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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Twins and birthday invites

35 replies

Rhayader · 10/05/2019 21:27

We are at the age where the whole class gets invited to birthday parties. DD is having a party this weekend and yesterday I received a text from one of the mums asking whether she could bring her other child who is in a different class (she RSVPd a while ago for the child in DDs class as I needed to confirm numbers with the venue around 2 weeks ago). The party is at full capacity, so it isn’t possible to add an extra child without significant expense so I said no. The party is activity party where adding an extra child would mean entering another price bracket so we are talking around £100 extra, not small change at all!

I don’t want to drip feed so a few other details: the child in DDs class is not one of her best friends and we had a few kids RSVP no who I filled their slots with other friends, so if she had contacted me earlier I would have been able to accommodate her other child.

WIBU to not invite both twins?

OP posts:

DerrenBrownings · 10/05/2019 21:29

Meh. Who cares it's all said and done now. Dont worry about it.

CrackersDontMatter · 10/05/2019 21:32

I had this happen except the twin was brought along with no prior communication. It was also an activity party - bowling and laser tag, so not cheap and also limited on numbers. It wasn't even a full class party, we'd invited 10. As it happened, one child was poorly so couldn't attend and it all worked out ok but I was definitely taken aback that they would just bring them along. Nine year olds so it wasn't as if parents had to stay and there was no one else to look after the other child.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 10/05/2019 21:32

Just explain what you said above about going into next bracket and costing £100 and that should do it

janetforpresident · 10/05/2019 21:34

Not unreasonable at all. They are two separate people.

FrancisCrawford · 10/05/2019 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Rhayader · 10/05/2019 21:36

@Nofunkingworriesmate

I did give her the figure (along with another firm no) when she offered to pay for whatever the extra cost would be and she backed off (unsurprisingly!) But it just got me thinking, is there a twin etiquette that I don’t know about.

OP posts:

chutneypig · 10/05/2019 21:36

Not unreasonable at all. My twins were in the same class at primary as it was a small school. Sometimes they’d both get invited, sometimes not. We didn’t make a fuss about it, that’s life. No reason the birthday child should have one less friend because of one child being a twin, or for you to pay out so much more.

MoodLighting · 10/05/2019 21:37

Hmm I think YABU if the kids need adult supervision still - if not, then YANBU.

FreeButtonBee · 10/05/2019 21:39

I have twins in the same class. The only thing hat annoys me is when it’s not clear if one or both are invited. Then I have to ask which is embarrassing and sometimes they have by that time managed to convince themselves that both are invited.
But if it’s clear on the invite that it’s an invite for one I have no problem enforcing. It’s good for them to realise they are independent people (in terms of school situations) and it actually makes my life easier as I’d really like more people to be happy to Invite one without the other without worrying about offending.

So they are being cheeky and you are NBU to say no. But this type of cheeky article would be the same with siblings so don’t blame on the twin thing!

Original poster

Rhayader · 10/05/2019 21:39

@MoodLighting they are six so it’s borderline.

Thanks @chutneypig it’s good to hear from a parent of twins!

I am a bit nervous that she might still bring both of them and we end up with an awkward situation. I said that if another child’s parent calls to tell me their kid is sick I would let her know...

OP posts:

chitofftheshovel · 10/05/2019 21:40

As a twin myself I would have been made up to have been invited without my sibling

Isbrexitoveryet · 10/05/2019 21:41

I think it’s totally dependent on the ages of the children & if parents generally stay at parties.
If they do and you’ve got one child who is a peer of party children that is cruel.
If they’re older it’s different

Isbrexitoveryet · 10/05/2019 21:43

Sorry x post. Honestly in KS1, I think it’s still quite likely they do EVERYTHING together.

Also, given that parents stay, I guess mums probably not got much choice about if she has other D.C. attend

CripsSandwiches · 10/05/2019 21:45

If it was a church hall You would be mean to say no but for an extra £100 of course YANBU. Just explain as you did now. "I'm really sorry The party is at capacity so it would be very expensive to add another child, it's a shame as if you'd asked earlier I could have given you a spare spot but it's now been filled"

Original poster

Rhayader · 10/05/2019 21:48

@Isbrexitoveryet

It’s more or less 50:50 whether parents stay or not at most church hall type parties. In this case, the activity is something that the parents can’t go in to do with the dc so she could hang around in the lobby if she wanted to but it would be fairly boring.

She is not a single mum so DH could theoretically have the other dc... although I don’t know them well enough to know if he works at weekends, she didn’t mention childcare as an issue, just that the other dc wanted to come.

OP posts:

Hippee · 10/05/2019 22:08

There are six sets of twins in DD's year, most of them in different classes from their siblings. I would only invite the other twin if my DD was friends with both. They are different people - why should they always get to go to the parties of their sibling's friends? I once did invite one of a pair (DD didn't really know DT2), both turned up and their mum said "Ignore DT1" - she's in a mood because DT2 has been to more parties than her - I still regret not saying "Well DT2 wasn't invited to this one, so I quite understand" rather than scrabbling around for an extra party bag present.

KC225 · 10/05/2019 22:10

I am a mum of twins that were in the same class and no - you do not have to invite the other one. Mine have been to plenty of parties without the other one as they have different friendship groups and annoyingly one was and still is more popular than the other. As they get older and the parties get smaller, its even more of an issue. Just write back and say, sorry no extra spaces, they have all been filled. As she replied a while ago, In bet she is asking on the off chance and will just say to the other child 'Oh well, I tried'. Think nothing of it.

Angellucy07 · 10/05/2019 22:10

I'm probably in the minority here, but if my child knew twins I would have to invite both (even if they were in different classes).
When they're older and develop their own friendships then of course it's totally different, but with little ones I would feel awful inviting one without the other.
Maybe that's just me.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/05/2019 22:12

I'm a mum of twins in separate classes. I would never expect a joint invitation, they're different people with different friends!

She's being really cheeky, YANBU to say no. It would be the same if it was just a sibling and not a twin IMO.

If they are in different classes then they definitely don't do everything together or they'd be in the same class and non-invited twin would already be invited!

(On the flip side I've taken the other twin to collect the one at the party and the mum was embarrassed as she didn't know they were twins and would have invited them both. I tried my best to reassure her that it was definitely not a problem, other twin was genuinely not bothered in the slightest and neither was I, her son is not friends with the other one!)

user1490043295 · 10/05/2019 22:13

I have twins in reception and when the kids get party invite, the child invited goes and the other one doesn't. I have never asked if the other one can come too. They are both in separate classes and I have explained to them they will not always get invited to the same party.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/05/2019 22:14

@Angellucy07 they're in different classes. Of course they have different friends. I would find it weird unless your kid was actively friends with both

Angellucy07 · 10/05/2019 22:15

Yeah I get your point.
Sorry, I don't have any experience of twins so was wrong of me to comment really.

TwistedBiscuit · 10/05/2019 22:17

DS has a friend who's a twin (and the twin sibling is in a different class) and we've only ever invited DS's friend, not the twin. Seems natural to me. I'm sure the other twin is very nice but she and DS really don't know each other.

Whatdayisit2 · 10/05/2019 22:18

I have DTs and I try to always check if it's one or both invited.

bellinisurge · 10/05/2019 22:19

Not your job to sort out childcare for her . That's the child's parents' job. Couple of sets of twins in my DD's year at primary school. Always treated separately by their parents for stuff like this. What with them being two separate children . Often likes and interests and friendships overlap. But not always.

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