To tell DM she's being unreasonable?

[Tillygetsit]

My db is in a psychiatric hospital atm. Today was his first day since he was admitted in September that we were allowed to take him out to lunch. I went with dm. He has shaved his head. Dm had a go about it. He was wearing aviator goggles. Dm refused to go into pub until he'd taken them off. He wouldn't so I said it was no big deal and he could wear them if he wanted (It looks a bit odd but it makes him feel safe) Dm countered about it all through the meal. She complained about the lighting the food and DVD's very funny but off colour jokes. She made the day utterly miserable for what should have been a celebratory milestone for db. After we'd taken him back to hospital I said I understood she was probably nervous about lunch but that she had been hyper critical of db and that it was unfair. She said she wasnt nervous at all and that as a grown man she'd expected db to have been less odd. I'm ashamed but I lost my temper.
She dropped me off saying she wouldn't be seeing me again until I'd apologised and that she didnt want me seeing db as I'd be dropping poison in his ear about her. She can get stuffed on that as db is an adult and if he wants me to visit I will.
Sorry this is long. I'm in bed typing on my phone because despite all DC being asleep for a change I cant stop it churning round in my brain. Dh says I know what dm is like and should have let sleeping dogs lie but I felt so desperately sorry for db who has been so I'll and very brave battling an awful illness that dm seems to make no allowances for. Would you apologise?

Yes, your ML sounds really restful...

🙄

I’m guessing your mothers attitude throughout DB’s life hasn’t exactly helped him.

Sept to May is such a long time not to have seen him 😕 he must be in a bad way poor love.

Is he in a position where he’s up to deciding who he does and doesn’t want to visit? Can the hospital tell your mother she’s not permitted to visit?

He doesn’t need unsupportive, judgemental, nasty comments from her.

The whole “you know what’s ages like” thing is infuriating. It’s like some people think it’s a pass to act how they want. I know it is hard to challenge these firmly entrenched things about some people. I try to do it in my family but it’s tricky. It’s also good the team have an insight into how your Mum -it is one of things they look at

As aside, your maternity leave sounds really relaxing 🙈

Ages = she’s!

No wonder he’s got a problem with a “mother” like that

Your brother is very lucky to have you

She can't accept it, deal with it, doesn't know how to and expects him to be as was before when she considered him not mentally ill. You don't owe her an apology and as long as his mental health workers know this is a factor to deal with, maybe they can give you advice as to how she can be dealt with or 'managed' in the sense to make it better for him to to help her to understand what is needed.

If that's how she is do you not think her behaviour is at least partly responsible for your brothers MH issues in the first place?

I think you sound like a lovely sister. The sibling love is strong there and obviously trumps your mothers issues.

You absolutely did the right thing. Being admitted to a psychiatric ward is not something you just get over 🙄 neither is any type of mental illness.

Wait until she contacts you, continue to see your DB, make sure you talk to your DH or a friend when you need to vent. You sound like you've got so much on your plate, it could take its toll a little bit on you.

I was going to say forget about your Mum for a while, go and see and support your brother by yourself, then I saw from your update you've already decided that :) His needs and wellbeing are so important right now - best wishes xx