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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To defriend?

43 replies

Prissyanne · 12/05/2019 07:46

Close friend has been clearly distancing herself from me over past year or so. Stopped initiating contact, slow to respond to my messages, always too busy to meet up. After several months of this, I asked if I'd done anything wrong. She insisted I hadn't, she was just very busy. However, nothing changed and after several more months I decided to stop contacting her to see if it would prompt her to get in touch. I've not heard from her since.

She ignores me on social media too yet likes & comments on the posts of mutual friends. She doesn't appear too busy to see others and also appears to have a couple of new friends.

So after seeing another post of her out with friends, my finger is hovering over the "defriend" button as it's clear this person doesn't want to be friends with me. What's stopping me is that it seems so final, there's no going back, I will be shutting the door firmly shut. We have a number of mutual friends so it could be awkward. I'm also wondering what will happen if I bump into her which has happened a couple of times since this started. She's always been pleasant & friendly but with no commitment to meet up.

So, AIBU to press that button?

OP posts:
floraloctopus · 12/05/2019 07:47

Why not just change the settings to hide her?

Eustasiavye · 12/05/2019 07:49

Id say do whatever is best for you. If you bump into her you can still be plesant , just don't initiate contact.

Alwaysgrey · 12/05/2019 07:51

If you still like her I’d switch to unfollow her.

Runningincircles · 12/05/2019 07:51

Press Unfollow so that you don’t see her stuff popping up in your FB Feed. Then press Friends, Edit Friends, Restricted. So that she can’t see your posts, but you will still show as Friends. So you avoid any potential awkwardness if you bump into her in the future.

KatherineJaneway · 12/05/2019 07:52

Just hide her updates. That way you won't upset yourself seeing her activity and it won't be embarrassing if you accidentally bump into her.

Weebitawks · 12/05/2019 07:53

I would hide her. If she is playing some sort of weird game, you defriending her will give her some sort of weird satisfaction, and possibly cause drama. Hide her so you don't see all her shit.

Mentally moving on is much healthier than defriending on Facebook.

ZoeWashburne · 12/05/2019 07:55

I’d say get off social media all together if it is this dramatic in your life. Whilst it sounds like your friendship is fading, it almost seems like you want to punish her. I think you need to take a it step back from your phone, and start cultivating your friendships IRL, and stop worrying who ‘likes’ posts.

Eslteacher06 · 12/05/2019 07:55

You can unfollow her.

But seriously, when did Social Media dictate who you speak to in real life? You can still say hello if you see her.

RussellSprout · 12/05/2019 08:05

In a similar situation so I sympathise. After yet another unanswered text, I've decided to just walk away, no drama, from my withdrawing 'friend '.

It's hard as there's an urge to tell her how hurt I am. But she'd only deny it, or just ignore me some more so what's the point.

Disengage with dignity is the only thithing you can do.

Original poster
Prissyanne · 12/05/2019 08:18

@RussellSprout - are you going to unfriend them or just ignore them back?

Must say I find her behaviour very weird as we were once very close. I feel she's behaved very badly and do wonder if she's playing a game although it seems out of character as I thought she was nice! On the other hand, what if there's something bad going on in her life that has caused her to withdraw? Very unlikely though from what I've seen on Facebook!!

OP posts:
Whereistheglove · 12/05/2019 08:23

I’d probably just defriend as that’s what she has appeared to have done to you in person.
Things like this used to really bother me but friendships a two way street
She’s ghosting you

pictish · 12/05/2019 08:41

No. Just leave her on your feed but don’t interact. The ‘de-friend’ would be portrayed as you with the problem. You’ll be needy, childish etc...
She’ll just say she’s been busy and shrug off any notion she has a part to play.

De-friending is a statement. You’re drawing a line in the sand. Your mutual friends will therefore side with her. People are like that.

Original poster
Prissyanne · 12/05/2019 08:43

Isn't ghosting when someone completely ignores you as if you don't exist? She always responded to me if I contacted her, albeit often slowly and briefly and never initiated contact herself.

OP posts:
pictish · 12/05/2019 08:44

Yep...unfollow. You won’t see her and she’ll be none the wiser.

RussellSprout · 12/05/2019 08:46

OP I unfollowed her a long time ago, she has a pattern of withdrawing but in the past I've always got sucked in. Not any more!

I have in the past expressed exasperation at, e.g., not having texts replied to when trying to arrange stuff (so rude!) And she's just turned it back on me and made me the baddie, so I've realised there's no point and to just walk away.

If someone doesn't give a shit, then there's nothing you can say or do as they won't give a shit about the fact that they dont give a shit IYSWIM.

I'm done with my toxic friend, suggest you are too.

dudsville · 12/05/2019 08:48

It's possible she might be relieved and feel only marginally bad if you unfriend. She doesn't want to be friends and she could interpret this as you understanding that now. I say this having been the villain in this scenario. No longer wishing to continue a friendship is hard when you care but the feelings have shifted.

pictish · 12/05/2019 08:48

No...ghosting is fading away. Slowly extricating from a friendship or relationship. Becoming unavailable, busy, less communicative until they no longer factor at all.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 12/05/2019 08:48

Yeah, it’s a very clear message de-friending someone. I was in the situation you describe except the defriending was done to me and it was a total killer; she was my former BFF, it was hard.

Only do it if you’re sure but if you do do it, you may have bear out “outraged follow up”.

Antigon · 12/05/2019 08:49

Defriending will be much better for your mental well-being, as it will bring a sense of closure.

I didn’t want the person having the window into my life via Facebook.

I wouldn’t worry about the finality of it, it would hard to re-build a friendship after this anyway, the trust is gone and you would wonder if she is going to ignore you again.

PamelaX · 12/05/2019 08:51

good grief.

She is polite and pleasant, just not interested in you and moving on but still trying to make the effort to reply to you.

She's probably bored of all the childish drama from you, and is being an adult about it. It sounds better than faking it, or completely blocking you.

You should move on too!

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 12/05/2019 09:07

How long have you been friends?

You have 2 options. Unfriend or you unfollow. In this situation I would unfriend as that tells her it’s final, you’ve had enough (not that it’d bother her) . Unfollowing won’t do much as she won’t realise. And if she never comments on your posts, it’s possible she’s already unfollowed you. She sounds like one of those people that when unfriended, would shrug and say nothing’s been lost.

Unfriend her, op.

BlueMerchant · 12/05/2019 09:11

Unfriend and move on. She's not worth your time.

RussellSprout · 12/05/2019 10:04

OP what is the difference for you between unfriending and unfollowing.

I guess it will make little difference to your 'friend' but for you it's your way of saying something to her to express you're not happy at how things have gone.

I totally get how hurtful it can be when this happens. To those saying 'jeez get over it she's moved on'. yes, I'm sure the OP understands that she's moved on and is not trying to make her be friends again but it hurts when someone you were once close to doesn't want to know.

Meangirls36 · 12/05/2019 10:48

Grow up !

Lefields · 12/05/2019 11:44

I’m in a similar situation too and have thought the same re unfriending. In the end I just unfriended and I did immediately feel much better, almost like I’d taken control of the situation. I haven’t seen her since (about 3 months ago) and in all honesty, I think she’d unfollowed me on SM anyway as the rare time I did post, she never commented or liked either, despite doing so on all our mutual friends stuff so I don’t think she even realises I’ve unfriended her tbh. I doubt she’d care anyway and if she did confront me about it (unlikely) I would just say that she’d stopped engaging with me, never wanted to meet up, was happy to engage with all our other friends on SM and meet up with them, so I can only assume she just didn’t particularly like me anymore and I didn’t feel comfortable having someone that didn’t like me on my friends list.

If that’s drama then I don’t care, honesty is the best policy and like your friend, she would never admit to there being a problem even though there blatantly was. There’s only so much you can do

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