To hate being a SAHM

[ohforfoxsakenotagain]

So it was never really my intentions of becoming a SAHM.

When DS1 was born, I went to work full time and I resented it so much. I felt I was missing out, that it was ridiculous to pay such extortionate child care and I begrudged going.

Fast forward and I was made redundant just as I had found out I was pregnant but hadn't told them yet and I am now a SAHM to DS and DD. And I utterly hate it. It's boring, I'm broke,it's relentless and no one listens to me!

I do feel I have two wild spirited children shall we say and everyday is a bloody battle. 4 year old is a law to himself and 18 month old DD has such separation anxiety I cannot even leave a bloody room without her screaming blue murder.

I want to go back to work but I couldn't do full time because of child care costs. I have applied for well over 100 jobs in the last 6 months and nothing. I have applied for everything and anything and still nothing.

No real point to my post I suppose. Just hoping it's not just me in this situation.

I'm not very good at being a SAHM either and it isn't a choice I would have made - ideally I would have continued to work 2 days a week but financially and logistically it wasn't an option.

I do some completely non child related volunteering and that really helps. I am starting to look for work although I know the combination of hours/job role/locations I want means it will take a while.

Presumably your eldest starts school in September? That brings with it a bit more of a break for you although a whole load of different challenges.

You could be me OP

Dirtyatinkyrats a clingy 18 month old is worse then a strong willed 4 year old!

Yes even though I chose to stay at home after my second was born - the childcare costs were more than my salary - I found it really difficult. I wasn’t the natural mum I thought I’d be and when they were babies I found it so boring. I didn’t have kids til my 40s and hated being known as so and so’s mum or wife - after all I was my own person for 41years! It’s better now they are teenagers (a different kind of stress but not the nightmare I had feared).

Have you applied for evening jobs? My mum used to work in a factory evenings when my younger sibs were toddlers and she needed a break from the house.

@dirtystinkyrats yes thank god! I know that sounds terrible but he is utterly exhausting, demanding, backchatting and generally a little shit sometimes. He is of course a loving little boy and I will miss him but my god we both need him to start school!

@user1493242132 she is worse but at least she naps!

I have applied for well over 100 jobs in the last 6 months and nothing. I have applied for everything and anything and still nothing.

this happens a lot. it's not as easy as i'll just find lovely p/t role after having a huge employment gap.

can you do some volunteers work?

you say you cannot afford full time childcare for a full time place? Assuming you are a lone parent then. do you get maintanance? is the dad involved at all? any chance you could make to contact so you are a bit more flexibility job wise?

I'd rather hang myself than be a stay at home mum. It's not for every one!

I wasnt cut out for being a sahm either. I did 4 months after mat leave and hated it. I now do 2 1/2 days a week which is perfect. Keep looking something will come up x

God no I’d have hated it too. I hope you get something part time soon. I found 3 days perfect when the kids were small. Not sure what your skill set is but the civil service are very flexible - they do recruitment programmes for returners who’ve had a few years out as well.

I’m not enjoying it but I think it’s because it was forced on me rather than a choice. I’m a lone parent and DS(age 2) is in the process of being diagnosed with autism and it’s just not sustainable to work what with having to take him to numerous appointments every week. Hoping it will change when he is 3 and we have strategies put into place to help him transition to nursery.

One thing that’s keeping me sane is that I’m doing an OU degree (very) part time. Is there any courses you’re interested in that would both update your skills and give you a reason to use your own name instead of ‘mum’?

@clutterqu33n nope not a single parent however the child care costs vs salary wouldn't make it worth while although I am applying for full and part time.

Volunteering wouldn't work as I'd need to pay for childcare

@clutterqu33n nope not a single parent however the child care costs vs salary wouldn't make it worth while although I am applying for full and part time.

but childcare is a household cost. do you tell your DH that his job is not worth it because of childcare. and even if it doesn't increase the household income in the short term, you retain skills, advance your career, improve your long term earning prospects and contribute towards a pension scheme.

it's absolutely worth it if it doesn't impact your household finances negatively, if it improves your job and financial prospects long-term and if it helps your mental health. you don't sound happy.

I worked 3 years for 'nothing'. it paid off tenfold since!

@clutterqu33n I haven't asked for a full time/ part time debate.

I don't want to put my children in full time care to have a couple of hundred pounds. Seems madness.

Yes it would negatively affect our finances of course it would. I would be paying out extra money for child care and not earning anything.

I have completed further training at college during this time but it seems employers are judging my "employment gaps"

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. I just came into say I’ve been at home for 16 years (yes eldest 16 last week)! and we have 4 DC, but I wanted to let you know that once they start in school, your life will be transformed. You’ll drop them off at 8.30 and you’ll be walking on air! You’ll come home and you’ll be able to hear a pin drop. The day is yours - get fit, do whatever you like - reinvent yourself! It’s amazing. So hang on in there! Plus you meet loads of people through the school and build up a support network.
In the meantime, could you get a babysitter a couple of hours a week even, just so you could take yourself out the house for a hands-free coffee? I know its easier said than done when you have s clingy one, but she won’t be like that forever. Or just tell your DH you are slowly losing the plot and you need to go out by yourself when he gets home or in a weekend? This won’t last forever..,,

I don’t hate being a sahm exactly, but I hate the loss of my identity, and just being DTs Mum, and Mrs tootired. I’ve also been looking for part time work (it would cost us for me to work ft) and haven’t had any joy yet. I get no time away from the kids, and just feel like I’m some sort of house servant, with very little control over my own life.

I love my kids more than anything in the world, but I didn’t think I’d struggle this much frankly, and had no idea I’d all but disappear.

Still, this won’t last forever, and I am very lucky to be able to spend this time with them. I just need to figure out who I am now, and get a handle on my life!

With regard to finding a new job, could you get someone to take a look at your CV? Make sure you're really looking at the requirements and tailoring your covering letter to them. Ask A Manager has the best advice I've ever seen on CVs and covering letters, her website is well worth checking out:

www.askamanager.org/2017/05/if-youre-not-getting-interviews-heres-how-to-fix-your-resume-and-cover-letter.html

YADNBU, it's not for everyone, it wasn't for me.

What sort of work did you do - could you retrain to do something else in the future? Could you use part-time childcare to do a course?

Also, these ages are, to me, by far the hardest. It's relentless and thankless but it will get better.

@MuchTooTired that's exactly how I feel. Just the house servant who cleans, cooks, wipes bums etc.

I don't know who I am any more. I'm no one really. I don't get to go anywhere on my own unless I orchestrate a huge child care plan which in itself is a stress. I popped to Morrison's the other night on my own and it felt like a mini holiday.

We have good days obviously and they are both funny little characters but oh my god they drive me up the wall. I guess it doesn't help that we've moved to a new area and I don't know anyone.

I know what I’m about to say isn’t helpful to you OP. But it’s 19.20 and I’m sitting stuck on a call in my office. I’ve has an incredibly stressful afternoon with people shouting at me. I’ve got a long commute home whenever I get to leave (who knows when that might be). I feel too tired to commute home. I’m pregnant and my hips are killing me from sitting down all day.

I really, REALLY envy you.

I know where you are coming from, OP. I have a 2 and 5 year old and it's only got easier in the past few months. I freelanced from home in the evenings to get around the child care costs and I am counting the months down to the youngest getting some funded hours.

It's relentless and not helped if you are forced into it, rather than positively choosing it.

@OutInTheCountry I was in account/ project management (full time) before I was made redundant and truth be told I feel so frazzled I don't think I could do that again.

I have just completed an evening course which I am hoping to use to go self employed but I really need to gain some experience in it before I do.

@Buddytheelf85 wait until your DS/Dd is driving you up the wall you'll call work a break

MuchtoTired - you haven’t disappeared! You are in transition to your next phase. It’s never too late to retrain or try something new. I have long-term SAHM friends who have retrained as interior designers, psychotherapists, play therapists, nutritional therapists, personal trainers - allsorts. They work on their own terms these days in something that actually interests them and it’s about more than the money. My friend gets £80 for one hour of psychotherapy and works from her home office. It took her 2-3 years part-time for the MSC. Or play therapy training with children can be done in a year. I think? Another friend had opened a specialist cake shop which has been going a few years. Another one designs and makes specific silver jewellery and sells it on Etsy, etc. These years are tough but you can use them as a time to rediscover and re-orientate yourself!