Ex GF friend requesting DH

[whywhywhynot]

So wise mumnetters please tell me AIBU to be a little cautious about her motives, DH thinks I am.

DH GF from many moons ago (nearly 20 years) has friend requested him, I have no issue with exes being friends on FB or anywhere else for that matter, but this has come out of the blue. They have had no contact in all these years, no mutual friends etc so why now! It wasn't a serious relationship I don't believe, but they did have sex.

I think DH should ignore/delete the request, he thinks there is no harm in accepting it.

I recently friended an ex on SM, he's recently divorced, with DC etc. I have no interest in reigniting anything and he feels the same way. He actually does a manual job and he's actually been a massive help with a relative's property as it happens that he could do what we needed. There are no feelings left, I'm happily married and he's due to be married next year. She may well not be interested in climbing back on that particular horse and her motives are clean, it does happen OP

Forgot to say, we haven't had ANY contact in the 20 years since we split

I accidentally requested my ex bf's wife! (All went to same school so always appearing as "someone you may know") so I then requested him so it didn't look weird (!)

For me it would depend on who my partner would add on Facebook. So if it’s for close friends and family only then yes it would bother me because an ex from that long ago wouldn’t be either, but if they add anyone they’ve ever known it wouldn’t bother me.

EEK! Don't do it!

I'm kidding, there's no way it could turn out like when it happened to DH. Noooo way....

An ex he dated in his late teens for a few months sent a friend request. It was 15 years ago and they had no friends in common, hasn't seen each other since etc. I said, "Whatever you want to do. Accept it, there's no harm in it"

I was wrong.

She messaged and initially was polite. Bit of chit chat catching up, Kids, partners, careers etc. After a week or so she asked him if his 3 kids were all his (they are.). He said yep, we've been married for years and they're ours. She started messaging that she's heard differently. Over the next few days her messages went from nice and polite to ranting and raving, calling me a bitch who trapped him and passed other men's babies off as DH's etc. DH told her that she was obviously unhinged and more politely that I would have, to do one. He stopped messaging altogether.

She came back with pics of their "teenage daughter" and threats that there were warrants out for his arrest because he'd never paid child support.
DH knee a kid was extremely unlikely but they had indeed had sex so I tracked down her parents number and he called them to ask them to have a word because it was getting silly. They apologised, said she had done similar before and not to call the police because they didn't want her two young kids taking from her.

She escalated. An unknown person called DH's work claiming to be the police and telling them that they were going to arrest Mr DearStalkerish. Work were confused but luckily DH had been chatting about his "stalker" so they figured out the call for what it was. Then our young daughter got a message from her calling me a liar and telling her that her dad wasn't her real dad. Thankfully DD didn't have access to her FB as it was for Candy Crush lives only.

We went to the police. Stalker was found guilty and got 2 years probation.

All that from an ex messaging out the blue.

@Nononever I hadn't read your post when I posted. Looks like it isn't a one off thing.

If he's not bothered about being in touch for any reason and it bothers you. He should be able to decide to just delete it.

@DearStalkerish sorry you had to go through that. I was quite literally terrified. My husband contacted the woman's brother to see if he could help and he did try. He told us that his sister had serious mental health problems and had been sectioned in the past for threatening someone with a knife. She was under the care of a mental health team but had stopped her medication and was having manic episodes.

She claimed my husband had ruined her life (they were 20 when they briefly dated) but she'd gone on to marry someone else and have children with him. He divorced her apparently. We felt great sympathy for her but it literally was hell. Changed all phone numbers, email address and moved house. Thankfully we were in the position where we had two properties and she only managed to find the address of one (other was in my maiden name). My husband worked away for weeks at a time and I was terrified due to the nature of her emails (then letters when we changed email address). He never once replied to any of the 100's of emails. He'd block her email address and she'd create a new one.

I wouldn't like it.
Doesn't mean your husband's intentions aren't good though.

My father's high school girlfriend, with whom he broke up by ignoring until she got the hint, got a facebook a few years ago and added him. The rest of us promptly added her to start a group chat about what a twat he had been when he was 16. I wouldn't worry about it, being facebook friends with someone doesn't mean very much.

I was friends on facebook with my ex - he popped up as friends you may know so I sent him a request

He seemed to be doing well - was getting married and I sent him a congratulations post, next day we were no longer friends - can't help thinking the wife has something to do with it - doesn't really bother me though I remember thinking it was a little weird at the time.

There wasn't anything behind the request other than 'oh, haven't heard of him for ages - wonder what he's up to'

I found it disrespectful because they all know I am and he is upset by it but they maintain the 'friendship' despite that.
Without wanting to hijack the thread, this ex of my DH has made various attempts to contact him over the last 15 years of our marriage, which he has declined. (E.g. calling him at midnight at new year and on their special anniversaries) so im sure her wanting to be friends with his extended family is not innocent but she holds a candle for him.
I can't help the way I feel about it, I feel like my in-laws have all let me down.

This wouldn't remotely bother me at all, in fact it doesn't as my husband is friends with an ex on Facebook, I couldn't give s crap.

Because I trust him

And that's really what it's all about isn't it.

I personally don’t see an issue with a friendship request after 20 years. At least he’s told you; I wouldn’t know who was sending friendship requests to my DH. (Not that I have any worries on that score, I’m just saying it would have been very easy for him not to tell you about it.)

I’m Facebook friends with one ex boyfriend. We’ve occasionally shared Christmas/birthday cards and text messages over the years, though. My DH doesn’t mind now, but that’s because he soon knew that I didn’t have any interest in this ex anymore. And now he recently shared news of his engagement and then marriage. Which was nice to see, as he’s a friend.

I get that the scenario with your DH’s ex isn’t exactly the same, as there isn’t the history of friendship that I have with my ex. But, as I said, your DH has been honest with you, and as long as he continues in that vein, it shouldn’t be an issue.

I think it’s unlikely that she has designs on him, it’s more likely to be curiosity. It doesn’t sound as if your DH considers her to have been ‘the one that got away’.

My ex of 25 years popped up on a page we were both on. His surname is very common so no way would I have ever tried to find him.
I friend requested him, he accepted and we've messaged a few times. We always got on just not as a couple.
Neither of us wants anything from the other