Can't trust my husband

[mumandnurse]

Hi everyone, I’m really hoping that speaking to strangers will help me out! I will keep this as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together 8 years. We have always been best friends and I have never questioned our trust right up until I was pregnant with our first. DH has done some recreational drugs occasionally on a night out when younger and we were first together. We were young, no commitments- it wasn’t for me but it didn’t hugely bother me. Fast forward a few years and nothing like that had been seen or mentioned for years, I just assumed he has grown up and it was a phase. So now I’m pregnant with our first, he goes on a night out. When he gets home I know he’s done coke from his behaviour. Next day he admits to it and says it’s a one off (i was fuming as I was pregnant!! I mean grow up your going to be a dad). The next incident I can remember is my daughter being about 4 months old, we had a bbq for DHs birthday. People kept disappearing upstairs- I’m not stupid, they were doing coke in the toilet. I was hoping DH was not one of them but I followed him upstairs and listened outside the door. He did it in the toilet next to our babies bedroom while she slept!! While I was sober to care for her.

Since then (3 years now) there has been numerous lies, me catching him out and then him crying and telling me he hates himself, I deserve better blah blah blah. The thing I struggle with the most is he is still my best friend, and an amazing dad to our girls. I do not want to break our family up but this is making me paranoid and bitter.

I already know what you guys will say but I’m asking anyway.

Thank you for reading x

It would be a No from me I'm afraid. I've seen assholes on coke and I wouldn't trust them as far as I'd throw them.

I've never done it so I don't know what it does, apart from to turn people into arrogant cunts. I wouldn't let him around my child. Simple as that. SS wouldn't either.

Eeeeee, love you’re married to an addict. The behavioural changes, the crying and lying. This is tough. As PPs have said I’d reach out to NA/Al-Anon, services that look out for people who live with addicted spouses/family members.

I have to say though, Class As in the house with wee ones? No no no. The consequences are unthinkable and I have to say for me that would be a red line: sending him to live elsewhere then deep cleaning the place.

I think the issue is that you have now put up with it for 3 years. Yes he cries, apologises etc (when you catch him, not all the times you don't) but there are ultimately no consequences.

I assume your post has been triggered by him taking drugs.

My advice would be that you need to seriously sit him down and calmly say that the next time he does it, he's out, he will have to leave and you won't take him back, and mean it.

What he's done is dangerous and disrespectful once you're a parent. But now your eldest is three they're old enough to notice if his behaviour is different, old enough to notice anything lying around etc. In divorce proceedings I would also declare the fact that he did drugs as I don't think he's responsible enough to share custody.

I say this as someone who's dh used to do Coke, I had a zero tolerance attitude and said I wasn't going to date someone who did coke, and he never did again. Luckily most of his friends grew out of it as well. I also work in an industry where coke is rife so I'm not naive about it.

But you have to do this for the sake of your children, imagine the impact this would have on them growing up and the liklihood of them doing drugs themselves when older. He's not a great dad whilst he does this.

Why did you have two children to a man who is struggling with substance misuse issues?

From what you said, it sounds like he is an functioning addict. Eventually they fall from grace and it be you and your daughters who will be suffering.

Your role as a mother is to protect your daughters. If social services become involved it will look very poorly on you that you are staying in a household with a man who is using class a drugs.

Thanks everyone for the input, all be it brutally honest 😫 what you are saying completely resonates with me. I guess you are wondering how I've let it go on for this long? Without sounding like I'm defending him this isn't a daily or even monthly occurrence but the bottom line is it does always reoccur. As far as I'm aware he never does it sober, it's always a drinking thing but he cannot say no once it's mentioned despite the fact he could lose his family. Although maybe not your traditional addict this does show that he has a drug problem. I'm half tempted to show him this thread- I think it would be a massive wake up call that so many strangers all think I should leave!

What do you want? You won't be able to stop him doing coke. Men like that do as they please

Don’t show him this thread, that will merely poke the hornets nest and an addict - because that is what he is - won’t transform his outlook because of a few entries on MN.

Also don’t underestimate how nasty addicts can get when a mirror is held up to their behaviour.

You need to seek guidance for you now. Don’t depend on him to see the light.

Why did you have two children to a man who is struggling with substance misuse issues?

Did you miss the OP, @ukgift2016, clearly written by a woman in despair who really doesn't need your lofty moral compass going off on her arse right now?

I imagine the OP married him for the same reasons women marry men who have an ooccasional drink, or had previously cheated but now things are strong again, or who sometimes are a bit uptight but in the main is a loving partner.
Only a few years in does the behaviour become habitual, problematic, worrying. If it hasn't happened to you, you are VERY lucky, & also have no concept of the crushing dismay of dawning realisation & acceptance of the situation.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Kicking strangers on the internet whose lives are falling apart - not so wonderful. Have a nice judgey day with your victim blaming.

If social services become involved it will look very poorly on you that you are staying in a household with a man who is using class a drugs.

Don't give that daft statement a moment's thought, @mumandnurse. Should SS ever need to be involved (unlikely, as you are managing the situation, & they have real cases to attend where you know - the kids are in actual danger of neglect or abuse ...), they, unlike @ukgift2016, are experienced professionals who, having seen it all before, will appreciate that you are taking steps to deal with the problem & work with you accordingly. They will understand & support you, as will any professional like GP, addiction worker, marriage guidance etc.
They certainly WON'T be judging you for somebody else's behaviour: they will admire you for your strength & resolution in deciding to tackle the situation & they will empathise with your own sorrow & distress.

I guess you are wondering how I've let it go on for this long?

Nobody with a brain cell, an ounce of empathy, or any life experience outside the MN BubbleWorld is thinking that my dear.

Pearl clutchers are imagining a shambling bear in your house with a straw permanently up his nose. That's either a comprehension difficulty (RTFT!) or ignorance, bigotry, & an attempt to make themselves feel superior for the amazing feat of not marrying an occasional user.

To step back from the catastrophizing ... it's coming over loud & clear that you are dealing with a situation that has the potential to become deeply problematic. Your husband's behaviour isn't ideal, but you both already know that. All you can do is give him both barrels as a warning that if he doesn't take credible & measurable steps to walk away from his part-time addiction before it escalates.

A couple of comments on here go beyond "bracing" to hurtful & isolating.
Stay strong & feel free to p.m. if you need a neutral Survivor Buddy x

PS @PaulHollywoodsSexGut is spot on.

Sorry you're going through this op. I could have literally written this myself. Everytime he says hes stopped he does it again. The only evidence i have of it though is texts to his friends and his own fucking mum. I thought he was done with it for quite a while until i read a text to his mum saying 'and I've been doing loads of other shit Rosie doesn't know about' two guesses what thats about!!
Op he wont stop. Just like my dp wont stop either. No matter how much they beg and cry they will always go back to it. Men lie, they will never stop. They will happily risk loosing their family for another hit as they think at the time ahh doesnt matter she'll never found out.
Im sorry for being negative about this op but youve either got to let it go and let him be or leave him. I haven't decided which im going to do yet but if my dp did it in the same house as me and the kids I'd kill him.

DH had the same issue when I was pregnant with DS1. Told me it was one last blow out before he became a dad.

Happened again a few months later when DS was a couple of months old.

I simply told him it was the drugs or me. His choice, but he can't have both.
He hasn't touched them since.

I'd give him an ultimatum. See what he chooses. You need to let him know you mean business and are not going to tolerate it going forward.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's shit!

@Aquamarine1029

@tootiredtothinkofanewname