DM and childcare

[citrine10]

My mother is already stressing me out about childcare after my maternity leave, and i think she is BU.

I will return to work full time (5 days a week) My MIL has offered to have DD 1 day a week, which is great as I want them to have a close relationship.

My mum wants to have DD the other 4 days. I think this is too much and said I would be happier with 2, and 2 days at nursery. My DM and DF live with us.

My DM reacted very badly when I mentioned nursery, saying how terrible she thinks it is for a child to go before 1 year of age. I don't think this is true, but maybe I am wrong? I think 4 days is far too much hard work - they aren't retired and work p/t, but could look after the baby outside their working hours.

I want to hold firm, but I also feel ungrateful. I trust my mum 100% but feel this is the start of disregarding my decisions as a mother, which makes me uncomfortable. WWYD?

4 days is a massive commitment, particularly as you all live together. I would suggest a childminder for 3 days and one day each with MIL and DM, with DM also on standby for the inevitably sickness days when your baby won't be able to go to the child minder.

It's a difference of opinion not disregarding your decisions. Why do you think it will be too much for them? There seems to be a popular idea on MN that grandparents are to old to do more than a small amount of childcare, yet frequently in rl I see gps who manage perfectly well doing 5 day child care and sadly an increasing number of gps who have full guardianship of the dgc for various reasons. All appear to cope perfectly well.

Have you ask what she exects you to do if they are sick/on holiday etc.
Much more sensible to have nursery for a few days so that you have reliable childcare for at least some of the week.

Would you be happy giving the four days a try, on the proviso that you'll reconsider nursery in a few months? Like pp I see plenty of gp who do loads of childcare, so if they're fit, able and willing, then why not? If it becomes too much, you can always change the arrangement

Why not see how it goes? I don't think 4 days is a massive amount and when your child is 2 maybe a couple of mornings in nursery to break it up for your mum.

I agree about being on standby for sickness; I'm very lucky to have that as an option really.

I think it is too much for them - if they were retired I might feel differently, but they work and I can see now how tired they are. They would be doing an early shift then go straight into caring for my child for 10 hours. I think that's too much 4 days a week. My mum can be very overbearing even though her heart is in the right place. Even my conflict avoiding father told her she was overstepping the mark when she started tantrumming about not having the baby 4 days.

I think 2 days would be enough. Stand your ground 👍🏻

I agree with sweeneytoddsrazor, expressing her opinion isn't 'disregarding your decisions as a mother'.

It is a pretty commonly held view that it isn't ideal for babies to be in a Nursery. Of course for many it is the best option, but you have a choice.

I don't know what will be best - you have an unusual relationship / situation in that your DM and DF live with you, so I think that changes the dynamic. How will you work through that when you are feeling this 'disregards your decisions as a mother'. If she is likely to parent differently, then it will have an impact day after day at home too, surely ?

If you don’t want to hurt her feelings suggest they try out with 2 days to begin with. I am retired and have looked after all of my GCs. It was much harder than I remembered. Although there are two of them, the fact that they are working means they will have very little down time.

If after a while they say they want to do the 4 days you can say you don’t want to disrupt baby’s routine.

You haven’t given a lot for detail but i would say that it depends on your relationship with your mum and what you think she would do with your DD. For example, I wouldn’t really want MIL to have 14mo DS2 for several days a week (she would not offer anyway) because I know he would be watching tv most of the time, and her health isn’t great. But my mum offered to have him 3 days a week after I went back to work and I was happy because I knew he would be well looked after and stimulated enough. It isn’t 3 full days because my DH is home early, It’s still a lot of work but she loves it and tells us this regularly. We also have a good chat once a week, initiated by me, to see how everything is and if anything needs to change. She is fit and active too btw.

I don’t think nursery is terrible at all! Far from it. I just believe that under 2s are better with a parent or relative (yes I know we are very lucky).

Honestly. I've just gone through something a little similar. My parents had DD 1 day a week but we've sadly had to stop it. It saves us so much money and it's so lovely for the relationship. I never worry about standard of care. BUT - they are retired and they want to go on holidays a lot. Of course they do, they've worked their whole lives and they bloody well deserve it. I would never ever stop them or tell them how much stress it was actually causing me as I was spending half my time finding emergency childcare or taking my own holiday days to cover off the days they were away as they'd call and say 'weve found an amazing last minute deal so we won't be around next week'.

4 days a week. What happens when they go on holiday? What happens if they are sick? Is there a plan b? With a nursery no matter what your child will have somewhere to go. With parents there is always a risk no matter how cushty it seems at the time

Also. If it becomes too much for them and you need to find childcare you're then having to scramble and find a nursery that has availability. And the best nurseries are very likely full.

Well my 9 month old goes to nursery 4 days a week and she absolutely loves it. My mother is appalled by it I think it's a generational thing that they think women should be at home raising the children.

Don't let her talk you out of it. Four days is a huge commitment for anyone and I think she underestimated how much.

I feel it's disregarding my feelings because she was very upset when I mentioned nursery and told me "I'm not having that." I had to point out it wasn't her decision to make, but she only apologised after my father said she was being too pushy.

I think there would be a lot of staying in the house watching TV, which I'm not very comfortable with. They do this most of the time now in their downtime. They're not really going on holiday people.

Ultimately, it's out of love that my DM wants to do 4 days, but I have a really niggling feeling that it is going to be too much. But I do think as much time as possible with family under 2 is also for the best as well.

As they work it is unreasonable. One day is fine. Mine both went to all day nursery from a few months, my son full time and my daughter a couple days a week as I’d given up work after she was born. I think it’s never too soon to learn the rules of the playground! They had a great time there, had lots of play time and socialising that I never would have been able to give them. It meant the switch to full days at reception were a breeze too. As she lives with you they’ll see your baby all the time anyway!

I actually don't think it's the managing of four days a week that could be the potential issue. PIL offered to have DD 5 days a week for us, we refused and they did 2 days a week for us. I've listed a few reasons below that you might like to consider...

• childcare has to be reliable and regular. Can your parents honestly commit to 4 days a week for 44+ weeks a year. Childcare needs to work around their hobbies, appointments, holidays. They can't let you down on a whim, nor can they keep cancelling.

• I felt that I wanted my PIL to be grandparents, with all the spoiling that comes along with that. I didn't want DD eating sweets all week, they took her to McDonalds, fed her lots of fruit shoots. They loved her, she has a great relationship with them, but they love being grandparents. Our CM fed DD a nutritious and well balanced diet as that was her job.

• If you live together and your parents are doing lots of childcare, how might you feel if DD goes to granny and not you? We worked out that our CM had just as much waking hours with DD on 3 days a week as we did working full time! Would your parents be sensitive around firsts and milestones?

• Any problems are far easier addressed when you're paying someone. Hurting the feelings or having a difficult conversation with your parents (especially when you live together) is really hard. You might be happy to let things go if they're only happening one day a week, but would need to tackle if four days a week. We had to do this over sugary drinks making DD unwell. When you employ a CM or use a nursery it is a much more professional and distanced relationship.

Personally, based on our experience, I would do one day each with grandparents and use a CM or nursery for the other days. Have parents and PIL on standby for sickness or CM holidays.

I'd also be concerned that your mum is already being pushy about it and trying to force her will on you. If she offered and was letting you think about it, chat to DH, backed off, then that might be different. How will she react when you say no to something they're doing with DD.

I would be much more concerned about loads of TV, at home time with an under 2 than I would in high quality nursery/CM provision. They will be stimulated, have access to loads of resources, do lots of different things (playgroups, rhyme time etc if with a CM and loads of different stuff in a nursery setting, meeting lots of other children and adults)

Thanks for all the advice and personal stories with grandparent care, it's really helpful

I get why a comment like “I’m not having that” would get your hackles up. I’m broadly on the side of ‘don’t be so fucking precious’ on threads where parents are concerned about minimising grandparent input or questioning whether grandparents still know how to look after small children / understand that it’s tough going - but it does sound like your mum is a bit overbearing and I’d also feel anxious about handing over my baby to a relative so keen to take over, four days a week.

BUT all else held equal, I definitely think Nursery is the less good option at under 2-3 years. My DC1 started nursery at 16 months, and he was fine and had strong nurturing relationships with nursery staff etc, but I don’t think it’s the best option if good alternatives are available. Hard to know whether your mum constitutes ‘good alternative’ in this case!

Your baby, your decision. I’d send her to nursery for 3 days, grandparents do one day each. Don’t let her take the piss with what she wants. You’re the mum.

My colleague lives with her in-laws and her dc does mornings at nursery and afternoon with grandma. Is that an option?

I'd never have a grandparent do most of childcare.
They cannot parent at all. They grand parent.
They love to spoil and coddle and if your child is around that more than you but also living with them too.... Your going to have a very spoiled child on your hands who prefers nan to you.
This happened to my sons paternal aunt and her son. Kid is now 11 and his nan was one who raised him, his mother got so depressed by how her son was with her she just gave up. Her mum took over completely and he's got to be the most spoiled child I have ever come across. Literally grew up on biscuits, sweets and never being told off. Awful child

My friend took early retirement & looked after her 1yo gd 4 days a week for a year. She was shattered. One day with each granny and child minder (a good one is better than nursery, more individual attention)

My Dcs both went to nursery from a very young age and loved it. In your situation I think your suggestion of 1 day with MIL, 2 days with DM and 2 days in nursery would be a good routine. Nursery is great for socialising with other children and learning about sharing etc. I would have loved GPS to offer to have DCs for part of the week tbh so you are very lucky that both sets of GPS want to help in this way - but I agree your DM might be underestimating how tiring 4 days would be.

the nursery can cope with other staff illness etc and think about it how much does your mum know about MODERN CHILDCARE?? staff are trained and in first aid etc. What happens when your parents want to go out / illness etc??? whos going to cover that? a nursery will not let you down on that front and will be trained on healthy food/ education/ stimulation. I am glad ds went to nursery from 9 months old. It was the staff there that spotted all wasnt right with him and got the ball rolling (he is autistic as it turned out). They were proactive and worked with the speech therapists/ psychologist etc! How would your folks deal with that....would they even know something wasn`t quite right even?

1 day a week each set of grandparents sounds fine and fair. If your parents have form for being overbearing or anything tell the nursery its only you and dp that collects your child. They will have to abide by that. Your child is not a dolly .