Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think D'H should not have worked today?

34 replies

Poorlymummy · 11/05/2019 21:41

So DH is self employed and is a delivery driver. He just logs on to one of those apps, and the orders starts coming in. I felt ill yesterday, felt like I had the flu and it got worse today, so texted DH if he could come and help me with the kids as I had a headache and sore throat, he texted me saying he’s working and will text me later to let me know. As he never got back to me, I called him and he said he’s just booked to deliver another order but is having a coffee with a friend at the moment, so won’t be able to come. AIBU to think he knew from the beginning he wouldn’t come? This happens all the time, he leaves me hanging then cancels last minute. I didn’t really wanna argue in front of his friend as he started to get a bit shouty, so I said I’d text him and hanged up. He then says not to bother texting him and I was rude for hanging up, so after a couple of more texts in desperation I called him a few times and he refused to pick up. I just feel like he’s never there for me when I’m ill or need you, I feel like I can never rely on him for anything. My family is up north, if he tells me he’s gonna be there at 2pm, I know in my heart he won’t be there at 2pm. If I’m poorly I know I’m on my own with the kids, and he won’t help. I love him and other parts of our marriage is good, but he’s just so bloody unreliable. And he shuts me off every time we have a disagreement and makes me feel like the bad one. AIBU to think he should have came home today and not worked? I just feel like since he’s doing this delivery job, and working for himself he can be more flexible. But he’s acting like his life depends on it and he has no choice. AIBU to also think that if you really loved someone you wouldn’t be able to ignore their calls and shut them off? I don’t know if I’m BU or overreacting?

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 11/05/2019 21:45

You are not important to him I'm afraid.

JaneEyre07 · 11/05/2019 21:55

You're not even on his list of priorities.

I hope you feel better soon Flowers

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/05/2019 22:02

Unless I was physically incapable of caring for the children I wouldn't expect DH to stay home from work nor would I the other way round. We just muddle through with a duvet day and leave each other food prepped etc.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/05/2019 22:11

In my opinion, it depends on finances and jobs. What would be the consequences of him cancelling or turning down jobs. If losing a days pay would have a bad effect on your finances or his customers wouldn't book him again then I would struggle through. If you can manage fine without the money then he should put you first.

It's a horrible feeling when you're part of a couple and feel like you're on your own though and he could try and help with this -ignoring your calls when you're already feeling crap isn't nice

adaline · 11/05/2019 22:18

It's a difficult one.

Not everyone has jobs where they can just not turn up without it having a major impact - so they have to avoid it unless it's for a real emergency.

Not everyone can afford to be off work either, so again it's something they avoid unless it's absolutely unavoidable.

How unwell were you, really? Or is this just a symptom of a bigger picture where you feel uncared for and not important?

ThanksThanks

bellie710 · 11/05/2019 22:19

Not that clear. Are you short of money? What age are your kids? Were you so ill that you had to stay in bed and couldn't move?

BentBaastard · 11/05/2019 22:23

Well actually I don’t think he was unreasonable.

He’s self employed and needs to work and although you weren’t feeling well, you got through the day.

Dh wouldn’t take a day off unless I was in hospital or really really ill I don’t think.

Dragongirl10 · 11/05/2019 22:23

Errmm, l would not expect my DH to stay home due to me having a cold....l assume your DH doesn't get paid if he doesn't work?

ThorsMistress · 11/05/2019 22:26

My DP can't just not turn up at work because I'm not well. And I wouldn't expect him too either.

There has been many a time I've not felt well at all but I've just got on with it the best I can. And this is with a small child.

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 11/05/2019 22:31

Don’t delivery drivers work to a tight computer controlled route and schedule. That is a priority, not losing a job.

On the other hand I think I have just had what is going round and I haven’t been able to move for a few days so I can sympathise, but the job comes first.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/05/2019 22:40

Most people manage to go to work with a headache and a sore throat. Flu is not a headache and a sore throat. You cant just take time off work when a partner is unwell unless its something completely debilitating

Original poster
Poorlymummy · 11/05/2019 22:40

I could understand if he was employed and working for someone he wouldn't be able to get time off, and I would properly never ask him. When he's 10-15 mins from me, works for himself and chooses when to work I just feel like he could have helped me out with the kids today. This is just the tip of the iceberg, he's never there for me and is so unreliable. I will ask him if he can pick DD5 up from school, he'd say yes then 10 mins before DD is to be picked up I'll receive a text from him saying he's at then time and can't pick her up. There's always a reason why he can't do something, the excuses are endless. I can't just rest assured that he will do the things he says he will, I'm always expecting him to cancel. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot today, and I was out working he would demand that I come home and look after the kids, I'm just expected to look after them when ill, but he gets ill and the world has to stop.

And it's also the ignoring my calls that annoys me, why am I made to feel like I've done something wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Poorlymummy · 11/05/2019 22:41

At the gym *

OP posts:
Original poster
Poorlymummy · 11/05/2019 22:45

It also makes me sad to hear/see some of the things my friends DHs/DPs are willing to do for them, and there was a thread on here about what makes someone a keeper. And there was some lovely stories, made me sad knowing my DH would never do anything for me.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 11/05/2019 22:47

Stop doing the things you do for him. If he's unreliable and unhelpful, serve that back to him.

OldAndWornOut · 11/05/2019 22:50

Does he ignore your calls when he's working?
That seems entirely reasonable to me, particularly if he is driving.

jacks11 · 11/05/2019 22:52

If your DH is self-employed and he doesn't work, presumably he doesn't get paid? Could it be that he is worried about being able to pay the bills if he takes time off? Being self-employed doesn't always mean you can just not bother working if it doesn't suit/work hours to suit yourself.

I also think having a headache and sore throat doesn't necessarily mean you need someone to come and look after you/the kids. You may have preferred that, but my DH would have to be really quite unwell for me to pack up work and come home to look after the children. Were you genuinely feeling really very unwell, or just under the weather and really miserable with it?

NameChangerAmI · 11/05/2019 22:53

YABU.

The number of times I've had to look after children whilst feeling like boiled shit! It's so difficult being ill with small children, but you just have to muddle through. Flowers Hope you're soon feeling better.

jacks11 · 11/05/2019 23:00

know that if the shoe was on the other foot today, and I was out working he would demand that I come home and look after the kids, I'm just expected to look after them when ill, but he gets ill and the world has to stop

Well, that does change it slightly. He sounds selfish and in future I wouldn't run around after him when he has a cold/minor illness. I still think you probably could have managed without him as you had what sounds like a viral upper respiratory tract infection and not influenza. Unpleasant but not life threatening- and you did manage to get through the day, so I think expecting your DH to lose out on wages was probably a bit OTT on this occasion.

I suspect, though, that the real issue here is that you feel he doesn't pull his weight and lets you down/doesn't help when he should. I think that's the issue you need to address. Also the "gets shouty" would be something I would be addressing too- no partner should be "getting shouty" when there is a disagreement.

justasking111 · 11/05/2019 23:03

Self employed DH here, it is tough I would have to have an ambulance parked outside before he would come home. It is a work ethic thing, he hates to let people down. It is a lot more stressful than being an employee in a big organisation. I would not rely on him for the school run either.

StealthPolarBear · 11/05/2019 23:05

The rights or wrongs in this situation aren't important. He sounds like a self serving shit all the time.

likeridingabike · 11/05/2019 23:06

You haven't mentioned your job so I'm assuming you're a SAHP and your DH's income is therefore the main source of income for the family? Don't you need him to be out earning?

I've never been a SAHP but I'd assume when you're ill (normal colds and sore throat type stuff) you'd stick the kids in front of the telly and have a lazy day.

floraloctopus · 11/05/2019 23:08

If you have a headache and sore threat you don't need your dh to stay off work, you just take a pain reliever and a drink of coffee and get on with it Hmm

BackforGood · 11/05/2019 23:09

I think you've asked the wrong question.

If he is always unreliable and unhelpful, then post about that and perhaps you would get more support, but, by asking about if he should have missed a days work because you had a headache and sore throat, is going to get you different responses.

No, I wouldn't expect an adult to miss a day's work because their partner was feeling under the weather.

Damntheman · 11/05/2019 23:13

Flu is pretty debilitating in my opinion and my husband would absolutely stay home to watch the kids if I had flu. I wouldn't even need to ask.

OP the fact that he was sitting with a friend not even actively working when you called out of desperation and he still didn't come is telling. He doesn't seem to care very much for you, I'm sorry.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.