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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not let dd go on the holiday?

53 replies

Quentinolive · 11/05/2019 07:22

Hi, NC for this as it's outing and the situation is already anxiety inducing enough. I'll also try to keep it short but not drip feed!

Basically my ex has said he wants to take our dd on holiday to the Philippines for a family party. My issue with this is dd is 7 and currently in the middle of an autism diagnosis, and seeing CAHMS to help with anxiety. She has massive food issues, only a very small amount of food is " safe " for her and if she can't have it, she would rather starve. She also has anxiety around using any toilet other than one at home, she has previously soiled herself and the floor if she can't access this one bathroom. Or she " holds on " for literally days. Ex dp has contact for one night EOW and after school for a few hours EOW- this is how much he wants to see her. Because he isn't with her as often he doesn't see her behaviour as serious as I do, even though the school, the GP, CAHMS and Peds all agree she is very very likely to be on the spectrum he doesn't think there's any problem! She's fine when she's with him apparently.

He has now said he wants to take dd to a family members party in the Philippines. She would be there for a week, and they would be staying in someone's home with various members of his family there.
Aibu to say no I don't think she will be able to cope with the travel, the distance, the unfamiliarity of it and of course the anxiety of the food and toilet issues?

He is of course now guilting me into saying yes by pointing out how all the other kids in the family are going and he doesn't want dd to feel left out. So as not to drip feed, we split up when I was pregnant, he was mentally, financially and sexually abusive to me. I've done the freedom programme ( twice ) but I still really struggle with him gas lighting me so Iam genuinely unsure if maybe I should just let her go? I just want her to be happy...

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 11/05/2019 09:26

No bloody way!

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2019 09:26

I'm assuming there's no court order in place?

Say No.

Twillow · 11/05/2019 09:27

Given the information here, I would say no - BUT I'd also give her a choice.

BollocksToBrexit · 11/05/2019 09:29

As a parent to 2 wonderful autistic children I can honestly say that hell would freeze over before I'd let them go on that holiday.

Lovemusic33 · 11/05/2019 09:33

I would say no too. Mum of 2 dd’s With ASD here and their father only sees them once a week (and struggles), no way would I let them go. Would she even want to go anyway? I know my dd’s Wouldn’t.

Tell him that he needs to prove he can take care of her for more than one night before you would even consider him taking her away for a week.

Stiffasaboard · 11/05/2019 09:33

I would no way allow this
In fact your DD could be seriously traumatised given her issues

Chamomileteaplease · 11/05/2019 09:36

So much to say about this! But I shall pick two things. Firstly from what you have said it sounds like it would be an extremely traumatising experience for your daughter. Do not believe your ex that she would be missing out. She would miss out on nothing!

Secondly, I think the main thing is your ex's inability to even realise that your daughter has these issues. Therefore it is impossible for him to look after her properly. Even in England, let alone a week in a very foreign land.

Please do not let him take her.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 11/05/2019 09:39

I don’t have any children with problems and no way on earth would I allow this, I can even begin to imagine how distressing the whole thing would be for your daughter.

IdblowJonSnow · 11/05/2019 09:39

Definitely not.
As he's abusive I would ordinary contact to be as minimal as possible, never mind him taking her to the other side of the world for a week. That's without any of the other issues you mentioned.

WellThisIsShit · 11/05/2019 09:40

“I assume she uses his toilet and eats at his house ok?”

You see, it’s these kind of assumptions that the father will be making too. It’s amazimg how unnoticing people can be when their nearest & dearest have illnesses that make their daily lives a huge struggle. What’s that phrase? There’s none so blind as them that willst not see?!

It’s possible to mask even very extreme difficulties for a night, or just a few hours at a time, especially when the others involved actively want to join in the fabrication.

I say this as someone who became very ill a few years ago, and substantially disabled. I could ‘pass as nornal’ for an hour or two though, on morphine and at great personal cost to self. It was amazing how many people decided there was nothing wrong with me because of this. Even when they were fully informed of the situation and even saw all the doctors letters and prognosis etc.

People can be shitty about illness and being different. It sounds like this man already has form for behaving badly towards you, and ignoring his daughters needs, so I can’t see why he would suddenly behave so out of character as to suddenly recognise his daughters needs and help her when she’s in a situation which will cause her great distress.

Flowers
Drogosnextwife · 11/05/2019 09:40

Definitely not, it will be too stressful for your DD.

Clockwatchers · 11/05/2019 09:47

Does he have parental rights?

RandomMess · 11/05/2019 09:51

Absolutely no way because she would be miserable and he wouldn't prioritise her and I don't think he would know how to cope and as he was abusive to you I would fear about his treatment of DD.

I would put in writing the reasons why it's not appropriate for her to go.

DD is awaiting an ASD diagnosis, the way her ASD impacts on her is as follows:

When overwhelmed she shuts down (you seem to believe this is sulking it is not)
She will only toilet at x and will soil herself rather than use an alternative.
She has huge sensory issues around food (this is not typical child fussiness as you believe) she would rather starve than eat her limited range
DD thrives on routine and familiarity, any holiday would stress her.

And so on... as much specific reference to specialist appointments, school support got diagnosis etc.

Put it in writing in case he ever takes you to court and then whenever he tries to mention it "see the letter I emailed/sent on X"

Go grey rock Wink

skybluee · 11/05/2019 10:06

WellThisisShit thank you for writing that. I'm sorry to go off topic, but it is SO true how if you can pass as normal for a few hours, usually at a massive personal cost like you say, people think you're fine and that's how you normally are. They don't see the days spent confined to one room, anguish, pain, any of it. It is shit.

It's easier to think someone is OK than to face the reality. But it does no one any favours.

Original poster
Quentinolive · 11/05/2019 10:50

Again thankyou all for replying, when you've had years of someone telling you that your crazy, selfish and unreasonable it's difficult to see things logically sometimes...but I will always put dd first, no matter how difficult I find standing up to him. I have emailed him to say I think dd is going to struggle being so far away for a week and why, just waiting nervously on his reply now. To answer a few more questions, no he doesn't have parental responsibility, he isn't on her birth certificate but is wanting to change that now. I have started applying for a passport for her, and I know that he would need a letter from me if he wanted to take her abroad apparently? I think I'm going to suggest to him that he sees her more, perhaps taking her away for a few days in the holidays and build up to a bigger holiday at her own pace, we shall see how well that goes down

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 11/05/2019 10:55

If he isn't named on the BC and you are not married then yes he would need your written permission to take her out of the country. Do you have a solicitor who made the arrangement for EOW ?

onalongsabbatical · 11/05/2019 10:56

he was mentally, financially and sexually abusive to me Why are you even encouraging him to have a relationship with your child? And you say he's not on the BC but wants to change that now? No, no, and then again NO.

Honeyroar · 11/05/2019 11:03

If he's still insistent I would ask (in email or a letter) him to spend a few full weekends with her (fri-mon) and attend CAHMs meetings until he really understands the situation. If he can't put the effort into doing that it a definite no (but you've proof that you weren't saying no to be awkward and tried to involve him).

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2019 13:23

I know everyone says children should have a relationship with their 'other' parent, but this one is really no prize and isn't treating her as she should be (abuse? She's soiling herself because she's not comfortable and he's ignoring medical professionals)

I think you're still a bit under his influence if I'm honest, OP.

Windygate · 11/05/2019 13:30

The Philippines have not signed up the Hague Convention. Just something to consider especially as he is going to family.

Purpleartichoke · 11/05/2019 13:49

I have a 10yo dd with very similar issues. We are in the middle of a diagnosis.

I wouldn’t take her on a trip like that even with me attending as well. There are just too many issues. We do travel with her and she has great experiences, but it is well planned. We have to plan out meals and backups. The bathroom thing is the hardest because she will pretend to go and even at home she has been triggered to hold her urine for over 24 hours. I think many people don’t understand just how stubborn some kids can be.

Wingedharpy · 11/05/2019 14:07

Personally, I wouldn't be encouraging him to spend more time with her.
Why would you want an abusive man to be spending any time with your DD, let alone more time?
You know that he will tell you everything went swimmingly well on their extended time together, regardless of the reality of the situation, because this is what these types of men do - they lie to get their own way.
Don't drag this out any longer than you need to OP.
Just tell him she is not going as she will not cope with all the changes - and repeat ad infinitum.
Good luck.

TheNoodlesIncident · 11/05/2019 14:21

I agree 100% with stiffasaboard. Your dd will really be traumatised by this, without any doubt. You are doing the right thing saying No. You clearly have HER best interests at heart, whereas her dad is probably prepared to paper over any issues and ignore the root cause. No way would your dd cope for a week without you, her primary carer, plus her fears regarding toilets and food. (My ds also had toilet fears - thank you very pissing much, Disneyworld - seven years on and still not entirely over it...) Imagine what it will be like at the airport for her, on the plane long haul with a strange-toilet-phobia?! No way is this trip in her best interests, so glad you are prepared to stand in the way of this crazy idea.

(And PPs are right, he's not the best parenting model and denying her problems or not noticing them is AWFUL.)

Chamomileteaplease · 11/05/2019 15:10

I would like to echo what someone else said - why on earth would you want this man who was "mentally, financially and sexually abusive" to you???

He is not a nice person! He is not the kind of person you want to be looking after a vulnerable child! Please do not up his time with her. If anything, phase him out!

Chamomileteaplease · 11/05/2019 15:11

Sorry, was so riled I finished my sentence prematurely! - why would you want this man to be anywhere near your daughter? Especially without you there to protect her?

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