Ex GF friend requesting DH

[whywhywhynot]

So wise mumnetters please tell me AIBU to be a little cautious about her motives, DH thinks I am.

DH GF from many moons ago (nearly 20 years) has friend requested him, I have no issue with exes being friends on FB or anywhere else for that matter, but this has come out of the blue. They have had no contact in all these years, no mutual friends etc so why now! It wasn't a serious relationship I don't believe, but they did have sex.

I think DH should ignore/delete the request, he thinks there is no harm in accepting it.

For all you know she's friending everyone she knows to play facebook games or sell shite from pyramid schemes, nothing to do with romantic intentions. Or she might just be nosy.
In any case, i'm sure your husband can tell her to go look elsewhere if she does try it on.

^and before that we chatted on email

I say RUBBISH. She's looking to reignite the flame

Good God. That's some conclusion to jump to.

She's probably just curious to see how his life turned out.

This is why lots of people add old school friends they haven't seen for 20 or 30 years.

Just because they had a brief relationship 20 years ago, doesn't mean she's looking to ignite anything.

OP, I'd be fine with this. I trust my DH to deal with women who cross a line and try to flirt with him, just as he trusts me.

Weird that he even ran this past you OP? I’m friends with a few of my exes and love to see how they’re getting on!

Are you quite controlling in other areas?

I would be cautious too. I get why it would make you feel weird. My DH doesn't have facebook but his ex girlfriend (the one who broke his heart) is friends with 9 of His family - his parents/cousin/aunt/sisters/cousin's ex wife etc and I find it really odd that she'd want to be friends with them all and disrespectful to me that they've all accepted the requests!

If I was your husband I’d find this quite controlling. She probably just has some nice memories of their time together and wondered how he’s getting on.

Even if she is interested in more, what’s the worst that can happen? He deletes her. If you don’t trust him to ‘resist her advances’, you have a bigger problem.

I genuinely don't understand your concern. He is married to you. All sorts of distant acquaintances pop on fb for me and i'm sure everyone else. In your DH's situation I would be interested and intrigued to hear from ex and would definitely reply. I wouldn't run it past my DH for permission , I don't know why he did.

The same thing happened to me almost a year ago. It almost ruined my marriage. In my case it was lying and deceit that I didn’t like. Until that day I trusted him without question. The fact he didn’t tell me they were in touch again for 10 days till I asked who he was messaging. The fact they were messaging each other late at night/early morning while I was asleep, so I wouldn’t know what was going on.
He was going to let me read the messages one time after about 2 weeks but he took his phone back off me when he saw how pissed off I was scrolling back through them. The were all really long messages including loads of emojis mostly winky ones, and always kisses at the end. Which I thought was a bit inappropriate for ‘just a friend’ chat.

When I asked him to stop he wouldn’t as he didn’t want to upset her but was happy to carry on upsetting me every time he messaged her. But who am I, only his wife. Who he has been with for 19 years. Had 2 children with. She was more important, an ex from 20 years ago who he went out with for about a year. Who almost made him fail his uni degree with her shit she put him through.

He eventually told her he was going to stop the messages and the one she sent back she said her husband had the same feelings as me that there was more to the messages then they let on. They both just didn’t care.

I’m still paranoid now that they will find another way to contact each other. And it still pisses me off now that he didn’t care enough to tell her to stop sooner. My self esteem is now rock bottom. I don’t feel like I’m worth anything, not even to my children. Sometimes I feel like they would all be better off without me.

But that’s just my opinion.

Warpdrive how on earth is it 'disrespectful' in any way to you?

People aren't robots. They don't switch off their feelings when someone in the family splits up with someone else.

That's be a shit way to treat people if they did.

It wouldn't bother me - people get in touch for all sort of reasons, mostly plain old curiosity 'Oh, I wonder how thingy is doing'.

No control everyone, he had logged into FB on my phone so I saw the request come up and just asked him who she was in general conversation, told DH I thought it was a bit odd but nothing more which he doesn't agree so I then took it to MN to see what you all think.

I believe he has now accepted the request, so we'll see whether it's a friendly catch up or something more

I say RUBBISH. She's looking to reignite the flame

What a weird conclusion to jump to.

I've had people randomly reconnect with me for no better reason than they were having a snoop to see what had happened to old friends/partners.

Its and invite to connect on FB, not a dirty weekend in Skegness.

I'm with DH on this one. If it did turn out she was interested, that's the point where he says no thank you, happily married etc, then delete.

NC for this. If only it was that simple. Same scenario, ex from 20 years ago, friend request and my husband not au fait with FB accepted. It turned into an absolute nightmare for us when she wanted to resurrect their relationship and he said no. Full on stalking campaign and police had to be involved. It was a horrible time for us, very frightening.

Him saying there’s no harm - Well there is harm, in that you’ve told him you’re not 100% comfortable with it and he’s done it anyway!

I find it really odd that [ex] want to be friends with [his family] and disrespectful to me that they've all accepted the requests!

DM and I are still in touch with a sibling's ex more than 20 yrs after they split. We liked her and were fond of her - why on earth would we cut her off becuase their relationship didn't work out?

It's not strange or unusual but you're right to be cautious. In my experience when I've accepted an ex (sometimes even an old uni friend) a message comes through 'hey how are you, what are you up to these days' I reply saying whatever and you have a little chat about the old days, and we should meet for coffee, which you might think is lovely but seems to be code for 'let's start a torrid affair', accept the coffee invite and you'll get them talking about how great the sex was and what would it be like to do it now followed by a 'haha' in case you object which obviously you do then you have to block them...

But it's his Facebook and there's damn all you can do except let it happen and hope she's better intentioned than my exes!

I’ve done this with an old boyfriend when he’s popped up on people you may know. I’m happily married.

Had a nose saw what’s a james was upto now and thought gosh I’m very glad I didn’t end up with him I don’t fancy the rotund balding man he has become one bit!!!

It's a very strange thing Facebook, I experienced an abusive ex from 20 years ago friend requesting my Bestfriend, who he must of met all of twice. .I then had to put up with my friend providing me with daily updates on his life and their text chats, she then took it further and got him a job at her works.He commented on all her posts, liked anything she posted, unless it was a photo of me.Things come to ahead, when he apparently said something unsavoury about me and she laughed as she was telling me, cue a huge fallout.We're only just getting our friendship back on track after not speaking for six months, he's still on her Facebook and at her works, but she doesn't mention him to me.I hadn't thought of him and his shitty behaviour for years until he popped up and caused mayhem.

Bloody hell - I am friends with a few of my ex's on Facebook - none of us want each other in our lives but it's nice to see how they are getting on

Nononever that's an awful experience but it's hardly common.

A random ex from my past popped up on one of the FB threads I was on a while back. I friend requested him. He accepted. It's been great finding out what he's up to these days. I'm not a threat to his partner and he's no threat to my dh. Just two old friend catching up.

She might simply be trying to reconnect with old friends (plural) and he was one of several. When people have gone through major life events or returned to an area it's happened to me. Don't read more into it. Accept the request, can always unfriend

But it's his Facebook and there's damn all you can do except let it happen and hope she's better intentioned than my exes!

Her intentions are irrelevant just as they were for you. You blocked yours if they were looking to rekindle more than just a friendly connection, no reason why the DH wouldn't do the same.

Nononever that's an awful experience but it's hardly common.

I know and I meant to write that but my husband had just put dinner out! However it made me (and husband) very wary as it ended very badly, it was a very traumatic time for us. We both got rid of FB after that.

On the other hand I get on grand with his ex-wife! We both do.

I don't think my husband is in need of a bodyguard to fend off predatory women, he can do that himself. I'd find it really disrespectful if he felt that I wasn't able to keep my marriage vows without him policing my Facebook friends so I afford him the courtesy of not doing it to him.