...to not know how to get out of this?

[PeapodBurgundy]

I think I'm too close to my situation, and too overwhelmed to see how to handle things. Gently advice appreciated.

I feel like I want to walk out of my front door and not come back. I'm so overwhelmed and disheartened with my life, when objectively I have nothing to complain about. We bought a doer upper house almost a year ago, the sale dragged on and on for no valid reason, and we ended up getting the keys 2 weeks before I had DD, myself and DS didn't move in until 2 days before I had her as the place was in such a state. I've been trying to catch up with myself ever since, and not even come close. I hate the house, I hate the area. We've barely made a dent in what needs doing to it, and it's fucking miserable living here. OH is building fitted furniture in each room, so some rooms are still things in boxes, which take DS seconds to empty everywhere, and me hours to tidy away again. As a result, the place is always a mess, I just to say manage to get downstairs tidy by the early hours of the morning, so I'm to tired to ever give it a proper clean, it just gets a brief flick over with a damp cloth and a sweep. Upstairs is a mass of piles of things to go to the charity shop which I'm taking a bag at a time every time we go near a shop, things to sell on at the baby sale we're booked onto in July, the kid's next size up clothes which I have nowhere to store until the wardrobes are built, laundry waiting to be put away, and general scattered toys and books. OH works 5 days from 7, then attends college 1 day per week, so with college assignments he's basically never here, and when he is, he's making more mess and chaos for me to deal with doing his project work and leaving tools, wood, wood shavings etc pissing EVERYWHERE, no matter how many times I ask/beg/scream at him not to.
DS has just started nursery, and ever since his behaviour has been foul. He's coming home exhausted, and in need of some 1:1 attention, which I'm trying to give him, but there are still things I HAVE to do, such as make food etc. I get as much done while he's out as I can, but then DD gets no attention at all. The second I leave the room, he does something he knows will get me back in. I've been trying to sort the front garden out today, and in the hour and a half I was out there, I dug over a square meter of lawn if that, as he climbed the fence and ran off in the direction of the main road, pulled down my front room curtains, ripped my coat and emptied the kitchen bin all over the front room. (I should add he's currently undergoing assessment for ASD, so there's a possibility his behaviour is linked with that and I'm not a completely crap parent). I can't leave him and DD alone together or he hurts her as a way to get me back in the room. She's currently asleep on the boob which is the only way she ever naps, she wakes and cries as soon as she's put down. I've bribed DS with a kinder egg so I can come upstairs, cry and post for help.
I've looked at private rentals, but the only thing I would be able to afford on my own are upstairs flats, so no outdoor space for the DC, which DS on particular wold really struggle with. I've looked into council properties, but the waiting list is huge, plus most of them are in a similar state and area to the house I'm currently in, so not really any better.

I've tried doing a few work from home projects to save and afford to pay somebody to do some of the work in the house, but it's near impossible with the way DS is. I've earned about £150 since the beginning of April. It's soul destroying. I'm seriously considering sticking them both into full time childcare and going back to work, just so I'm not having to deal with this same old shit, all day, every day. I can't see a way out. Has

take one room at a time - which room would be the most helpful to have finished first? Make a point by point list of what needs to be done to that one room, that will be an island of calm in the middle of the house - and step by step tick it off. Forget the built in furniture, buy cheap Ikea storage for this one room and tick off steps on that list daily. Say to yourself the rest can stay a complete and utter mess, but this is the corner of my house/my I will have right in the next 2 weeks. And do it. And repeat it step by step, room by room and everyday you regain a little bit more control and feel fractionally better. Small steps lead to big changes. And when you feel overwhelmed sit in that one room you have completed and breathe.

Playroom is done, dining room (where the playroom is off) just need the ceiling light re-wiring and replacing then we can decorate in there. The kitchen is the next most used room, but there's so much to do in there. The ceiling needs the rest of the artex scraping off, the whole room needs re-wiring, there's tiling to do, plastering, pipes to box in and the plastic coating to put on the carcass of the cupboards (OH built it from the boards we bought, and we just bought doors to put on so we need to coat the wood to match the doors).
The front room just needs two shelves putting up, and the doors putting over them, then that's done, but we're hardly ever in there so it won't make much difference. Dying to get the DC's room done so we can start putting DS to bed in there. None of us get a decent kip with him in our bed.
He's at a school nursery, so they don't offer more than 15 hours. I wouldn't consider moving him. We bought this shit tip because it was the only house on the market in our budget that's in walking distance of this school. They've got very comprehensive SEND provision, but they're still a mainstream school, so it's exactly what DS needs. They've been amazingly supportive so far, and put so much in place for him, even though he's as yet undiagnosed.

I sat and did a list last night while I was stuck under a sleeping DD, and I found it very therapeutic. Even though it's long, I put approximate timescales on some of the jobs, so I can see how much we can potentially get done in OH's week off next month. My sister will be home from uni by then, so she'll be over to visit the DC a lot so that will free me up to get some bits done too.
Thanks all for being so kind. I feel a little better just for having got it all off my chest. As I said, I've barely spoken to OH in weeks. We talk about practical stuff which needs to be sorted out, I get updates on the mess at work and that's it. Venting has been helpful.

I'm so glad the crisis has passed Peapod. Making lists is therapeutic isn't it? Just a word of caution (hate to be a messenger of doom, but you mentioned scraping Artex) are you aware that asbestos was added to Artex until around the mid 1980's, so if your ceilings are pre that year you would be wise to get a self-test kit or get a sample tested to be on the safe side. You may already know this, but this advice comes from mybuilder.com …….

All 'Artex' has been free of asbestos for around 20-30 years now, so if it is new-ish then it will be clear. If you don't know how old it is, then you can get it tested. So use your judgement, if your house was built in 1990, then it will be clear. Tests cost around £30 per room, and local companies will test it for you. If you own your property and want to get rid of the stuff cheaply, I suggest you do the following. Use a wallpaper steamer, steam it off carefully, get it very wet. Whilst it is wet it is harmless, and 'Artex' contains low levels of asbestos dust anyway, but still dangerous amounts. As it is the dust that causes ill health, I would remove it wet, and steam it gently. Take your time and bag it up and seal the bags closed. Take them to the local tip and tell them they may be asbestos. Red asbestos bags are available from GOOD suppliers of construction equipment, they will have 'asbestos do not open' written on them. If you don't feel comfortable doing this in your home, then call an expert in.

You may know all this already, but having known someone suffer and die from mesothelioma, those few words jumped out at me.

I'm seriously considering sticking them both into full time childcare and going back to work, just so I'm not having to deal with this same old shit, all day, every day.

Well that might not be a bad idea. Would you earn enough to pay for FT childcare for two?

Also if there are doubts over the security of your DH job right now then this might be a smart move.

Sounds fucking miserable, I agree.

Can't you outsource at least a bit of the work, even if just the garden so that you can get outside with the wee ones?

Most of us waste our life on things that don’t matter and then realise too late that we have thrown our lives away.

You are ahead of the game.

Rent somewhere nice and tell him you will come back when he has unpacked his priorities and assembled it.

RedBerryTea Thanks for the warning. There was a thread on here a while back about asbestos in artex, which is why only half of it is scraped off. It was like fate! I was at DMs with the kids to keep them away from the mess while OH was scraping the first half off when I read the thread. We had a right panic! Ours is fine, although the bank balance took a hit on the testing, but it was worth doing, as we know we have it in the fascia boards and in the shed roof.

5foot5 and Poppyinafieldofdreams My wage would cover childcare with some left over, but not enough to cover bills, I was the main earner before we had the DC. I wouldn't be entitled to financial help if I moved out so it's a non-starter really. We'd need OH's wage even if I was working. We talked long and hard before making the decision for me not to go back to work, and those reasons still stand, plus the additional fact of DD being cows milk protein intolerant and me not responding to a pump very well. It would mean at best combi feeding her with prescription formula which isn't ideal.

Dieu our back garden is up and running, so we pretty much live in the playroom which opens into the back. It's just the front I'm feeling the pressure to do because the neighbours keep making snide comments about the state of it. I know I should give much less of a fuck what the neighbours think, but my pride is getting in the way. I hate being the scruffy house on the street (the rest are sodding immaculate which makes ours look so much worse!). We could get somebody in to do bits of work, but it would mean then putting off other bits for even longer, so it's out of the frying pan and into the fire in a way.

Did anyone else catch the Panorama programme