AIBU to not remember my parents wedding anniversary?

[nuttyfruitcake]

Every year my mum makes a big thing about telling me it's their wedding anniversary. Which I obviously don't have on my radar. They usually go out somewhere, which is nice. I get the impression she wants a card from us and a big fanfare, but I just don't think it's something that needs my input. She tends say you seem to have forgotten, but it's our wedding anniversary tomorrow.

My parents were married a long time ( 10 years ) before having me and brother. They argue constantly and moan about each other, and I would say they are both quite miserable.

For context I'm not married, but have been married in the past. They never sent me a wedding anniversary card or even mentioned it. And I wouldn't have expected it at all. (And yes they did like my husband and didn't want us to spilt.)

I barely remember my own wedding anniversary do I bollocks remember someone else's. Nor would I ever buy anyone an anniversary present unless they were having a party I was invited to

I find this thread and all the 'no one should be expected to remember anyone else's anniversary' replies really surprising. They're her parents, not just total randomers. The parents' relationship/marriage is sort of the reason the family exists, so I'd have thought it was something to celebrate?

Exactly. It’s not like it’s any more difficult than remembering a birthday.

Me too, but we seem to be in a small minority. I'm amazed at the number of people here not caring about their own anniversaries too. Contrast that with the number of threads we get every February from OPs upset because their husbands/boyfriends 'forgot' to get them a 'Happy Generic Love Day' card or flowers.

My mum is the same. Never remembers mine but drills it into us siblings that help will decend upon our heads if we forget hers. No it's not theirs in her world just hers!

It's not the cost of the card plus the postage I do thank you cards, Mother's Day, Birthday. It's the concept that I should celebrate something that happened before I was born.

I of course said have a lovely day tomorrow, when she reminded me again earlier. I do know if she expects a visit or something arranged for her. We don't have any money to do parties etc.

@Giantsbane That would be me refusing to do the post ! Luckily my parents don't do Facebook, but I can imagine that's the type of thing my Mum would love to have. My mum is actually quite shy and sort of gets flustered by attention, but she actually laps it up.

As far as I'm concerned, anniversaries are recognised by the couple and perhaps their parents, but I wouldn't expect it. As I'm close to my DSis I might send her a card or a line of congrats, but that's my choice.

Children shouldn't have to remember their parents' anniversaries, as they normally aren't there for them - and I know that goes for birthdays but I don't think you can call that the same type of anniversary. That said I would send a card on milestone ones.

YANBU OP. I bet the people haranguing you and calling you mean and a twat for not doing it don’t send their own parents a wedding anniversary card 🙄

She gets Mother’s Day and birthday cards from you, that’s more than enough. The fact that she didn’t get you anniversary cards herself cements it. Is she on time with birthday cards to you?

YANBU OP. I bet the people haranguing you and calling you mean and a twat for not doing it don’t send their own parents a wedding anniversary card 🙄

No haranguing or criticising from me - just genuine surprise. I gave/sent my parents an anniversary card every year from a very young age until they died, and I still take a moment to remember it every year although it's been many years now. This seemed/seems natural and I thought it would be the norm, but if it doesn't work that way for the majority of families, then all good.

My mum used to get the hump if I didn’t send a card (which I used to do) however once I realised that they didn’t even mark it between themselves I thought “why am I bothering?!”. It’s not like they’ve ever sent me one either although to be fair we don’t bother and I couldn’t care less about cards.

I really think it’s for the couple to mark the day. Kind of bizarre to expect children to mark a day they most likely weren’t in existence for.

WeBuilt each to their own of course, I don’t mean you, but the people calling OP a twat and mean. So unnecessary.

It's not THAT big of a deal to simply put a reminder down and just send a card, is it? Clearly it means something to her, despite what your take on her relationship is. A simple gesture that would mean a lot is worth doing, they are still your parents.

If I was fortunate enough to have both parent's still together, this would be something I would do until the end of time. I know many children and grandchildren who celebrate and acknowledge the wedding anniversary of their parents/grandparents.

I wasn't in existence for my parents birth either but I still mark their birthdays

Yanbu
Sorry, op mum needs to get a life or look in the mirror of her own marriage. If they were still loving and it means so much to her yes, celebrate, organise her a party or holiday for the 30th/50th. What's with this meaningless card giving culture?

bowchic OP says her parents are miserable in the marriage, sounds like they need external validation for putting up with each other. I wouldn’t want to send a card to celebrate that either.

I can't even remember my own let alone anyone else's.

Greeting cards in general are stupid, they’re a waste of trees, money and for the most part end up in the bin a few days later.
I would probably compromise and wish her a happy anniversary on the day but I wouldn’t be spending money on a card.

Tell her that her expectations are unrealistic.
Also, you weren’t invited and you’re still bitter!

Also, you weren’t invited and you’re still bitter!

Thanks, Antigon - and Also, you weren’t invited and you’re still bitter!

The rationale that you don't celebrate it because it happened before you were born doesn't make any sense. They were born before you were born, but you celebrate their birthdays?

And it sort of implies that since you weren't there, it has nothing to do with you, which seems a little childish. It's important to them.

Is there a massive backstory here, like she never gave you a birthday party when you were little or something?

I've always been of the opinion that a wedding anniversary is just between the husband and wife. What's special about it is that it's beautifully personal and private, and a nice opportunity for you to be soppy and romantic with each other and reminisce. I wouldn't expect anyone else to even acknowledge my wedding anniversary, and as far as I'm aware no one expects me to acknowledge theirs. Honestly I would feel quite uncomfortable giving a card or a gift for my parent's wedding anniversary - it's their special day between them, why would I muscle in on that? Makes me feel a bit "ew" just thinking about it. I would feel equally weird about receiving such things on my own anniversary from anyone except my husband. It seems quite inappropriate to me. I've never really questioned my views on this before, so I'm happy to be told that I'm the strange one...

The exception to this would be if it was a big one and a party was being thrown - I know some people have a big bash for a 50th anniversary, for example, and then of course I would come along with a present and a card and all that jazz. In this instance it's appropriate because you have been explicitly invited to celebrate with them. Otherwise it just seems off.

My parents divorced when I was too young to be buying cards but as a teen/adult it always seemed odd to me that my friends would buy their parents anniversary cards unless for a 'big' anniversary. I have always purring it down to not having experience of my parents anniversary's but I feel like it was a day for the couple... more like a Valentine's Day in card exchange terms.

Exactly. It’s not like it’s any more difficult than remembering a birthday.

That’s not the point. I know perfectly when when my parents’ anniversary is, I just don’t send a card. It isn’t like they are frail elderly people hiding at home whose only joy in this life is receiving the odd greeting card for special occasions. They are in their early 60’s and I speak to them most days, see them very regularly and get on really well with them. It has become a bit of a joke that we laugh about every year rather than some thing they genuinely take offence to.

DH and I ignore Valentine’s Day too as I think it’s ridiculous.

My PIL’s are excellent at sending timely cards in the post for every occasion. It’s a shame they are pretty crap at providing any real practical assistance. I know what would mean more to me.

Ha ha no back story here. I see my parents every week and we get on. Regularly talk to them. I wouldn't say we are a lovey dovey family though, so maybe it's that.

Oh OP your mum's birthday happened before you were born and I assume you celebrate that?

Don't get me wrong. I can't even remember my own wedding anniversary let alone my parents' but it's never been important to my family. Your mum clearly cares about this and it would make her happy so why not just make a note in your calendar and send her a card. Wouldn't cost you much and it would make her happy?