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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not let dd go on the holiday?

53 replies

Quentinolive · 11/05/2019 07:22

Hi, NC for this as it's outing and the situation is already anxiety inducing enough. I'll also try to keep it short but not drip feed!

Basically my ex has said he wants to take our dd on holiday to the Philippines for a family party. My issue with this is dd is 7 and currently in the middle of an autism diagnosis, and seeing CAHMS to help with anxiety. She has massive food issues, only a very small amount of food is " safe " for her and if she can't have it, she would rather starve. She also has anxiety around using any toilet other than one at home, she has previously soiled herself and the floor if she can't access this one bathroom. Or she " holds on " for literally days. Ex dp has contact for one night EOW and after school for a few hours EOW- this is how much he wants to see her. Because he isn't with her as often he doesn't see her behaviour as serious as I do, even though the school, the GP, CAHMS and Peds all agree she is very very likely to be on the spectrum he doesn't think there's any problem! She's fine when she's with him apparently.

He has now said he wants to take dd to a family members party in the Philippines. She would be there for a week, and they would be staying in someone's home with various members of his family there.
Aibu to say no I don't think she will be able to cope with the travel, the distance, the unfamiliarity of it and of course the anxiety of the food and toilet issues?

He is of course now guilting me into saying yes by pointing out how all the other kids in the family are going and he doesn't want dd to feel left out. So as not to drip feed, we split up when I was pregnant, he was mentally, financially and sexually abusive to me. I've done the freedom programme ( twice ) but I still really struggle with him gas lighting me so Iam genuinely unsure if maybe I should just let her go? I just want her to be happy...

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 11/05/2019 07:28

On what you have said I would say no it isn't fair for your Dd to be away from you and her routine for so long.

Mrsjayy · 11/05/2019 07:30

He sounds an exhausting man your Dd will have no clue what she is missing out on he is being ridiculous.

Booboostwo · 11/05/2019 07:33

Given the circumstances I would say definitely no. Does DD want to go? If DD is really really keen to go I might be tempted to let her, but given what you say about her anxiety I assume she does not want to go.

Sirzy · 11/05/2019 07:33

I wouldn’t allow that.

I have a 9 year old who is autistic with the same sort of issues as you describe and I wouldn’t take him to an event like that even with me going from what you have said.

Holidays take a lot of planning to be able to cater for him

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/05/2019 07:41

I would say you trust your gut instincts OP...If your daughter wants to go could she increase the time she spent with her dad before the trip? Hopefully with him getting to know her anxieties better to be prepared to handle the issues she faces more effectively? If you really do not see it working in your daughters best interests then of course you are right to say no..you have very valid reasons for saying that...its difficult and I dont envy your position....Maybe dad could do a few weekends away that might be helpful in reassuring you that he can manage your daughter as you would wish him to as the contact he has now is so limited he cannot possibly have any inkling on how your daughters needs are affecting her and what he needs to do to understand her conditions...Would you be happy for her to go in the knowledge that she is safe happy and well looked after? If not then she cannot go really.He can guilt trip you all he likes you dont need to respond...You have your daughters best interests at heart and he will just have to accept that...Another solution could be to invite him to a camms meeting so he too can hear from proffessionals how your daughter is and maybe take their advice ....If anything you are so not being unreasonable so please do not doubt yourself...If he wants your daughter to go and your daughter wants to go then he has to convince you he is capeable of keeping your daughter safe and secure as you do....the onus is on him really as to how important it would be and if indeed it would benefit him or his daughter....My daughter is 7 and I am not sure I would want her to go either but if she had a brilliant relationship with her dad and he looked after he as much as I did then I couldnt really object but its different with your daughter as she has really specific issues that need to be handled in a caring loving way...hand on heart could he really do that? If he could then thats brilliant but if he has no idea and doesnt want to know then she has to stay with you I think....

Cottonwoolmouth · 11/05/2019 07:43

Not a chance

LittleSwede · 11/05/2019 07:45

Another parent of ASD child here, I definitely wouldn't want to my DD on a trip like that, even if I was going too.

The food and toileting issues could potentially lead to the urgent need to seek medical care and although I don't know much about heath care in the Philippines I would imagine this could be a problem. DD developed a nasty UTI last year when suffering with feacal impaction and I would not have wanted to deal with that anywhere but in the safety of our home. We had to visit Out of Hours twice in a week to get the right antibiotics and again, wouldn't want to deal with that abroad.

With the history of abusive it's likely that he is being manipulative about this and making you question yourself.

dalmatianmad · 11/05/2019 07:45

How does he manage your dd when he has her? I assume she uses his toilet and eats at his house ok?

Namelessinseattle · 11/05/2019 07:57

I know nothing about this but I’d imagine if she’s not with him a full24 hours then she can probably get by with holding or if she doesn’t eat she’s unlikely to pass out. 7 days is another story.

I’d suggest a weekend away at home first, that way you’re close enough for if it goes wrong. It’s unlikely he’ll manage that.

NannyRed · 11/05/2019 07:59

I just want her to be happy...

And by the sounds of it, your dd will be miserable if her father takes her away. Strange food, a different toilet, changes to all her regular routines etc.
Do what’s best for her, not her dad. I’d not let my child go in those circumstances, but you know her and her father best. Could he cope? Would he cope?

Original poster

Quentinolive · 11/05/2019 08:13

Thank you all for your replies, I'm not sure how to tag usernames but to answer a few questions - I do think part of the problem is that he doesn't see her enough to notice anything amiss, she's very good at masking or just shutting down totally which he says is her sulking if he saw her more then a weeks holiday wouldn't seem so long but he hasn't had her overnight for more than two nights her whole life. Being there only one night means she just avoids going to the toilet there ( either holding it, or soiling herself, which he hasn't noticed ) and he claims her food anxiety is just fussy eating. In my head I know that she would seriously struggle if she went away and would spend alot of her time feeling uncomfortable and scared, we went an hour away on the train in the Easter holidays and she was petrified by the number of people all squashed up in the carriage - I seriously doubt she would cope in a similar sitution without me

OP posts:

cdtaylornats · 11/05/2019 08:16

Get ready for problems in 8 or 9 years when he is showing her photos/films of this great time everyone had - "but it's a shame you mother wouldn't let you come".

Mrsjayy · 11/05/2019 08:17

You are right you know her better than anybody and if she did go she might have well meaning relatives fussing round her trying to feed her poor kid would be frightened. Stop doubting yourself say no.

Smokesandeats · 11/05/2019 08:28

How can he not notice that his DD soils herself? You should send him the clothes each and every time she does it!

Don’t send her on this holiday. Keep saying no it isn’t in DDs best interests and stick to it. If he takes you to court (unlikely) you will have the medical evidence to back you up. Even if DD didn’t have suspected ASD a court would recommend that she spent far more time with her father in this country before a holiday abroad was considered.

skybluee · 11/05/2019 08:55

I think he should have her for a weekend to see how that goes.

If he's never had her overnight for more than two nights ever that's sad, he's her dad. Sounds like you've done an amazing job with her and he needs to do more.

Aside from anything else I'd suggest him having her for a weekend.

CaMePlaitPas · 11/05/2019 08:57

Not a snowflake's chance in hell.

DavidBowiesBulge · 11/05/2019 09:01

Could your DD spend a week with him at his home as a trial?

BenjiB · 11/05/2019 09:02

No, absolutely not. I have an autistic son and something like that could set him back months.

I would say that he could have her for a week here in the uk first and see how that goes. He’ll probably change his mind. My son is 20 and I wouldn’t attempt to even put him on a plane ever!

Singleandproud · 11/05/2019 09:05

If she doesn’t already have one get her a passport ASAP and keep it safe so he cant apply for one instead.

It doesn’t sound like it would be in her best interest to go.

NeverSayFreelance · 11/05/2019 09:08

If she won't go to the bathroom anywhere else, then she definitely cannot go on holiday for a week. That's the bottom line, really.

TapasForTwo · 11/05/2019 09:15

It's out of the question that she should go. How can he guilt trip you into making her go when you know that she will be distressed and unhappy if she goes?
How would she cope with the plane journey?

The fact that he doesn''t notice if she soils herself us another reason not to let her go.

Single's idea about getting a passport might be a good idea.

timeisnotaline · 11/05/2019 09:18

Tell him to stop asking , he doesn’t even notice if she soils herself! Isn’t that neglect and you should report him? Rather than consider allowing a week away? It really sounds like an over my cold dead body scenario.

nrpmum · 11/05/2019 09:22

My DSS is 6. He has autism and ADHD. He is very much like your daughter. We only have him eow but I know damn well that if things are out of his routine in any way that it will set him back hugely.

You are well within your rights to say no, and if DD ever queries it in the future she will understand you did it for her benefit. Don't allow your ex to emotionally blackmail you.

junebirthdaygirl · 11/05/2019 09:24

I'm all for DC having time with their dads but in this case No! This is too much for her. Any 7 year old would find being away from her main carer for a week in a strange place difficult but your dd is especially not ready for this. Find one sentence to say like..I'm sorry but that would be too much for Lucy and keep saying it. You are doing nothing wrong as there are so many possible nightmare scenarios there for your dd you would be irresponsible to allow her go.

floraloctopus · 11/05/2019 09:26

I would be inclined to say no as well but why not ask her CAMHS person for their view, that way when you say no you are doing it with the backup of a professional which might appease her father somewhat and make it easier for you to say no.

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