Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To defriend?

43 replies

Prissyanne · 12/05/2019 07:46

Close friend has been clearly distancing herself from me over past year or so. Stopped initiating contact, slow to respond to my messages, always too busy to meet up. After several months of this, I asked if I'd done anything wrong. She insisted I hadn't, she was just very busy. However, nothing changed and after several more months I decided to stop contacting her to see if it would prompt her to get in touch. I've not heard from her since.

She ignores me on social media too yet likes & comments on the posts of mutual friends. She doesn't appear too busy to see others and also appears to have a couple of new friends.

So after seeing another post of her out with friends, my finger is hovering over the "defriend" button as it's clear this person doesn't want to be friends with me. What's stopping me is that it seems so final, there's no going back, I will be shutting the door firmly shut. We have a number of mutual friends so it could be awkward. I'm also wondering what will happen if I bump into her which has happened a couple of times since this started. She's always been pleasant & friendly but with no commitment to meet up.

So, AIBU to press that button?

OP posts:
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 12/05/2019 12:08

Stop thinking about it and just do it.

She clearly doesn't give any fucks at all and just that you're even posting things tells us you're giving too many for someone who isn't a good friend.

Be rid, move on.

(p.s I've been in that very position. It's bloody horrible.)

OddestSock · 12/05/2019 12:17

I've recently been in this position, the friendship became very toxic. I unfriended in the end since it's been really bad for my mental health, after one too many confrontational messages from her.

I feel much better for it, it's been going on for years, and ive never been able to do anything right by her.

Drum2018 · 12/05/2019 12:21

She's possibly unfollowed you if she doesn't respond to any of your posts. Unfollow her so you don't see her posts, if you don't feel ready to unfriend her altogether.

PlatypusLeague · 12/05/2019 12:30

If you've been good friends then of course it's hurtful if your friend distances themselves, no matter how "polite and pleasant" they are. A good friend would at least have the courage to be open and honest with you. I hate that feeling of never finding out what you've supposedly done "wrong" to have become "disposable". I would just leave it (and be permanently mystified) and save your energy for other friendships.

Overtheborder · 12/05/2019 12:44

I unfriended my brother as he posted so much crap. Then my sister in law blocked me... we're all over 40 - over 50 in their case!!

SkySmiler · 12/05/2019 12:49

No pictish ghosting is totally disappearing!

justarandomtricycle · 12/05/2019 12:53

Perhaps it's just a social media thing?

I have a few otherwise lovely friends who post stuff that is (for me) a bit much so I hide them, this means I barely see them on social media. It's up to them what they think about issues so I just ignore it, I hope they don't think I'm freezing them out.

BornInGlasgow · 12/05/2019 13:07

The EXACT same thing happened to me about two years ago. I defriended. If she realises, so what? If you bump into her and she asks why (which I doubt) just tell her the truth. You only want to be connected to people who bother with you and she doesn't. Laters!

NoSauce · 12/05/2019 13:15

No. Just leave her on your feed but don’t interact. The ‘de-friend’ would be portrayed as you with the problem. You’ll be needy, childish etc...

Agree with this. Unfollow. Sounds like there is something that’s annoyed her if I’m honest given that she’s seeing other friends and she obviously knows that you will see this on FB and isn’t bothered by it. She maybe doing it so you will see it?

As upsetting as it is, if you honestly don’t know what you’ve done to make her distance herself I would give up on her now.

Antigon · 12/05/2019 13:39

In the end I just unfriended and I did immediately feel much better, almost like I’d taken control of the situation

I agree with this. Unfriending is not being 'needy or childish', it's taking control of the situation.

RussellSprout · 12/05/2019 13:41

@Meangirls36 you have a very apt name!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/05/2019 14:50

I think unfriending when you haven’t actually fallen out is a bit over-dramatic. It suggests the need to be noticed.

If you’re fed up with seeing pics of her with other people, unfollow her. You say you don’t understand why she’s ignoring you, so why be equally evasive?

Seeleyboo · 12/05/2019 14:53

I'm known as the terminator to my family. I defriend or go NC on anyone I would call pendulum people. There's enough negativity in life we usually can't fix so if this is impacting your life in a negative way. Terminate.

HairycakeLinehan · 12/05/2019 15:08

Life is more fluid than that, I find intensity of friendships ebb and flow in waves depending stages of life, interests at the time etc. She doesn’t seem into you at the moment but she’s not being disrespectful.
I think defriending would be dramatic and childish, life is long, you might reconnect further down the line. Let it go and focus on those who nourish you at the moment.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/05/2019 15:09

I'm known as the terminator to my family. I defriend or go NC on anyone I would call pendulum people.

Sounds a bit wanky to me.

Haisuli · 12/05/2019 15:23

Im an unfollower. No drama, and no need to see her enjoying life with everyone but you. It's probably ghosting and cowardly but I can't cope with confrontation.

HairycakeLinehan · 12/05/2019 15:24

Sounds a bit wanky to me.

I thought the same, not something I’d want to be known for Confused
Sounds a bit controlling too, “if you don’t prescribe to my ideals and don’t communicate with me enough I will exterminate you” 🤣

New posts on this thread. Refresh page