...to not know how to get out of this?

[PeapodBurgundy]

I think I'm too close to my situation, and too overwhelmed to see how to handle things. Gently advice appreciated.

I feel like I want to walk out of my front door and not come back. I'm so overwhelmed and disheartened with my life, when objectively I have nothing to complain about. We bought a doer upper house almost a year ago, the sale dragged on and on for no valid reason, and we ended up getting the keys 2 weeks before I had DD, myself and DS didn't move in until 2 days before I had her as the place was in such a state. I've been trying to catch up with myself ever since, and not even come close. I hate the house, I hate the area. We've barely made a dent in what needs doing to it, and it's fucking miserable living here. OH is building fitted furniture in each room, so some rooms are still things in boxes, which take DS seconds to empty everywhere, and me hours to tidy away again. As a result, the place is always a mess, I just to say manage to get downstairs tidy by the early hours of the morning, so I'm to tired to ever give it a proper clean, it just gets a brief flick over with a damp cloth and a sweep. Upstairs is a mass of piles of things to go to the charity shop which I'm taking a bag at a time every time we go near a shop, things to sell on at the baby sale we're booked onto in July, the kid's next size up clothes which I have nowhere to store until the wardrobes are built, laundry waiting to be put away, and general scattered toys and books. OH works 5 days from 7, then attends college 1 day per week, so with college assignments he's basically never here, and when he is, he's making more mess and chaos for me to deal with doing his project work and leaving tools, wood, wood shavings etc pissing EVERYWHERE, no matter how many times I ask/beg/scream at him not to.
DS has just started nursery, and ever since his behaviour has been foul. He's coming home exhausted, and in need of some 1:1 attention, which I'm trying to give him, but there are still things I HAVE to do, such as make food etc. I get as much done while he's out as I can, but then DD gets no attention at all. The second I leave the room, he does something he knows will get me back in. I've been trying to sort the front garden out today, and in the hour and a half I was out there, I dug over a square meter of lawn if that, as he climbed the fence and ran off in the direction of the main road, pulled down my front room curtains, ripped my coat and emptied the kitchen bin all over the front room. (I should add he's currently undergoing assessment for ASD, so there's a possibility his behaviour is linked with that and I'm not a completely crap parent). I can't leave him and DD alone together or he hurts her as a way to get me back in the room. She's currently asleep on the boob which is the only way she ever naps, she wakes and cries as soon as she's put down. I've bribed DS with a kinder egg so I can come upstairs, cry and post for help.
I've looked at private rentals, but the only thing I would be able to afford on my own are upstairs flats, so no outdoor space for the DC, which DS on particular wold really struggle with. I've looked into council properties, but the waiting list is huge, plus most of them are in a similar state and area to the house I'm currently in, so not really any better.

I've tried doing a few work from home projects to save and afford to pay somebody to do some of the work in the house, but it's near impossible with the way DS is. I've earned about £150 since the beginning of April. It's soul destroying. I'm seriously considering sticking them both into full time childcare and going back to work, just so I'm not having to deal with this same old shit, all day, every day. I can't see a way out. Has

Posted ted too soon. Has anyone got any suggestions of how I can make things better for myself?

Yes, just keep breathing. Everything will right itself eventually. Back in a minute.

A year in, I’d expect a baby to fall asleep at the breast. Good that you’re breastfeeding. Yay! She’ll give it up within four or so years, which is not much out of a lifetime.

Your boy - with a newish sister and starting nursery he wouldn’t be unusual in kicking off. Why do you think you heave to do house/garden/ renovation work while the children are around? Childcare is a full time job. Adjust your expectations, don’t put such pressure on yourself.

A year is also sod-all in the progress of a doer- upper, unless you’re handing it over to teams of professionals to do all the work. Stop trying to keep the whole house tidy. Choose one small space, maybe not even a whole room, organise it to your liking and keep it as your haven from the rest.
Throw away as much as you can. It really helps.

I wish you well, I really do. I know it’s hard. Good luck.

Sounds awful.

How old is your ds?

It honestly sounds like the worst set of circumstances all rolled into one.
Husband that's busy 6 out of 7 says from home and extra for study.
2kids.
A massive renovation project.

It's no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Your husband needs to prioritise some time to fixing up the messes made or getting help.
Can he pick one room at a time and do it so that at least one room is fully complete and cab be sorted rather than chaos?

I've moved numerous times and always organise a room for me to escape into. With tv or desk but tidy so I can close the door and at least have one sane space.

I agree that you need one sorted room where there is no mess or chaos. That’s a starting point to help you keep your sanity while the rest gets sorted.

I also think you need to bring an end to the built in furniture. Shelve that idea for when the kids are older, and get what you need in the meantime from ikea.

You’re absolutely in the depths of it at the moment; it will get better!

Thank you, it's soothing to hear kind words.

As for doing the renovations when the DC are around, DS is at nursery mornings only, and DD doesn't go anywhere, so they're always around. I'm desperate not to live in such a shit hole, it's draining me, and I'm ashamed of the state of the place. I've never been one for a show house, but I've always liked a nice house, and been quite house proud.

We added one of those little self build conservatories onto the back of the house and set it up as a playroom.. the idea being that the front room would be child free, neat and tidy so we have somewhere nice to sit. In reality there isn't a gate/barrier DS can't get through, so he just has free run of the house and causes chaos everywhere.

As for throwing stiff away, I had a massive purge before we moved, and have kept on top of bagging up things we don't use. The stuff that's still boxed up and we don't use regularly is seasonal stuff like coats, winter bedding, Christmas stuff etc. I think short of throwing out OH and the DC we're as minimal as we're going to be.

We should my rights have moved around March time. We didn't get the keys until 31st July. We missed so much time we expected to have to work on the house while only having DS, and me not being hugely pregnant and crippled with SPD. It didn't even have a kitchen when we got it. It was in a right state. I ended up birthing DD in the bath as there was nowhere to set my pool up. It's been that level of chaos ever since.

Sort one room at a time so what's the most pressing and prioritize that.

If DH wants to sort it, fine but he needs a week off work/college and to spend that whole week sorting it out. He does that, you sort the kids. We had a very boring bank holiday last year where my husband redecorated two rooms and I just looked after our son. Boring but necessary.

Can anyone look after the kids for a few hours so you can have a good tidy, charity shop run etc.

Can't put an end to the built in furniture, we did a bulk wood order which is currently stored in massive sheets tucked wherever we can. There's not enough money spare at the end of the month to be buying the amount of furniture we need. It's all gone completely on hold at the moment while OH finishes his final project, then hopefully he'll get the storage in the front room and kids room done over a couple of days (he has some leave booked from work in June so we can have a good decent run at it then, but it feels like an age away).

DS turned 3 in March so he's at an age where he's likely to be a handful, even without everything that's going on for him at the moment.

Can you do room by room? Start with one where you all spend the most time. When it's finished, move onto another. It helps so much to have 1 done room where you can relax and keep chaos out.

What's the husband think of this

If you can't afford to buy some proper storage furniture Kallax will do for now. Then you can slowly buy nicer bits.

What a nightmare, any friends who could help with the diy or take kids out for a couple of hours?

Could you have the baby in a sling (I can breastfeed 20mo DS in the sling and have my hands free to do things but takes a bit of practice) and maybe get DS involved in gardening etc? Give him his own little spade or maybe some plant pots and seeds. Easier said than done I know but it’s an idea

I was a SAHM to 2 small kids (and another one a few years later).
I’m a tidy person and found the mess depressing, you just have to let it go for a while.
Now people come to my house and say how is it so tidy with 3 boys!
I’ve lived in my Victorian doer upper for 15yrs. It still needs so much doing to it, I dream of built in furniture, you’re already ahead of me.
For many people, they have no family help. We hadn’t a sinner so eventually got a nanny for a few years. It is a slog, no doubt. But it does get better, honestly.

The playroom is done, the dining room and kitchen are functioning, that's where we spend the bulk of our time. It's the cosmetic stuff I can't wait to get done, but we obviously need to do things like the re-wiring and chipping away/replacing the damp plaster left form the guttering issue we've now fixed first. Even though progress has been made, it looks either the same or worse in most rooms than when we moved in. even though I know we're making progress (with the exception of the last few weeks while OH has been finishing up the final assignments), it doesn't look like there is, and I can't stand looking at the mess of the place any more.

I've not had an actual conversation with OH in weeks. He does 12 hour shifts, so leaves work before I'm up, then has been getting home at around 8.30 and cracking straight on with college work while I wage the war on the house. I try not to moan about the house, as he's worked so hard on it, he (understandably) gets very annoyed when I complain about it still.

Kallax would be nice furniture for us, haha. What's left at the end of the month wouldn't even cover the delivery from Ikea, plus we're month on month buying the bits for the new electricals, as it's a wonder the place hasn't gone up in flames.

DD hate will only go in the wrap outdoors and on my front. I've never managed to get it wrapped with her on my back as she won't stay still. She has a fit as soon as I come indoors with her in it. DS has his own tools, and was raking away happily for about ten minutes, then got bored and the chaos started.

DD awake, will check back in later. Thanks for all of your suggestions xx

Have you thought about offering board for help renovation? There’s a few sites where people will work for board while they are traveling especially if you have enough room for a van or camper.

Are you in a student city? There will now be loads of furniture on gumtree for free or pennies.

Even though progress has been made, it looks either the same or worse in most rooms than when we moved in. even though I know we're making progress (with the exception of the last few weeks while OH has been finishing up the final assignments), it doesn't look like there is, and I can't stand looking at the mess of the place any more.

You kniw when you are for example clearing cupboards out. It's a mess, then you take it all out and kitchen looks like bomb exploded there. It's horrible. And then! You put it all back and sort it nicely and all is good and perfect.
You are now in that middle stage, which is just hard to get through but soon you WILL be in that last stage of "Heh, not bad. Not bad at all."
It will all get better. You will see that suddenly there will be one day when it all turns.

This was me. Two weeks after giving birth, I carried my newborn and toddler over the threshold of a building site. My husband had started a new job which required him to get results quickly and turn around a failing business.

Even though he was under extreme pressure at work, he still recognised that I hit rock bottom a couple of months later, surrounded by rubble, dust, holes in walls and with a concrete mixer in the front room.

What he didn't do was to 'escape' from the situation. When I read that your husband was 'building wardrobes', and doing college work, I thought WTF.

Wardrobes are not a priority - keeping on top of the site is a priority.

Making the site safe is a priority - not leaving tools and wood shavings around.
College work can be postponed, surely, if your husband is overstretched by work and a building project?

The solution, for us, was to recognise that we had made a BIG mistake and that we were miserable living in a shit-heap. I had enough on my plate with normal household things and the care of babies, but we both needed him to manage the horrendous living conditions.

We agreed that there were priority jobs needed doing NOW and tradesmen had to be employed as soon as possible.

We agreed that I would return to full-time work after my maternity leave and that the children would go to a child-minder/nursery.

Your husband has bailed out, from the sounds of it. The wardrobes and college are displacement activities.

Unless he can commit to improving his family's living conditions, then you owe it to yourself and your children to bail out too.

College work can be postponed, surely, if your husband is overstretched by work and a building project?

"Can I have extention? We got building works going on" is not going to grant an extention. Believe me. I tried. Plus it's an exam time coming.
I absolutely disagree with the college being a displacement activity. Nor that he "bailed out" seeing his work pattern.
I agree about the wardrobes somewhat.
It's a shitty situation caused by delay in buying.

Hopefully when he gets to that time off he booked, things will get at least a bit sorted and OP will be on a way to a happy home

No proper university in our town, just a second campus of a university based in a nearby town, so no student population here as such. A lot of the reason we haven't gone down the temporary furniture route, is that it's money taken away from getting the house finished, plus the issue of getting it here (local van runs £25 minimum), plus the issue of getting it away again when we're done with it. Gumtree and Facebook seem to be rife with time wasters when I was trying to flog the outgrown baby clothes and equipment (the big ticket items and decent bits of clothes like coats, not bundles of stained multipack babygros).
We don't have a spare bedroom or off street parking, so lodging somebody in with us would mean them using the sofa bed in the front room, which isn't the most practical. If I'm honest, I'd also be concerned about the safety of having a stranger in the house when we have small DC and I'm here alone most of the time.
The wardrobes are built, but have no doors on, so they're not useable at the moment. They're more of a priority than they may seem on the face of it, as until they're done, we're all using one bedroom. Once the doors and locks are on, I can transition DS back into his own bedroom, which will make things much easier for many reasons.
College needs to be finished. He has two official weeks left (but effectively until 22nd) until he's finished his HND in Mechanical Engineering. Aside from the fact we funded it ourselves and don't want to throw that money down the drain, it will mean he can work less hours for more money, which will improve things greatly for us (he's pennies above NMW at the moment). STEM jobs are plentiful here, so I don't anticipate him having much trouble securing a position. He's just been invited to interview for a post he was previously turned down for as he wasn't yet qualified, and other candidates were, but they took the time to contact him about this new post which I see as promising.

Oh and his current job isn't so secure at the moment. Not his building, but another one a few towns away is featuring on Panorama on the 22nd. I can't say more of what's gone on, as I don't know which bits are public knowledge (or will be after the 22nd!) and which bits are inside knowledge that I really shouldn't know. They've all been investigated, and he's come up smelling of roses along with the vast majority of the people in his building, but there are certainly some rough times ahead for the company. Who knows what the fallout of this will be.

Was the company on BBC news very recently?😮

Not sure about the BBC (we barely watched live TV, so didn't bother with a TV licence when we moved so I don't see anything that isn't on Netflix or Amazon Prime). It quite possibly was though. The company bought out Castlebeck who were the pervious owners of Winterbourne View. You can see where I'm heading...

I live in a doer upper, been here 2 years
Still got stuff in boxes that have been unopened since the move
Still deciding which room to renovate next

Unless you have loads of spare cash to pay trades people, each part will take time

I agree, make one room cosy

Hi OP, you have so much on your plate at the moment it's no wonder you're struggling. But keep in mind your DH's HND is nearly finished, the wardrobes are almost there - things will improve. You main issue seems to be your little boy. Can you increase his hours at nursery? Have you considered contacting Homestart, if you have one in your area? They provide trained volunteers to support families with pre-school age children. I was a volunteer for 7 years and supported many families facing a wide variety of challenges, some like you just needed someone to occupy a child while they cracked on with practical jobs, others needed more emotional support. Things will improve believe me.