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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I deserve an apology?

52 replies

Rideagain · 11/05/2019 21:38

Partner and I have been having issues in our relationship for some time. Last month we agreed we would try counselling as we seem to struggle to communicate with each other over important issues.

I said I would contact Relate and make an appt. However in our area there's no way of doing this online, you have to ring up and can only do this 9-5. I am very busy at work and often work my lunch due to meetings overlapping. So after a week I'd not had a chance to call, so he asks me for the number so he can call them. I assume that he'll make the call.

Its now 2 weeks later. He started a row today because I hadn't made time to call in the last fortnight. He doesn't believe I thought he was doing it, and says this is my cavalier attitude to our relationship, that I don't care and make no effort.

Last weekend I travelled 200 miles to help him move home, giving up my weekend and basically being on my feet packing and unpacking pretty much non stop for 8 hours.

I should add tomorrow I'm going on holiday (with a group of female friends). He was meant to drive me to the airport but of course isn't now.

I told him I refuse to be bullied (when he was shouting at me) in response to which he shouted at me that I'm a bitch, how dare I call him a bully etc.

I think calling me a bitch isn't acceptable and he should apologise. I've said sorry for any misunderstanding around calling Relate btw.

OP posts:

ChoccieEClaire · 11/05/2019 21:51

It sounds like there is a lot of frustration on both sides right now but he needs to apologise for calling you that.
I'm sure you could have made time touring Relate to book an appointment, it wouldn't take long so I can see why he's annoyed about that.
You say that you helped him to move last weekend so does that mean you're not currently living together?
It all sounds a bit tit for tat at the moment and maybe the break with your girls holiday has come at a good time to give you both some space and think about what you want from each other

CastleCrasher · 11/05/2019 21:52

If neither of you can find time to make the call it's clearly not a priority. You're calling each other things like bully and bitch...I'd call it a day.

OliviaBenson · 11/05/2019 21:55

Sounds like he's picking an argument with you just before you go away........

VladmirsPoutine · 11/05/2019 21:55

The apology sounds like the least of the issues given what you've said about the broader problems.

Are you not living together? How long have you been together?

If this is one of those intense; on/off - can't live with you/can't live without you type of relationships then take it from me - it never works out in the end. Angst is not love.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 11/05/2019 21:57

I have to agree with castle. If you're not even living together and this is how things are you really need to ask yourself if it's worth all this hassle and bad feeling.

Original poster

Rideagain · 11/05/2019 22:02

We've never lived together, by mutual agreement. We've been together 5 years.

Could I have found time to call? In that first week genuinely no, I was in back to back meetings and training all day and debriefs from 9-5 solidly. I had time before 9 or after 5 but they're not open then. And for the 2 weeks since, he said he was doing it (although according to him he didn't say that)

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/05/2019 22:05

I actually know what you mean about work. I'm in an open plan office, booking a meeting room at the moment is tricky and a lot of them you can hear anyway or there isn't good reception. If I've got a confidential call to make then it's pretty hard.

Why though did he ask you for the number so he could call them, if he had no intention of making the call? Why is it you that isn't invested in the relationship, when he didn't call either? What's he done to try and improve things?

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 11/05/2019 22:11

Well whatever the reason three weeks have passed, the call wasn't made and now there's another row. Plus he's using it as a stick to beat you with. Again Op, you have to ask yourself is this relationship worth all this angst and upset?

You don't live together so I'm assuming (perhaps wrongly) that you don't have dc together, shared finances, household stuff you juggle between you - the various things that usually cause the sort of rows and discontent that eventually leads a couple to try counseling. Should it really be this hard?

7salmonswimming · 11/05/2019 22:13

Agree with PP.

If you’re calling each other bitch/ a bully, an apology for this is the least of your problems. You’re not even committed enough to live together.

I’d call it a day. It shouldn’t have to be this difficult.

jameswong · 11/05/2019 22:15

If you don't live together and don't have kids then just end it. Counselling is for salvaging relationships where the fall out could have additional ramifications. He's your boyfriend. Just get a new one.

MrsPinkCock · 11/05/2019 22:16

You don’t live together
You aren’t married
You presumably don’t have DC together

Why bother? It really doesn’t sound like it’s worth this level of hassle after 5 years!

ichbineinstasumer · 11/05/2019 22:19

well, you do deserve an apology because asking for the number does very much imply he was planning to take on the responsibility. But you aren't going to get one. As pps have said, perhaps take the opportunity if your holiday with friends to reflect on what you really want and decide whether the counselling is worthwhile.

BlueMerchant · 11/05/2019 22:20

I think you should make a new start without him. I'd tell him it's over then go away with your friends and have a fun holiday to blow away the cobwebs.

category12 · 11/05/2019 22:20

He could have made the call to Relate, but he'd rather have a go at you. Doesn't say a lot for him.

BummyKnocker · 11/05/2019 22:24

He lives 200 miles away, you don't communicate, neither of you prioritised calling Relate, he called you a bitch....it is time to move on.

Fairenuff · 11/05/2019 22:24

Does it really matter? Just thank him for showing you who he really is and walk away. This is not the relationship for you.

Original poster

Rideagain · 11/05/2019 22:24

We don't live together because I have DC living with me so I don't want to move, and he didn't want to move in here - so we agreed years ago to defer living together for a few years until my DC are older/ have moved out.

I didn't say he was a bully, I said I won't be bullied. I was in a terrible relationship with my DCs dad where he would shout at me and expect me to back down. I consider that to be bullying and aggressive and I feel very strongly that I won't stand for anything like that again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rideagain · 11/05/2019 22:29

He's only lived this distance away for 6 months (for family reasons). Prior to that we lived in the same town and saw each other daily.

Generally we get on very well, never argue. Have similar interests, enjoy spending time together. I have supported him through some very traumatic events over the last 5 years, he has encouraged me with some positive and fairly major life changes. We always said we were on the same team.

However what grates is that while I was helping him last week, that was exactly how it was. This week, he's like a different person.

OP posts:

TheresWaldo · 11/05/2019 22:30

I'd just tell him to piss off to be honest. It shouldn't be like this when you don't even live together! I have been with dh for 20+ years and whilst we have had our moments we never got to this sort of situation. Surely you can't communicate effectively if you live so far apart.

ChoccieEClaire · 11/05/2019 22:30

What do you want to happen? Counselling isn't a magic wand to fixing relationships, its about giving you the tools to communicate and a basis to work from.
If you both genuinely want to make it work then great but if you can't find time for a phone call its going to be a struggle to find time to engage in counselling.

VladmirsPoutine · 11/05/2019 22:35

I think your perception of what constitutes a healthy relationship is so skewed that you're willing to save what frankly sounds like a toxic relationship.

Relate isn't the solution. Cutting him out of your life is.

Whereistheglove · 11/05/2019 22:38

Is there any happiness in your relationship? To be honest I’d just call it a day if you don’t even live together after 5 years. Life isn’t meant to be this hard. And do it before you go on holiday and enjoy yourself

Original poster

Rideagain · 11/05/2019 22:39

I don't have time 9-5. But I won't be attending counseling then, it would be an evening or weekend appt as he can't attend other than at those times either.

I have done some reading and I think I probably don't communicate well, but nor does he. I have a tendency to avoid difficult conversations, and he likes to play the martyr or start shouting which aren't effective communication strategies either. Even if we don't stay together I would like to work on how I communicate.

I want to make it work, he says he does. However his view is that if I wanted it to work I would have made the call. And because I didn't accept it was entirely my fault I get shouted at and called a bitch.

OP posts:

TheresWaldo · 11/05/2019 22:41

Anyone who called me a bitch can fuck off to be plain.

Butterymuffin · 11/05/2019 22:43

Does he do that a lot, ie tell you things are your fault, or that you haven't made enough effort?

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