Can't trust my husband

[mumandnurse]

Hi everyone, I’m really hoping that speaking to strangers will help me out! I will keep this as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together 8 years. We have always been best friends and I have never questioned our trust right up until I was pregnant with our first. DH has done some recreational drugs occasionally on a night out when younger and we were first together. We were young, no commitments- it wasn’t for me but it didn’t hugely bother me. Fast forward a few years and nothing like that had been seen or mentioned for years, I just assumed he has grown up and it was a phase. So now I’m pregnant with our first, he goes on a night out. When he gets home I know he’s done coke from his behaviour. Next day he admits to it and says it’s a one off (i was fuming as I was pregnant!! I mean grow up your going to be a dad). The next incident I can remember is my daughter being about 4 months old, we had a bbq for DHs birthday. People kept disappearing upstairs- I’m not stupid, they were doing coke in the toilet. I was hoping DH was not one of them but I followed him upstairs and listened outside the door. He did it in the toilet next to our babies bedroom while she slept!! While I was sober to care for her.

Since then (3 years now) there has been numerous lies, me catching him out and then him crying and telling me he hates himself, I deserve better blah blah blah. The thing I struggle with the most is he is still my best friend, and an amazing dad to our girls. I do not want to break our family up but this is making me paranoid and bitter.

I already know what you guys will say but I’m asking anyway.

Thank you for reading x

I'm straight up no black and white. If he ever did that near my DC he would be out as soon as. However it's all about how you feel you will best deal with this. He maybe an amazing dad but doing coke in the toilet next to her bedroom is oh so wrong. What if it happens again and your DC is old enough to toddle and puts her hand in left over coke? I digress Haha sorry. Any way. How are you feeling about it? Do you feel if he seeks help and counselling you could forgive him? You have to decide what your non negotiables are. 100 people could come on here and say LTB but doesn't mean it's the correct choice for you. 😊. Is him doing coke a non negotiable for you? Get rid. If you feel it's something you can work through set him boundaries of if I stay with you XYZ must happen. Good luck OP

You had follow him. He has been lying to you. Is he your best friend?

My dh has been an absolute shit in this regard.

I'm a bit Meh about this tbh. Sounds like you have different thresholds around it. Whilst the law and the standard line is that this is not OK, I cant get that irked up about some recreational drug use. You want him not to. He doesnt want to stop. Have a chat about times he could make his own decisions about it and put some boundaries in around not using in the house.

But I wouldn't follow him. I'd leave him,

Premiernaps thanks for replying. I'm not going to lie, hearing someone else saying it was like a punch in the stomach. These are all things I've said to him before and like an idiot I've hoped he would change. I've even given the ultimatum that we would be over and he's lied and been caught again since. He's always struggled with depression and can be worse if he is low. I've tired everything to help him. He's been to the doctors and had antidepressants prescribed (which massively helped with his mood). He's had counselling and we even had a couples counselling session. It always gets better and then always goes back. I almost don't try and look for him lying anymore because I kind of know what that means 😢 I don't know how I can do this anymore.

Tbf using class a drugs in the house is a big deal. I think that's a bit of a shitty thing do to.

Rosemaryhoight what happened with your DH? Was it a similar situation?

Trebla pre babies I could have gotten over the occasional line on a night out but not now. He knows that and continues to do it. Even though the drugs really bother me, the lengths he has gone to to lie is even worse. I'm so stuck!

I wouldn't accept my dp doing any type of drug. Or smoking.
But doing it in my toilet?! Absolutely no way. I'd be disgusted. What if you picked up a bit on your finger? Or your baby touched the side in the bathroom? Absolutely disgusting.
He would have been out then and there. Unacceptable.
He sounds like an addict.

Drug use would be game over for me, but I never would have been with someone who I knew used drugs. You condoned it at the beginning by burying your head in the sand. Why would he stop now?

I'm so sorry OP. After your next post it looks like he is never going to change. If an ultimatum didn't work, nothing will. Perhaps it is time to get your ducks in a row and leave.

Yes very similar. Very horrible because he's lied to me. I've lost a lot of respect for him as a person. I think that we get on really well too. My children are older and I'm a bit more cynical. So my plan is what suits me best. But I have lost respect for him.

I can see that, I think it's a wider conversation to have about values, and how to approach getting your needs met in a relationship. Sounds like her has lots of stuff left over from perhaps his childhood in which he felt he had to hide stuff and doesn't know how to have a grown up conversation about reconciling differences of opinion and setting and sticking to appropriate boundaries. It's not ok to use class a drugs in a house.

With kids

Premier naps I completely get what you are saying. I just struggle with making such a final decision. From the outside looking in we are an amazing family and most days that what we are. And then every so often it happens again and we are back to square 1- it's beyond frustrating. No one else knows and I feel protective of him too. It's so odd! I have told him before I wish he had cheated on me, somehow that's more black and white to me. Ergh!

No as far as I know he never did it at home, but it was quite bad. And when I confronted him he lied. Then I looked at his phone and it all made sense. To be honest I wish I had left the lying piece of coked up shit then.

Rosemaryhoight just out of interest, why didn't you leave him?

Trebla thank you I appreciate the advice.

We did loads of coke before our DC came along. There is no way on earth either of us would do it now. Apart from it being morally wrong and a potential danger to your DC, there are other risks: he could get arrested, he could have a heart attack, he could become psychotic.

This last point is an important one for people who suffer from depression as your DH does. They are more prone to psychosis and more often than not it doesn’t go away.

For a real life example, look at Syd Barrett. He spent a weekend on Meth Amphetamine and was never the same again. He spent the rest of his life in psychosis.

I would your DH either he joins Narcotics Anonymous and attends weekly meetings for a while, or he leaves.

To be honest I would also worry about the kids growing up, how are you going to talk to them about drugs and being safe with an addict in the house (if he indeed is an addict, but form what you say he seems unable to stop, so, yes)? they will know when they are older....

does he not worry about that? maybe deep down he really feels he is doing nothing wrong? this might just show a deep incompatibility in terms of your values.

Mainly because I think he could have a premature death, what with. Tbank you for asking the question. I'm still young enough and the idea of lies and drugs is enough slon

Since then (3 years now) there has been numerous lies, me catching him out and then him crying and telling me he hates himself, I deserve better blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah indeed, because that is all he is giving you.
As you have so woundingly found out, it is impossible for you to put any weight on his word, so you now have to put all the weight on his actions.

There is no point, & no trust or happiness for you, in trusting his word. You need to tell him that very clearly.
The hard bit is going to be the follow-up: that crying, hating himself, & telling you that you deserve better is NOT his Get Out Of Jail Free card every time you catch him out in the next lie.

The hard truth is - if he wants to stop, he has a chance to. If he doesn't want to, there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can do about it it tell him very clearly & firmly that he is now on his last chance. That the Get Out Of Jail Free card has expired, & the next time he does it you are over.

Unless you are prepared to compromise & accommodate his addiction, that is your only option. I am so sorry that you are having to cope with the lying & deceit, which i.m.o. is as hurtful as the addiction itself. But it's no longer a line here or there on a night out while you are childfree & carefree, so yes - you are either going to have to accept his addiction or be prepared to finish the marriage over it.

It's fucking heartbreaking (been there, done that - alcohol, refusal to work, & running up debts while I desperately tried to keep it all together).
But you know an addict's Number 1 love is his fix, right? So you HAVE to make him understand that this is his opportunity to lose the addiction, & make his family Number 1 again instead.

You know what you have to do. My only advice from watching a good friend go through exactly your experience is to ensure all contact is dependent upon regular drug tests with clean results. Otherwise, ensure contact is supervised by people you trust to do the right thing regarding car seats etc.

Honestly I am vehemently anti drug and won't associate with people who do them ever!

You're in a right mess now because you've ignored it rather than dealing with it and now you've 2 kids to an addict - because like hell is he only doing it when you're aware of.

Do you want your kids seeing this? Thinking its normal? Acceptable? Even desirable?

How does he behave when noticeably high? (I say noticeably because I'm pretty sure he's a far more regular user than you're aware of)

"I've tried everything to help him" but you can't, he's an addict, the only person who has the power to stop the addiction is him

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

You're NOT stuck you have options.

He'd be out if it were me! And no chance of coming back either.

Others might separate until the addiction was dealt with.

He's lying, he's breaking promises, he's spending family money on an addiction that feeds organised crime inc the sexual exploitation of women and kids, that feeds terrorism, he's letting his friends use your home like a fucking drug den! He's not considering your children's safety...

Seriously why are you allowing this? Around your kids?!