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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL tells me DHs “secret” what should I do?

79 replies

somewhatavoidant · 11/05/2019 08:26

My DH has bipolar and has been in an elevated state since early March. It has been a difficult time although he has seemed calmer in the last week and I’ve started to relax thinking the hypomanic episode was over. We are visiting MIL with our 8yr old DS. Yesterday she said that DH had told her he stopped taking his medication 2 months ago. This would explain the recent episode. She has begged me not to tell him she told me. I’m trying to think of a way around it as I don’t want to cause trouble between them. However, deciding to stop taking his meds (and obviously he is free to make that decision) is a huge thing that should have been discussed between us as his MH issues affect our family deeply. AIBU to betray MiLs trust?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 11/05/2019 08:27

YANBU.

Loopytiles · 11/05/2019 08:28

Your H shouldn’t have put his mum in that position, so he would be U to be angry with her for telling you.

DonkeyHohtay · 11/05/2019 08:30

MIL absolutely did the right thing in telling you. In fact, shouldn't she have told you 2 months ago?

If you don't feel able to tackle it with DH directly, could you speak to his mother again and ask her to speak to him about it? Or call the GP to tell them, and ask them to get in touch?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/05/2019 08:30

Can you bring up reasons why he became ill again and just ask him if he was still taking his medication or was it something else? Then you ask the question without breaking her trust and you can also discuss that if he ever wanted to stop taking it then please could he talk to you about it

AnyFucker · 11/05/2019 08:31

Can't you try and find a way to ask him directly without dropping your MIL in it ?

She trusted you and is trying to help

Justbreathing · 11/05/2019 08:32

I would ask him outright and if he says no, say you don’t believe him because he wouldn’t have had hypomanic episode if he was still taking the meds. I mean it’s pretty obvious when someone comes off them.

Don’t say MIL told you

Teateaandmoretea · 11/05/2019 08:34

MIL absolutely did the right thing in telling you. In fact, shouldn't she have told you 2 months ago?

She didn't know 2 months ago he told her he had stopped 2 months ago.

Bipolar is serious so yanbu you have a child and his safety to think about.

Singlenotsingle · 11/05/2019 08:34

Tell hi.m you're concerned that he's been hyper for too long now and he needs to go and see the GP. You don't have to tell him you know what's happened.

Dieu · 11/05/2019 08:36

Poor you. Life has been difficult for the past couple of months, because he came off his meds and didn't bother telling you.
So as not to land MIL in it, I would suggest to him that he make an appointment with his GP, because the meds aren't working as they should. And offer to go with him.
Or happen to 'come across' his meds and ask outright why he hasn't been taking them.
Goes without saying that YANBU Thanks

Reallyevilmuffin · 11/05/2019 08:37

My partner is bipolar. It is a huge toll on a carers mental health to keep theirs in check. She regularly does not take medications although it is mainly due to forgetfulness over active not wanting. Do you have a good relationship with the cpn?

Zilla1 · 11/05/2019 08:40

Sorry to hear this. If you want suggestions short of straightforward confrontation then -

  1. Tell him he obviously needs his medication or dosage reviewing as his behaviour has changed so he/you make an appointment for his GP.
    If he is going to attend, call the GP and tell them he's stopped taking his medication for a couple of months and has;t told you and is in an uncontrolled up/manic phase. The GP probably will take it on board even if they don't acknowledge it due to confidentiality.

  2. If you have access to his medication, subtle mark his pill pack then a few days later, ask him to show you his pills. When he does, ask him when he last took it. If he lies, tell him you know as he's not opened the pill strip he told you he'd been using. This will probably give rise to a side argument and won't work for everyone, especially in an up/manic phase.

Both of these have risks but presumably letting your DP say unmedicated does too.

Good luck.

Zilla1 · 11/05/2019 08:41

GP or CPN. Have just seen what I posted is basically what Dieu already suggested.

MegaClutterSlut · 11/05/2019 08:50

I wouldn't betray her trust because if anything like this happens again, your dh may not tell mil or your mil may not tell you and personally I think it was a great thing that she trusted you enough to tell you

I would advise dh that since his medication clearly isn't working he needs to go back to the doctors...

Original poster
somewhatavoidant · 11/05/2019 08:52

Thanks for replies & reassurances. We were st the psyc doctor a couple of weeks ago. DH lies to him too saying he was taking x amount per day. We are meant to go back to him next week so that’s one route. I notice that he did not bring any meds at all with him. I asked him before we left did he have them & he said yes. I’m going to ask him if he has left them at home by mistake & see what he says. I think I can avoid dropping MIL in it that way. He’s on a lot of meds for various conditions so if he has stopped taking everything he could be in big trouble. It’s the first nice time we’ve had together as a family in awhile. Such a pity if it’s spoiled now😢😢😢

OP posts:
YetAnotherThing · 11/05/2019 08:56

Poor you. The psychiatrists are probably suspicious he’s non-compliant so won’t be a big shock. Agree with what Dieu said.

Ihatehashtags · 11/05/2019 09:00

Actually he shouldn’t be “free to make that decision “ why do people think it’s okay to let bipolar people suffer because by not insisting on medication? By not insisting he take medication you are ensuring he can’t lead a normal life. Baffles me why people have this belief. I think it is abuse to not medicate people.

MrsElizabethShelby · 11/05/2019 09:00

OP you need to call him out on it. He can't do this to you.
My DH has chronic depression which is currently well managed with medication. However I drew my line in the sand a long time ago in that if he were to neglect looking after himself and putting our family first he would lose his family as I have to put the children first.

Harsh maybe but I believe that he does not have the right to take over all our lives in that way.

blackcatclocks · 11/05/2019 09:02

I'd be asking him, it's a selfish decision to make without considering the wider people affected.

KittyMarrion · 11/05/2019 09:12

Is he collecting his prescriptions?

I would tell him you think he's stopped taking them and that's the cause of his Elated mood. Validate is unwillingness to take meds/want to see if he can manage without them, if his reasons are valid (in my experience they often are but psychiatrists often aren't interested). Ask his care team about meds oversights or could you facilitate that?

Cottonwoolmouth · 11/05/2019 09:18

I’d actually be really annoyed with him. My mother did this frequently through out my childhood. The impact of it on our family was huge. It’s incredibly selfish and shows they are still mentally unwell if they hide the fact they have stopped. I don’t envy you op and it’s a horrible place to be in. I really don’t think I could live with some one with mental health problems after what my mother put us through.

You wouldn’t stop taking your medication if you were a diabetic and had a good run for a few months.

I’d be completely direct with him and his doctor. You don’t have to drop his mother in it but I’d reinforce that you know every time he tries to deny it. Can you find his tablets and count them?

IAmTheChosenOne · 11/05/2019 09:21

Ask him straight out if he has stopped or there is any change as there is change in his behaviour. Or ask to see his medication because you want to check the pharmacist has dispensed the correct dose.

Nomorepies · 11/05/2019 09:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

kateandme · 11/05/2019 09:28

i assume youve lived with this and him for a while?so for me the way to come across it would you have seen his behaviour and know this comes from either being on the wrong level of meds or hes off them.i would deff see it in my sister within hours of them not being in her system.
and as a family member and a supporter you sometimes jointly responsible for keeping him(eacohter ) in check.
you talk to someone if say they were a stroke victim coming ff their heart meds.this is for his wellbeing and life.
so of course be as gentle as you can.dont go in judging or angry or anything.just as someone who loves him and wants to help and make sure he can live the way he deserves/

SoyDora · 11/05/2019 09:31

By not insisting he take medication you are ensuring he can’t lead a normal life

Surely he is ensuring he can’t lead a normal life by refusing to take his medication?
No one can insist that anyone takes anything, if they are deemed competent to make that decision for themselves.

LizzieSiddal · 11/05/2019 09:32

I think I’d just come out and say “X, Y, Z has happened and that only happens when you aren’t on medication. What’s going on?”

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