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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell DM she's being unreasonable?

33 replies

Tillygetsit · 12/05/2019 00:14

My db is in a psychiatric hospital atm. Today was his first day since he was admitted in September that we were allowed to take him out to lunch. I went with dm. He has shaved his head. Dm had a go about it. He was wearing aviator goggles. Dm refused to go into pub until he'd taken them off. He wouldn't so I said it was no big deal and he could wear them if he wanted (It looks a bit odd but it makes him feel safe) Dm countered about it all through the meal. She complained about the lighting the food and DVD's very funny but off colour jokes. She made the day utterly miserable for what should have been a celebratory milestone for db. After we'd taken him back to hospital I said I understood she was probably nervous about lunch but that she had been hyper critical of db and that it was unfair. She said she wasnt nervous at all and that as a grown man she'd expected db to have been less odd. I'm ashamed but I lost my temper.
She dropped me off saying she wouldn't be seeing me again until I'd apologised and that she didnt want me seeing db as I'd be dropping poison in his ear about her. She can get stuffed on that as db is an adult and if he wants me to visit I will.
Sorry this is long. I'm in bed typing on my phone because despite all DC being asleep for a change I cant stop it churning round in my brain. Dh says I know what dm is like and should have let sleeping dogs lie but I felt so desperately sorry for db who has been so I'll and very brave battling an awful illness that dm seems to make no allowances for. Would you apologise?

OP posts:
Tillygetsit · 12/05/2019 00:15

Please excuse autocorrect typos. Bit emosh!

OP posts:
MuddyMoose · 12/05/2019 00:23

Absolutely not. Your mother sounds toxic & in no way beneficial to your brother's recovery. I think you should continue to visit him alone.

blackteasplease · 12/05/2019 00:26

Appalling from your Mum!

OwlBeThere · 12/05/2019 00:32

The trouble I suspect is that ‘you know what she’s like’ has always been the response to your Dm so she gets away with this shit behaviour. My own brother is very similar in that his behaviour and lack of empathy for others is just awful but no one (including me to my shame, but I’m afraid of him so that’s why I don’t) has pulled him on it.
Her attitude will be really toxic to your brother’s recovery so good for you standing up for him. X

MumUnderTheMoon · 12/05/2019 00:33

That sounds dreadful. She was very thoughtless today and to be fair to you you did try to view her behaviour with sympathy initially. Would it be out of line for you to have a chat with your dbs team at the hospital, quietly explain to them what happened during the outing and after? Just to be sure that it hasn't negatively impacted on him and to head off any problems she may try to cause with your visits?

GlamGiraffe · 12/05/2019 00:34

Sounds like dm is refusing to acknowledge your th actually is ill and is testing it like he's being difficult or something so was in a funny mood. She's def out of order and probably not a good positive influence on him and his recovery. He's probably better off with just you visiting.

EL8888 · 12/05/2019 00:39

It sounds like she was unreasonable and rather thoughtless towards him. I’m sure the visit / leave from the hospital was a big deal to your brother and meant a lot to him. She should have got off his case and made allowances for him. He is unwell after all. Ok the goggles are a little unusual but so what if they made him feel safe. It’s not as if he was running round naked! It sounds to me like she got the hump as you challenged her unreasonable behavior. I hope his mental health continues to improve and he gets discharged soon

Tillygetsit · 12/05/2019 03:26

Thank you. Still awake still fretting over it all. It's so stressful atm. 2 dc, 1 very young baby, a too laidback dh, a bonkers db,a toxic mum and a bloody partridge in a pair tree! Still as dm told me recently I'm having a lovely rest on mat leave 😉

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 12/05/2019 03:31

Your mum's behaviour was unacceptable. All I can think of is that she doesn't know how to deal with a difficult situation and it all came out the wrong way. Even if that is the case though it was still wrong and your DB doesn't deserve that. Neither do you.

Every cloud - you don't have to bother with your DM for a while, seeing as how you won't be apologising for anything. Take your wins where you can Smile enjoy your break from her nonsense! And absolutely continue to visit your DB if he wants you to. It's not up to your mother, who gives a shit whether she wants you visiting him or not? Not her decision to make.

Walnutwhipster · 12/05/2019 03:35

I can't add much to what's been said above but you did so well not losing it with DM in front of DB. He needs someone visiting showing love and empathy. Your mum was selfish and toxic.

Complainingagain · 12/05/2019 04:19

Your mum sounds awful. Go and visit your brother and discuss with him her behaviour. If he's recovering from mental illness her behaviour could have really affected him. It's important he knows that she is in the wrong and he is not the blame at all, and that you support him 100%.

Graphista · 12/05/2019 04:19

I'm housebound by agoraphobia at the moment. There's been some family crises I've been unable to get involved in and provide support to people as a result and I've felt so guilty for that.

My main dx is ocd and particularly when out and about - when I can manage it - I can display some very odd behaviour.

My family are not the most easygoing (feel free to AS its a shit storm!) and yet NOT ONCE has any of them come close to treating me as your mother (she is NOT d) has your brother.

That is completely disgusting and totally unnecessary of her and belies her prejudices and selfishness.

Like hell would I apologise to someone who behaved that way instead I'd be expecting them to apologise to your brother and you.

She's acted appallingly!

I second letting your brothers team know what happened in case it did affect him, as he's an adult he doesn't have to have anything to do with her either if he doesn't want to! It may even be very informative to give them full story on "what she's like" could her behaviour have contributed to your brothers situation?

Honestly makes me so angry that there are people that think this at all acceptable, but then there's still a LOT of prejudice against the mentally ill. Even on here.

Tillygetsit · 12/05/2019 13:11

Update. I spoke to the hospital. Spoke to a nurse who said mums attitude had already been clocked by them and that db was fine. I've booked another visit to see him. Only 2 visitors allowed per visit and only 2 visits a week. No word from mum as expected. Dh very contrite and cooking lunch!
Thanks for the support. Weve been conditioned since childhood to accept mums behaviour. I've only recently got my head around it myself and actually think she may have MH issues of her own,not that this excuses her behaviour with my db.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 12/05/2019 13:21

The whole ‘Oh, you know what she’s like’ drives me insane. I am forever being told this about my dm and I realise I can’t change her behviour, but it doesn’t make it right.

You certainly don’t need to apologise, she was ridiculous to treat him like a naughty 5 year old.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 12/05/2019 13:28

Your DB is very lucky to have you for a sister, OP. As others have said, enjoy the peace of your DM not speaking to you!

user1471590586 · 12/05/2019 13:36

Well done for standing up for your brother. Sounds to me that your mother was embarrassed by him.

NannyRed · 12/05/2019 13:53

Hardly surprising your poor D.B. is battling so many demons with the toxic witch you call ‘dear’ mother.

Is your brother Norman Bates? Does your mother mother run a motel?

Why do you think your witch of a mother deserves an apology?
At best, I’d be tempted to say something along the lines of “ I’m sorry you are too ignorant to appreciate my brother has been in a psychiatric unit for the last 8 months, I’m sorry you’re too ignorant to adjust your life to help him and I’m sorry I will never speak to you again you evil, nasty old cow” that would be the best apologies she would get.
Carry on supporting your brother, ignore your mother, she is nasty.

Chloemol · 12/05/2019 13:57

Well done for standing up for your brother. I think you should just carry On seeing him and he should be the priority not your mother. I would also not apologise to your mother and in fact not contact her at all, let her make the first move

pigsDOfly · 12/05/2019 14:04

Dear god, talk about, if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem.

Sounds like she's going out of her way to make his situation worse.

It's a very good thing though, that the hospital are aware of her behaviour.

Yes, agree with pp that whole, 'oh you know what she's like' thing is how people like your mother get away with their appalling behaviour.

Let her stew, and never apologise.

pigsDOfly · 12/05/2019 14:08

Meant to add, that if you feel you're able to, not easy I imagine, then yes, sit her down and tell her how unpleasant her behaviour towards your DB was and how badly it could impact on him.

Graphista · 12/05/2019 14:45

Glad the professionals have twigged what she's like - too often toxic parents are missed or minimised because "what would you know you're 'crazy' " it shocks me how rarely it occurs to them to think "maybe that's why she's 'crazy'"

Dotty1970 · 12/05/2019 15:21

You have nothing to apologise for, don't do it.
You have protected your brother and stood up for what's right... Be proud Flowers

Loop3x5 · 12/05/2019 16:58

Thank God your DB has you. My DB has also spent periods in physiatric hospital and it's so important to be able to get past the odd behaviours. It's such a minor issue compared to his health. Don't apologise, it needed to be said, and your DM needed to hear it.

Bambamber · 12/05/2019 17:07

Don't apologise, she sounds awful. She should be the one doing the apologising

cheeseislife8 · 12/05/2019 17:20

You stood up for your brother and should not have to apologise for that. It's great that he has you as his advocate!

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