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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to tell the OW about the affair?

58 replies

Karol2 · 10/05/2019 23:05

Friend had been having a relationship with a guy who she thought was separated but turns out is married.

I am so cross on both hers and the wife's behalf that I want to track down the wife and let her know even though it's not really my place.

AIBU?

OP posts:

nespressowoo · 10/05/2019 23:06

Not your monkeys, not your circus

formerbabe · 10/05/2019 23:06

Just keep out of it

TheCanterburyWhales · 10/05/2019 23:09

I rather imagine it IS the OP's circus tbh.
It's what fuckwit twatbadgers do.
Have you chucked him?

TanyaChix · 10/05/2019 23:12

Canterbury, read the post.

OP, YABU. Not your business. I get the temptation, however.

Dogparty · 10/05/2019 23:12

I’d tell her, even if it was just anonymously.

Original poster

Karol2 · 10/05/2019 23:12

I am involved as I am supporting my friend as she is devastated- to the point of talking about ending it all.

OP posts:

JuniFora · 10/05/2019 23:13

You don't know what chain of events you could be setting off by interfering. You don't know the wife's situation or what's going on in her life. This could be the last thing she needs to hear right now. It's not your place and none of your business.

You're trying to create drama in the life of strangers because you're bored with your own life. Find something better to do.

Original poster

Karol2 · 10/05/2019 23:14

and yes she ended the relationship as soon as she got told he was still married

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 10/05/2019 23:36

It’s not about creating drama in strangers’ lives, though. The OP is angry on behalf of her friend, who has clearly been badly hurt by this.

I do agree that if won’t do any good to say anything, but her reasons are understandable.

Yabbers · 10/05/2019 23:37

to the point of talking about ending it all.
The presumably your energies should be directed at being with and supporting her, rather than wasting time with the guy’s wife.

RedSheep73 · 10/05/2019 23:40

I get the temptation, the poor woman ought to know. Isn't it your friend's place to tell her though, not yours?

JuniFora · 10/05/2019 23:41

She is trying to create drama and cause a world of hurt in a strangers life so she can feel a part of something. If she was concerned about her friend she'd be focused on that. She isn't. She's using her as an excuse to create her own drama out of it.

We all know people like this... They desperately need an interest and focus on their own life.

Jaspermcsween · 10/05/2019 23:41

Please keep out of other people’ s stuff

Crunchymum · 10/05/2019 23:42

Your thread title is wrong then isn't it?

Jemima232 · 10/05/2019 23:43

What will you do if the wife ends up being suicidal over this?

After all, she has a good deal more invested in the relationship than your friend.

Perhaps you'd better also tell all her friends and relations, so that they can support her through the devastation.

Or put everyone's names on FB for a REALLY good outing.

If your friend is suicidal over this, telling the man's DW will not improve either of their situations.

You really want to make it difficult for the bloke involved, so that he gets some stick.

6079SmithW · 10/05/2019 23:44

It's really not your place to get involved and I'm sure your friend wouldn't thank you for it.
It sounds like your friend needs a lot of support at the moment. Make helping her recover your focus

Armadillostoes · 10/05/2019 23:44

The post accusing the OP of simply wanting to create drama was both spiteful and stupid Junifore. She explained her reasons and your accusation is grossly unfair. Whether telling the poor wife is a good idea is another matter, but they are lots of reasons why a genuinely caring person might he tempted. Why think the worst of he OP and spew bile? No need.

JuniFora · 10/05/2019 23:46

Becuase it's true. She hasn't given a thought to the impact or harm she could be causing the wife. She hasn't given a thought to her or what her situation might be.

ChicCroissant · 10/05/2019 23:47

So if your friend thought he was separated, has she been to his house? Met his friends and family? Who is this OW that you want to tell about the affair, OP?

giggly · 10/05/2019 23:53

I’m seriously about all pp who say stay out of it. All of you wouldn’t want to know if your dh was having an affair? Really?
I can’t see any drama here other than a wife who is getting shat on and could have the chance to find out the truth about her husband before she invests any more of her life,
So you’d all rather she lived in ignorant bliss with a cheater
I’d definitely let her know then it’s her choice.
I’d see not telling as increasing the impact.

Queenbetty · 10/05/2019 23:54

The wife isnt the OW in this situation.

Armadillostoes · 11/05/2019 00:03

Junifore you have no evidence at all to say it's true. You don't know that-you are just assuming the worst. And how much thought have you given to the impact of your words on the OP? Precious little clearly, which makes your comments somewhat hypocritical.

JuniFora · 11/05/2019 00:09

What impact? Well hopefully she'll consider the wife as a human being, one she doesn't know, whose circumstances she knows nothing about so has no idea whether it would be a good or bad thing to tell her... Hopefully she'll think twice about blowing up someone's life so she can feel emotionally validated on behalf of her friend.

Her post is evidence.

IABUQueen · 11/05/2019 00:29

I don’t get what people mean when they say it’s not your place and you want to create drama....

If I was this mans wife and this happened, I would really want to know.. I wouldn’t like to be deceived further..

I think this is where the OP is coming from. She sounds like she has great deal of empathy and is putting herself in the wife’s shoes...

Perhaps it’s not the right way to go about this —still don’t know why— but I don’t get how many pp can read malice into this situation because I genuinely would react the same way...

IABUQueen · 11/05/2019 00:31

Juni you are coming across as rather aggressive. I really don’t think the OP has done anything to deserve that..

I wonder what’s YOUR issue ?

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