ex was being awkward providing her shift information, not that OP was being a controlling dick.

Ffs.

Reanimated, no, that’s not on at all. I stated that she was informing me about shifts with little or no notice. It’s not my responsibility to chase her employer for when she is working, she should be capable of that herself.

As for set shifts with her work, I have managed to change my working pattern to suit childcare, there was no reason why she couldn’t. I work mental condensed hours in order to collect my sons from school as I don’t have any other option. She hasn’t got any incentive to do that as my parents are quite happy to continue collecting the children when she is working and meant to have them.

I'm struggling too get over the fact that you want the convenience of set days when the flexible arrangement before was what was better for the children.

@Adsy1988

In these situations, which I often see in work.
Families become torn, often the side of the children involved means that grandparents end up being right in the middle of the mess choosing what seems to be the "wrong" parent.

Would you rather your children lost their relationship with their grandparents as well as their father for 3 weeks? Or course not,

It is time to move on, your partner needs to understand that. Otherwise you risk losing them all. For good.

NotStayingIn, no, she doesn’t like drama. All we wanted was stability for the kids and the knowledge when we could book things to do with them and when not, and when I put my foot down my ex went nuts and stopped contact. So as far as she is concerned she wants nothing to do with any of them as we were only trying to do right by the kids (twice we had things booked for them only to discover we weren’t to have them as a result of her flakiness with the shifts).

I think my parents helping her when I wasn’t getting access was the final nail in the coffin for her, she continues to not understand why they would so that. Blood is thicker than water and I want a relationship, but at the same time I don’t want to cause a rift between us as really she was the only person that has continually fought my corner in getting access.

MyCat, the previous arrangement was not what was better for the children. Should add that my eldest has ASD and thrives under routine. He never had that when she changed shifts six months after we separated. Regardless of his condition, children benefit so much from routine and knowing what’s happening one week to the next.

Coming from the position of coparenting shift workers, we have had to maintain flexibility. My roster is determines 6 weeks in advance, his 4. This means that there has to be some compromise. As long as the child has a plan for the coming week, I don't see it as an issue, and it's never affected our child- they cope as it's the norm. Whilst coparenting with a shift worker involves more communication, it can be done, but not if shifts are regularly changed last minute. Maybe your parents were concerned your new partner was the one making the time demands, hence why they stepped in?

I think you need to ask your GF to be the bigger person. It would appear that your parents were panicking and worried ExW would also block their contact and so went along pandering to her demands. Also who knows what half lies they were fed.

Please be frank with your GF that you recognise their behaviour was out of order and you will be wary of their priorities from now on but it is in the DC interests that there is a cordial relationship between you, GF and your parents. It will also prevent ExW creating more issues and getting your parents on her side so to speak.

Obviously you do need to be prepared to tackle your parents if it's needed now and perhaps have a line in the sand that they don't cross again.

How would your GF feel if you refused to give some of her family or close family a 2nd chance?

I think you kicked this all off by demanding that your wife have steady hours when she had a job that had hours that changed. That's not her fault. Of course she's going to be angry. She's trying to be a good parent by earning money to take care of the children--she's not partying, she's WORKING, and you were being a complete asshole.

@RandomMess that’s pretty much my thoughts on everything! I think they were terrified that if they didn’t go along with her then they would also get cut out also. I get it, but I would like to think they had a touch more loyalty to me.

My thoughts are that I will rebuild a relationship with them, I have tried as has my Mum, we have started speaking and making an effort, but it is strained. Whether or not that is due to what has happened, or me being loyal to my girlfriend who stuck through it all with me, I don’t know.

I feel guilty when I tell her that I’ve spoken to my Mum. Maybe I need to grow a bigger backbone.

@Durgasarrow, don’t be a dick. I’ve detailed that I went along with her shifts being changed for well over a year, but the fact it became more erratic when I got them tipped me over the edge, chasing for set days. I wasn’t asking the earth, just wanted stability for my kids and myself.