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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL tells me DHs “secret” what should I do?

79 replies

somewhatavoidant · 11/05/2019 08:26

My DH has bipolar and has been in an elevated state since early March. It has been a difficult time although he has seemed calmer in the last week and I’ve started to relax thinking the hypomanic episode was over. We are visiting MIL with our 8yr old DS. Yesterday she said that DH had told her he stopped taking his medication 2 months ago. This would explain the recent episode. She has begged me not to tell him she told me. I’m trying to think of a way around it as I don’t want to cause trouble between them. However, deciding to stop taking his meds (and obviously he is free to make that decision) is a huge thing that should have been discussed between us as his MH issues affect our family deeply. AIBU to betray MiLs trust?

OP posts:
LincolnshireYellowBelly · 11/05/2019 09:33

In my opinion, if he told his mum, he really wants you to find out. He may not realise it at the moment. Loads of love to you all.

IrishGal21 · 11/05/2019 09:36

I have a relative who has been biploar for over 20 years and had been hospitalised several times...lithium the lot.....last year thought he could stop his meds and it actually made him worse and his wife had to see a cousellor as it affected her so badly. He needs to be back on them and yes have a serious talk about how you are not superwoman and he needs to be on them so he can function and help you out. xx

Bisset · 11/05/2019 09:37

Actually he shouldn’t be “free to make that decision “ why do people think it’s okay to let bipolar people suffer because by not insisting on medication? By not insisting he take medication you are ensuring he can’t lead a normal life. Baffles me why people have this belief. I think it is abuse to not medicate people.

Fucking hell... how is it the OPs fault? What utter ‘victim’ blaming crap.

IrishGal21 · 11/05/2019 09:38

Said relative thought he felt better OFF the meds and could function as normally as possible....not the case with bipolar.

Ihatesundays · 11/05/2019 09:42

My friends husband was doing this and had a massive manic episode. You need to get this sorted, it’s not safe, he is on the medication for a reason.

Bisset · 11/05/2019 09:45

My friends husband was doing this and had a massive manic episode. You need to get this sorted, it’s not safe, he is on the medication for a reason.

Again with putting the responsibility to get this sorted on the OP.

She lives with this. She knows what can happen next. She knows it needs to be sorted. She doesn’t need people implying she’s not doing her ‘job’ right on top of that.

Lilymossflower · 11/05/2019 09:50

He is free to stop taking those certain meds if he so chooses... However with a family to think about, he is not free to be completely unmedicated if it causes his behaviour to effect the whole family in a bad way. He also certainly is not free to lie to every one !!

If he dousnt want to take those certain meds anymore for whatever reasons then he needs to take an another kind of med. And he needs to be honest with his family and his Dr about everything and deal with it in a grown up manner.
Otherwise he is being selfish and inconsiderate

youarenotkiddingme · 11/05/2019 09:52

Tough one.

Firstly it's great your MIL has enough respect for you to tell you as well as loving her son enough.

If you can stop him knowing she informed you it may stop him deflecting from the real issue by being angry at her.

The real issue is his decision to stop medicating. By asking him where the meds are he's bought with him that's a good way to start conversation.

JaneEyre07 · 11/05/2019 09:52

Can you and MIL sit down together with him and talk it through?

Why isn't he taking them... is it side effects or does he feel he doesn't need them now? Either way he's risking his own mental health and putting you through hell at the same time.

It can't go on.

Ihatesundays · 11/05/2019 09:52

It can also be that getting it sorted might leaving I should say @bisset

LonelyTiredandLow · 11/05/2019 09:59

Does your DH not have his bloods done?
I'd have a chat with him and explain you have noticed he has been manic for a longer period than usual and you think there may be a problem with his meds. Insist that he gets his bloods done or see his CPN. He needs to respect your opinion on this.

CherryPavlova · 11/05/2019 10:00

Honesty is best policy generally but he doesn’t sound well enough to manage honesty.
Can you not look at his packet and tell whether he’s taken his drugs? I sometimes check my husband’s tablet package as he rushes around and completely forgets. I’m honest about doing that.

ReganSomerset · 11/05/2019 10:07

I'd go down the, 'This episode has lasted too long, I don't believe you're taking your meds- where are they?' route. YANBU

forestafantastica · 11/05/2019 10:09

I have bipolar. My DH would lose his shit if I stopped taking meds and might well divorce me over it. It's the fundamental rule of our relationship - I take my meds and try and stay well and in return he supports me through the stuff I can't control.

At the very least tell his CPN who should read him the riot act but you're entitled to have a go at him. What is he thinking? This doesn't just impact on you, it impacts on your family and children as well and they don't deserve this.

I'm not often this stern but in this case I'm really cross with him on your behalf OP.

bridgetreilly · 11/05/2019 10:10

Actually he shouldn’t be “free to make that decision “ why do people think it’s okay to let bipolar people suffer because by not insisting on medication? By not insisting he take medication you are ensuring he can’t lead a normal life. Baffles me why people have this belief. I think it is abuse to not medicate people.

No, it is abuse to forcibly medicate people against their will. He may have bipolar, but he is still a person and has the right to make his own choices about his own life.

INeedAFlerken · 11/05/2019 10:11

I would be very frank: you've long suspected he's not taking his meds due to his recent moods and behaviour, and you want him to take a blood test to confirm whether he is or isn't taking his medication. Because you believe he has lied to his doctor. And to you.

No, he doesn't have to take him. He is free to make that choice. But you are free to choose to not to remain in a home and relationship with someone who refuses to help themselves by keeping up their medication so you and your children can be safe in your own home.

cantfindname · 11/05/2019 10:18

What is it about MH and a refusal to take meds on a regular basis? I hear this so often.. people are fine and happy on their meds and they arbitrarily decide to stop them. Why? These are intelligent people who seemingly understand that their well-being is dependent on those meds and yet they will do it time and again.

As a PP upthread says, a diabetic or similar doesn't generally do this, and yet it seems to be a constant theme with MH.

TheSilveryPussycat · 11/05/2019 10:30

Has he been getting his repeat prescription? The GP's computer record should have this info. I know because I was once a bit flakey getting and taking my meds, and the GP had (gentle) words with me.

Bumper1969 · 11/05/2019 10:30

Look after yourself first. Coming g off his meds may be his choice but it is a highly irresponsible decision as it is his family who have bear the burden. I've been through this with a family member fir decades. I just washed my hands of him in the end IF he came off meds. The last time frightened him so much ( police, isolation wards, fires, prosecution s etc) that he has kept religiously to his meds. Your MIL was right to tell you and you have every right to confront him. Anyone who has dealings with people with severe mental problems will know this. Personally I think people should be forced to take medication OR have no reliance on family. You must put yourself and child first.

timeisnotaline · 11/05/2019 10:32

I’m with ineedaflerken. He cannot put this on you and your family.

Honeyroar · 11/05/2019 10:38

I wonder what MIL said to him when he told her he'd stopped? It's a common problem in bipolar sufferers, it seems. My friend's husband does it regularly and causes her many sleepless nights of worry and stress because of it.

HollowTalk · 11/05/2019 10:38

@cantfindname, my ex husband suffered from depression and needed medication. It made him feel better and he would then think he was better and would stop taking his meds. He didn't want to think of himself as someone suffering from MH problems so the minute he felt OK again, he'd stop. Of course I could tell within a week.

U2HasTheEdge · 11/05/2019 10:39

OP with my husband I made it very clear that if he ever becomes non-compliant with meds or ever smokes cannabis (will lead to psychosis with him without a doubt) then our marriage would be in massive danger. I happily support him through everything, but if he is going to make himself worse then I won't stick around for that for too long.

I think you just need to tell him that you know he isn't taking his medication or it isn't working by how he is behaving. You don't need proof, you know him well enough to know when he has either stopped taking them or he needs a meds review.

I wouldn't pussy foot around it. Get straight to the point.

Actually he shouldn’t be “free to make that decision “ why do people think it’s okay to let bipolar people suffer because by not insisting on medication? By not insisting he take medication you are ensuring he can’t lead a normal life. Baffles me why people have this belief. I think it is abuse to not medicate people.

Bloody hell! Whilst he has capacity he has every right not to take his medication. That might lead to the end of his marriage and/ or detainment, but while he has capacity you can't insist someone takes medication.

clairemcnam · 11/05/2019 10:42

Yes I would. Coming off your medication if you are bipolar is dangerous. I would call his GP for advice. Good luck.

clairemcnam · 11/05/2019 10:44

I am assuming he has the kind of bipolar where you have psychosis?