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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sleep before DD 7 is in bed ?

56 replies

AutumnNymph · 10/05/2019 20:43

DD 7 is in the family room watching telly while painting , DH is in the gym. While on weekdays DD is in bed by 8, we are more relaxed when it isn’t a school night. I am knackered and sleepy and mentioned to my DMiL (WhatsApp) that am going to sleep off.

She basically said I am being irresponsible to sleep when DD is alone and awake and anything could happen! DD regularly wakes up before us on weekends and can sort her breakfast out ( cereal and milk / fruits) - it didn’t even strike me that it wasn’t responsible to consider sleeping before her. DD is sensible and I know she won’t open the dorm to anybody or walk out ( which are two instances DMIL mentioned )

AIBU? MIL has offered to keep talking to me until DH comes home to “help me stay awake”

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnNymph · 10/05/2019 21:55

DD won’t stay up all the hours . The latest she would stay is 9:30 if that. She will get herself up to bed by 9 -9;25 pm even without any prompting.

Being allowed to have “no set bedtime” on Friday and Saturday is something she treasures and which makes her feel grown up. As she is sensible with it , I don’t see a need to drag her to bed just cause am sleepy.

If she needs me she will get me - I am
More deeply asleep in the mornings anyway.

I honestly didn’t see it as any different from
Say taking an afternoon nap when I have a migraine.

I guess Ir does depend on the
Child.

OP posts:
Hecateh · 10/05/2019 21:57

I would do it
You know your daughter

Marvelendgamekids · 10/05/2019 22:01

I would go and have a nap and leave a 7 year old. My eldest was 6 or 7 when I was pregnant, and I would have a nap and set my alarm, or doze on the sofa. I even nap on the sofa with my 3 year old engrossed in the tv occasionally.

I wouldn't take myself up to bed for the night though. That just feels different, I think because I'd always want to see them off to bed first, plus I'd sleep deeper at bedtime.

snowdrop6 · 10/05/2019 22:02

I have ,mine is 9...but there’s always other adults in the house.we are a full house ,so always someone about.i wouldn’t if no other adult home..

speakout · 10/05/2019 22:04

Maybe that's a disadvantage of a "relaxed" bedtime " for a 7 year old.

I have always set bedtimes, a little later at weekends, but still faitly early.

I like a full day to enjoy activities without kids needing to sleep late or be grumpy because of lack of sleep.

Things like painting are done in the daytime, not at 9pm.

Iggly · 10/05/2019 22:05

I wouldn’t nap with my dcs in the house if I was the only grown up around at that age.

I know it’s silly because I can’t explain why but it just seems not the right thing to do. It’s different to waking up later than the dcs - even then I wake up and am never properly asleep once they’ve got up.

SoyDora · 10/05/2019 22:06

My oldest is only 5 and a half but I can’t imagine not putting her to bed and tucking her in etc at 7... do they change so much in that time?? 😩

GruciusMalfoy · 10/05/2019 22:10

I would nap, but wouldn't go into a deep sleep (PJs on, lights off type sleep) when my 7yo is awake. I can relax knowing she's in bed and sleeping, then can sleep easily. I have on occasion gone to bed when my 10yo is reading in bed. I know he won't be up long once he gets to that stage.

Original poster
AutumnNymph · 10/05/2019 22:16

@speakout both DH And I work
Full time and DD is in after school until
6 pm so this is her me time to relax as well.

Sod’s law am now wide awake after she is asleep Grin

As I said above (should have possibly mentioned it in OP) relaxed doesn’t mean she is up all hours - she is in bed by 9:30 at the latest on Friday and Saturdays and she has been getting herself off to bed after changing , cleaning her teeth for months now - I do stay with her for cuddles and snuggles but that’s for fun not to supervise IYSWIM.

DD is an only child and it’s just the 3 of us at home most of the time :)

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/05/2019 22:21

Well, I wouldn't because my boys mess around a lot at bedtime (there's three of them and they are really annoying). However, I've been known to put them to bed at the same time as me, if I'm asleep before them then what's the difference?

They also get themselves up in the morning and make their own breakfast so no I don't think it's an issue. I'm a deep sleeper and don't wake up at all when they do.

MumOfOne92 · 10/05/2019 22:33

I'm asleep when my 8 month old wakes up sometimes. She doesn't make a sound, I guess that makes me irresponsible Hmm

SoyDora · 10/05/2019 22:35

I'm asleep when my 8 month old wakes up sometimes

Assume your 8 month old is in a cot or your bed, not painting downstairs?

Pineapplewheelnuts · 10/05/2019 22:39

I'd feel weird about talking about it but not weird about doing it in a strange way. I'd go to bed to watch telly and fall asleep after telling dd I'm in bed and to come and snuggle if she wants or so she knows I might be asleep and to come to me rather than just call me if she needs to. But to turn lights off and go to sleep I wouldn't but I don't know why because as you say, they can get up in the morning on their own at that age!

Iggly · 10/05/2019 22:39

It’s a bit different being asleep, at night, when your baby awakes. As I assume someone wakes up to tend to them.

Actively choosing to go to sleep and leaving your child awake would be irresponsible, yes!

BigBairyHollocks · 10/05/2019 22:42

I wouldn’t just because it seems lonely for the child.No matter how tired I am I always try to be present with them till bedtime.I never ever go to bed without kissing my 13yo and 8yo,it just doesn’t seem right.I really treasure bedtime cuddles,I know it’ll be the blink of an eye when they’re both up and out and I can sleep whenever I like.

IncrediblySadToo · 10/05/2019 22:49

People keep saying ‘painting’ like she’s tightrope walking over a ravine 🤣

I wouldn’t, but only because I wouldn’t settle then I’d be wide awake shortly after & not be able to sleep.

In principle though, leaving a sensible 7yo downstairs for a bit with her Dad coming in later on is fine. He’d chase them up to bed (not that yours needs it!) and make sure the house was locked up.

I’d he wasn’t coming up after I wouldn’t. Even though technically there’s no reason not to.

StuckInsideAnEcho · 10/05/2019 22:50

Sometimes you have to make a judgment call. You know your child best. We don't know if you have a secret bedtime wine habit or if your daughter ever mucks around in the kitchen or garage or whatever. But sometimes things are the way they are.

I can't leave my youngest to fend for herself because she will put herself in danger and she also nicks food. But if it was my eldest, I'd feel less uncomfortable. But what I do, is they have earlier bedtimes than other kids often do. And sometimes like tonight, because of a huge upset, they accepted going to bed at the school night time instead of the weekend time. I try to jazz up any plans we have for the next day if I have to do that. I have to have time to wind down before I can attempt to sleep.

I think not being up straight away in the morning isn't too bad at that age if they're capable of making basic breakfast and popping the TV on. My eldest has been in charge of breakfast for a long time and my youngest insists on doing it herself now. They both love to help in the kitchen. They're not allowed to use the kettle or microwave or cooker without us. But my eldest is allowed to make toast and they get regular reminders about not sticking anything in the toaster if bread gets stuck. And they know to come in and wake me if it's urgent. It helps being in a tiny one floored flat too.

MumOfOne92 · 10/05/2019 22:53

@SoyDora yes true, she's not being left to fend for herself. Although there is probably some people on MN that think it's reckless.

Yabbers · 10/05/2019 23:00

I’d have a nap on the sofa (20 minutes max) but I wouldn’t sleep in bed as that would mean a much longer sleep, certainly not if I would sleep past her bedtime.

OTOH, Alvin and the chipmunks are dire so leaving the room was a good plan.

Yabbers · 10/05/2019 23:02

And sometimes like tonight, because of a huge upset, they accepted going to bed at the school night time instead of the weekend time
Go on, admit it, you picked a fight so they’d be sent to bed early, didn’t you 😉😂

Original poster
AutumnNymph · 10/05/2019 23:02

@BigBairyHollocks I am trying to figure out the problem with painting as well. Totally agree with you - if I hadn’t know
DH would be home soon I wouldn’t have W even considered it .

@BigHairy I love bedtime cuddles as well but don’t think a one off change in TOI time if a parent is tired matters - I did cuddle her when I said I am going upstairs to bed and to make sure she came up as soon as she was done with the painting. She loves painting and I didn’t want her to get interrupted because I was sleepy

OP posts:
Ex28 · 10/05/2019 23:06

It depends on the child. My DS is 7 but he still likes me to tuck him in at night. I actually think he’d fall asleep on the couch if I left him. But he’s always up in the morning before me.

Shetookmylastcarrot · 10/05/2019 23:10

I dont see the problem, though I get why it feels weird. If you think of it objectively it's not that big a deal. Like you said, she's quite capable of sorting herself in a morning and knows where you are. That doesn't change just because it's night time. As a child I was often up and about in the middle of the night at that age due to insomnia. My parents definitely weren't going to stay awake all night to supervise me! Kids wake up in the middle of the night all the time and for arguments sake could be up to anything at that time too, doesn't mean you stay awake all night on the off chance they need you.

PamelaX · 10/05/2019 23:42

Actively choosing to go to sleep and leaving your child awake would be irresponsible, yes! Confused

even when the child is 35? Grin

My 7 year old could stay home alone for a little while, so I am sure he would have coped just as well with me asleep in the same house Grin

With bedtime, it makes a big difference if their father is arriving home a bit later. It's not like all the adults have tucked in for the night and leave the kids roam free until the early hours.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 11/05/2019 08:19

Actively choosing to go to sleep and leaving your child awake would be irresponsible, yes!

Why?