Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I deserve an apology?

52 replies

Rideagain · 11/05/2019 21:38

Partner and I have been having issues in our relationship for some time. Last month we agreed we would try counselling as we seem to struggle to communicate with each other over important issues.

I said I would contact Relate and make an appt. However in our area there's no way of doing this online, you have to ring up and can only do this 9-5. I am very busy at work and often work my lunch due to meetings overlapping. So after a week I'd not had a chance to call, so he asks me for the number so he can call them. I assume that he'll make the call.

Its now 2 weeks later. He started a row today because I hadn't made time to call in the last fortnight. He doesn't believe I thought he was doing it, and says this is my cavalier attitude to our relationship, that I don't care and make no effort.

Last weekend I travelled 200 miles to help him move home, giving up my weekend and basically being on my feet packing and unpacking pretty much non stop for 8 hours.

I should add tomorrow I'm going on holiday (with a group of female friends). He was meant to drive me to the airport but of course isn't now.

I told him I refuse to be bullied (when he was shouting at me) in response to which he shouted at me that I'm a bitch, how dare I call him a bully etc.

I think calling me a bitch isn't acceptable and he should apologise. I've said sorry for any misunderstanding around calling Relate btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rideagain · 11/05/2019 22:58

I am really annoyed he felt he could call me that. My parents would row and argue often but my DM would never have called DM a bitch. To be fair, they both often told each other they were being arses, or whatever, but there's something mean about calling someone a bitch. DC's dad used to call me that (and a lot worse) and I really don't like it, it feels disrespectful unkind and a bit spiteful.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 11/05/2019 22:58

Sounds like you both have a foot out of the door. I have a friend like this they do not live together, her choice, been dating a long time engaged for a few years. She found out at xmas he had been seeing someone else for a couple of years when the woman came forward. They have sort of patched it up although the trust is badly damaged. Living apart just does not work long term.

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 11/05/2019 23:10

The pair of you have created a machine. You turn a cog which turns one of his and it’s always the same cogs and the same output. And it echoes around the room it’s in. So you know what’s wrong.

You need to talk then listen in turn.

We use a few strategies to avoid difficult or hurtful situations. They normally get ratcheted up through about five or so levels till you end up crying or screaming. You can look at the typical stages. Better still study your own responses , each of you. Playing the martyr card is a good place to start. You tell him what you do and he tells you how he handles it. It’s childish but we learn these things when we are young.

Relate is good from people I know who have been there. In our relationship we have the same argument type behaviour all of the time.

Love is a battle.

janetforpresident · 11/05/2019 23:25

Sorry but I don't believe you couldn't have nipped out for the two minutes it takes to organise an appointment. Did you not need a wee at any point during that week?

I think he is frustrated because he feels he is low on your priority list. Your set up doesn't sound conducive to a happy relationship either. Why not just call it a day it doesn't sound like it's worth the

Original poster
Rideagain · 11/05/2019 23:33

Actually some days I often don't go to the loo all day. But when I do, I am in and out in a minute. I wouldn't have had time to walk back to my desk (on a different floor and different phase of the building) get my phone and then fond somewhere quiet tp make the call.

And why is it so impossible I didn't have time? He hasn't had time either. Yet he is the one getting nasty and shouty about it. He isn't top of my priority list no. My DC are, and then my job because that supports my family. I've never had a penny from DCs dad so ensuring we are financially secure is a priority. I have a very busy life and a lot of responsibility. He always says I should ask him for help f I can't manage. This is why there is no point asking.

I don't want to split up. But I don't want things tp continue as they are. And I won't put up with being spoken to as he did. I took it from my Ex for too long and I will not be someone's verbal lunch at.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rideagain · 11/05/2019 23:33

Punchbag, even.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rideagain · 11/05/2019 23:40

I don't cry or scream at him. I don't even raise my voice. I used to cry when we disagreed when we were first together. Over time I've stopped. He accuses me of being emotionless and uncaring. I'm not, I just don't think that getting hysterical helps any kind of discussion. Plus I feel in some ways like I'm beyond that. The last time I cried over him was when (after our last disagreement) last year he said he would end his life. I spent 2 hours begging him not to. After that things were fine for months but now we are back to a similar situation (albeit no such threats to self harm thankfully).

OP posts:
category12 · 11/05/2019 23:54

I'm quite concerned by the fact he's threatened suicide after arguments before, the martyrdom and the blame-shifting he does. After all, he did say he was going to make that phonecall, yet didn't and is now denying saying he would. All these add up to some very unhealthy behaviours - bit manipulative.

Original poster
Rideagain · 12/05/2019 00:53

He's only said the stuff about suicide once. But once was enough tbh.

OP posts:
asdou · 12/05/2019 01:29

Is he worth it?

Original poster
Rideagain · 12/05/2019 08:15

I've always thought he was. But I don't want to be called a bitch again just for standing up for myself.

OP posts:
MargotSimpson · 12/05/2019 08:26

You don’t live together yet you already feel like you need counselling? This doesn’t bode well for the future. Things will not improve if/when you do move in together.

Calling you a bitch is awful but if it’s a one-off I wouldn’t end the relationship over it. However from what you’ve dripfed regarding the suicide threat, I’d say you have much bigger problems than this one argument. I’d use this holiday to really think about whether you want to continue with this person.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 12/05/2019 09:02

Truthfully, from what you have posted here, it doesn't seem like a healthy relationship at the moment - or for some time.

I wouldn't get too hung up on an apology for this particular word at this particular time, but focus on whether or not you are prepared and motivated to do the counselling with Relate. In your situation, I'd go ad have my holiday and have a think about it, and give him time to have a think about it too, then decide when you come back whether you will go ahead and be explicit about who will call them.

It seems a little odd that you would take responsibility for the call if you knew you wouldn't have time between 9 and 5 to do it.

TheSerenDipitY · 12/05/2019 09:07

wow, this sounds so unhealthy

Fatted · 12/05/2019 09:10

Cut your losses OP.

ClaryFray · 12/05/2019 09:10

As I always say to my partner if its important to you, you'll find the time to do it. The call obviously wasnt that important to you

sackrifice · 12/05/2019 09:13

Look, regardless of the rows and name calling, who didn't call relate etc...

You gave up a weekend to help him and he isn't helping you, he is showing you who he is and you need to listen. It all seems to work in his favour doesn't it?

Baloonphobia · 12/05/2019 09:15

Sounds like a mess and that the relationship is over.

Inkstainedmags · 12/05/2019 09:51

YANBU. OP the more you describe his behaviour, the less healthy this sounds. Do you think that your previous toxic relationship has clouded your perspective of how a healthy partnership works?

Your partner sounds emotionally immature. It sound like he copes with stress in unhealthy ways and could do with a bit of self-reflection. He seems to blame everything on someone else.

You may very well need to work on your communication skills but your partner needs that AND to do some growing up.

BarbRoyle · 12/05/2019 10:08

Use your holiday away to consider your future. Weigh up whether he's good enough for you. Do you deserve better? I'd say you do.

KM99 · 12/05/2019 10:24

All name calling, arguing aside. A relationship can only be "saved" if you are willing to make it a priority. Neither of you seem to be able or willing to do that.

Right now it's all "he said, she said" bullshit. Of course he was bang out of order speaking to you like that, but surely your energy is better spent deciding how to move forward?

And the being too busy to make a relate appointment sounds more like a convenient excuse. Along with him taking the number from you. There are other counsellors, therapists who you can email to make appointments. And if you really have a job where you can't find 5 minutes to make a call, no lunch break etc then you need a new job.

Original poster
Rideagain · 12/05/2019 10:26

When I agreed to call I had no idea the phone lines were only open 9-5 and there was no other means of contacting them than by phone. I only found that out when I looked into it. That week I simply didn't have time. I would have found time the next week but by then he'd already told me he was doing it and I thought great, one less thing for me to do.

I'm happy to do counseling. I felt it was the best way forward as I don't feel we communicate and are in a pattern where we're not able to resolve anything because I feel a lot is down to me and he seems to respond to a lot of non verbal signals that I apparently give off.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/05/2019 11:16

The more you say about him, the more little red flags are popping up.

So you're getting into rows or upsetting him unintentionally because he seems to respond to a lot of non verbal signals that I apparently give off? Sometimes emotional abusers do this - act like you've done something hurtful when you haven't, deliberately misread you and then you end up the bad guy, wrongfooted and apologising for nothing. Is this what's happening?

SavingSpaces2019 · 12/05/2019 14:35

I think he's controlling you.
You're just enduring a different kind of abuse and control compared to with your ex.
Maybe because you think 'it's not bad in the same way' is clouding your judgement.

He wants you and your relationship on his terms only....and he expects you to do the grunt work.
He didn't want to move in with you whilst you have the dc - ok, i can understand that even though that would have stung me.
If he wants a future with you then he needs to accept that your dc will always be a part of that.
How is the relationship between your dc and him?

You accepted he didn't want to live with/take on your dc.
Living close by made it easier to have a relationship despite your busy work lives and, for you, the added responsibility of dc.

Now he chooses to move 20 miles away, no thought for your relationship or you.
How is this going to work now?
You give up time with the dc to spend travelling and staying with him?
Or you take them with you and it impacts on their time with their dad/friends/hobbies?

You're both 'too busy' subconsciously avoiding to make a 2 minute phone call.
Forget the excuses, if neither of you can find 2 minutes to spare from 8 hours then it says it all.

He wants you to keep doing all the giving and investing emotional energy whilst he does as he pleases.
You've never had a healthy relationship.
I used to cry when we disagreed when we were first together. Over time I've stopped. He accuses me of being emotionless and uncaring
So when you make your needs known or stand up for yourself he uses emotional manipulation and blackmail to keep you in line - and threatening suicide is a classic one abusers use as well.
However what grates is that while I was helping him last week, that was exactly how it was. This week, he's like a different person
Yea, he knows how to turn on the charm to reel you in and get what he wants
He wants to keep you hooked no matter how unhealthy it is for you.

I think you can do much better than him.
he's just another selfish, abusive, controlling prick and this relationship is not right for you - i think you know that deep down.

sackrifice · 12/05/2019 16:20

he seems to respond to a lot of non verbal signals that I apparently give off.

What like driving 200 miles and humping his ear around all weekend?

Swipe left for the next trending thread