Page 2 | to want to tell the OW about the affair?

Karol2 · 2019-05-10T22:05:03+00:00

Friend had been having a relationship with a guy who she thought was separated but turns out is married. I am so cross on both hers and the wife's behalf that I want to track down the wife and let her know even though it's not really my place. AIBU?

MindfulBear · 11/05/2019 00:41

It's not your place. What if the wife has cancer or their kids are sick or the wife is the devil...... if anyone should tell the wife then it is the OW - ie the OP's friend. She knows more about the wife Than the OP does.

If the OW doesn't want to then it isn't the place of the OP to do anything.

And to all those who say "if I was the wife I would want to know". Really!? No matter what was going on you would welcome a stranger throwing a bomb into your life? No. That's someone talking from a place of privilege.

If the OW wishes to tell the wife. Or the wife's best mate or the evil husband's best mate wishes to tellthe wife then great. Yes. They may be in a position to answer questions or offer support.
A complete stranger is just being vindictive even if it is coming from the best of intentions.

Stay well clear OP. Look after your mate. That is your only role. No matter how frustrating a role that is.

JuniFora · 11/05/2019 00:56

I haven't said anything aggressive. Stop projecting.

Kittypillar · 11/05/2019 01:57

even though it's not really my place.

Sorry OP, but I think you've answered your own question right there...

If your friend is as devastated as you say she is, focus on her. She needs your support right now more than anything else. It might be she wants to tell the wife in time, but you getting involved will just look vindictive. The best thing you can do is be a good support to your mate. That's as far as your involvement should go.

JAPAB · 11/05/2019 06:58

I don’t get what people mean when they say it’s not your place and you want to create drama...

I think a lot of people will have been in situations where they have known something about someone else's infidelity.

That can create a bit of a dilemma, and it is a hell of a lot easier to just forget about it.

But I do sometimes suspect that the people who go overboard on the 'none of your business' 'you just want to create drama' 'you just want to make yourself feel important' type sentiments, are the ones most likely to have been there.

And the OTT justifications of keeping quiet are more about not having to consider the possibility that it is not quite as morally neutral to sit on the information as they want to believe? Just a thought, and I am only talking about the people who go OTT on the 'say nothing' front.

Lizzie48 · 11/05/2019 09:32

I don’t think it’s about wanting to create drama, Juni, I don’t think that’s the point at all. But that doesn’t mean the OP would be acting with the best of intentions. Her mate is broken hearted and suicidal at the moment because of this man, so of course she’s angry. It’s about revenge on behalf of her friend, I think.

I’ve been in your place, OP. After my DSis’s marriage broke up, she confided in me that he had been violent to her. But she didn’t want us to say anything negative about him to anyone, as she was afraid that it would make things worse for her. Bad mouthing her ex might have made me felt good, and it might have shamed her ex, but it wouldn’t have helped my DSis at all.

And now it doesn’t matter; my DSis has moved on and is happily married to her second DH with her own family.

I can understand you wanting this man to pay for hurting your friend, but it won’t make your friend feel any better. It might make things worse for her, as the wife probably won’t believe that she didn’t know he was married.

Your job is to help your friend through her pain.

NauseousMum · 11/05/2019 10:12

If your friend wants to tell his wife then i would support her in that, otherwise i would just support your friend.

Original poster

Karol2 · 11/05/2019 20:54

Thank you all for your replies.

OP posts:

NeatFreakMama · 11/05/2019 21:04

I’d support your friend and if someone ends up telling the wife then it should be your friend. She’s the one hurt by him but your anger is probably because you’re a really good friend and don’t want to see her in pain...understandable.

dosydrawers · 11/05/2019 21:08

Your friend ended it, you are supporting her, even if you do tell his wife he will deny it, probably say your friend was chasing him or some such crap. Don't get involved, help your friend find someone she deserves who isn't a shitbag.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 11/05/2019 21:19

I'd want to know if my partner was cheating. Your friend should tell her.

PlatypusLeague · 11/05/2019 21:22

Yes, I think you should tell her too.

scarbados · 11/05/2019 21:24

She's his wife, not the OW. It's your friend who was the OW.

If you're a real friend you'll be more concerned with supporting your friend if she's talking about 'ending it all' and not trying to get the wronged wife to feel the same.

HowardSpring · 11/05/2019 21:51

I absolutely would not want some woman coming into my life and telling me that she thought my husband was cheating on me.

How would I feel? Humiliated, small, angry that someone would come in with a smug pitying smile to shatter my world. Maybe I already knew and we'd worked something out, or I suspected and was keeping my suspicions at bay until I was ready to confront them. Maybe one of my kids is very ill and I couldn't bear to split up with his father until I knew he was out of the woods.

You have no idea. Now keep out of her life.

Divebar · 11/05/2019 22:17

This isn’t a decision that anyone needs to make this second least of all you. I doubt your friend would be happy to be bad mouthed around town by a woman if she had no intention of spilling the beans. I would concentrate on helping your friend at this point. Once she’s feeling a bit better she can then decide about whether it’s appropriate to tell the wife or not.

Arethereanyusernamesleft · 11/05/2019 22:30

You could contact her anonymously and just outline the facts, but please tell her. From what I understand from reading this thread not many people have been in the same position as this wife. I have. I was in the dark for many years because everyone thought they should keep out of it. There were different women at different times and when I finally uncovered the truth I discovered so many "friends" who could have told me. If I had known a lot earlier I would have been in a much better position to make different choices in my life.

JAPAB · 11/05/2019 23:05

How would I feel? Humiliated, small, angry that someone would come in with a smug pitying smile to shatter my world. Maybe I already knew and we'd worked something out, or I suspected and was keeping my suspicions at bay until I was ready to confront them. Maybe one of my kids is very ill and I couldn't bear to split up with his father until I knew he was out of the woods.

Or maybe you knew nothing and if no-one says anything you might potentially spend years time-wasting whereas if you had had the facts earlier you could have made different life choices.

If you don't want to pass on such information don't, but I don't think it is legitimate to just assume that someone already knows / wouldn't want to know / is better off not knowing.

kateandme · 12/05/2019 08:02

have you told your friend what you want to do?what would she think say feel about this?

Justbreathing · 12/05/2019 08:16

Amazing that’s it’s all about the women, it will all be the women’s fault.

Truly amazing.

You can tell her for whatever reasons you want. You’re allowed to do what ever you think is best. It’s not your job to second guess what’s going to happen to the wife and family.

That’s her husbands responsibility.

If he was decent he would have already told her. Buy him not telling her directly yet knowing that there are people out there that know. He’s knowingly putting her in an even more awful position, that she might get that dreaded information through the ow or someone who’s a friend of the ow. And he knows that could happen.

But oh yeah. It’s all the wimmins fault for being a bitchy drama queen

Justbreathing · 12/05/2019 08:17

@HowardSpring
There’s no “thought”
About it. He did have an affair. And you sound like someone who is quite angry at women

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/05/2019 08:49

I am involved as I am supporting my friend as she is devastated- to the point of talking about ending it all.

But telling the wife won’t change that, will it? It may well cause a lot more trouble for your friend, who is your only priority here.

headinhands · 12/05/2019 10:22

You don't know anything about the marriage. I reckon your friend will be back with him shortly.

Justbreathing · 12/05/2019 10:56

@headinhands
Pretty horrible thing to say.
What is up with some people. She found out something horrible which has destroyed her yet you decide she’s the Bitch in this!
Amazing

NameChangeNugget · 12/05/2019 11:12

Ask your friend before you go in all guns blazing

DecomposingComposers · 12/05/2019 11:36

I wouldn't tell the wife OP.

It isn't your place to tell her and you have no idea the trouble that it might cause for your friend. You could end up making it much worse for her if this man or his wife decide to retaliate.

pink412 · 12/05/2019 12:00

I would not tell the wife.

Know someone going through the same at the moment and it’s the same advice given there too