To think 'Ghosting' is SO pathetic!

[BornInGlasgow]

I've seen it on here so many times before. Girl meets guy, guy is really keen, couple of dates (or in some horrible cases even months) in, guy completely loses his balls and vanishes off the face of the earth. It's behaviour I would expect from a child to be honest or awkward teenager who doesn't have the social skills to express how to let someone down or the intelligence to empathise how much it can affect somebody's feelings.

It happened to me once years ago and although I consider myself to be a level headed and rational person I was amazed by how much it bothered me. We only had one date (yes one) and we arranged another then spent around a week sending constant messages to one another then bang he was gone with no warning. I was very new to OLD at the time and didn't realise this was a thing and I thought about it for weeks afterwards. Obviously he had met someone he preferred and whilst that's fine and he has the right to - can't people just be bloody honest and say so?! So I can't imagine how much it must hurt if you've progressed enough with someone to let them into your home, sleep with them etc and start to think you're in a relationship and then have this happen.

I would rather someone tell me straight. I'm ugly, I'm shit in bed, my tits are too small, I'm boring, she's better, she's fitter, whatever! Better that than leaving someone confused and in the dark... It's nothing about dating rights or playing the game. You might not owe anybody an explanation but I really consider telling someone the truth just being a decent human being.

I've dated people before and when they've asked me to be honest I really have been. I'm not attracted to you, we can be friends but never more, you look like my ex, I'm not willing to take four kids on. Etc etc. I would NEVER just wimp out and blank someone.

Is it really so fucking hard to be direct with people?

So there, rant over. 'Ghosting' is gutless, immature and really quite stupid. It should be dumped in the school playground next to the swings and slides and left there where it belongs!

Just happened to me recently after months of dating and we work in the same building

I had an actual boyfriend who used to do this to me. I was quite young and he would go and leave me sitting in the pub alone and not come back and turn off his phone, not contact me for days, then the next weekend I would hear from him. I eventually realised what that relationship was and got rid of him. Broke my heart because I was daft for him. He went around telling everyone that it was all so complicated and no one understood what was going on in the "relationship" made up stories about why we would never work 😂 I soon put everyone straight. So he was a ghost that kept coming back 😂. It's a cowards way out.

YANBU bloody irritating and rude behaviour. It doesn't require much - if you've only been on a date or two a short text will do - just let the person know you're no longer interested.

(Obviously it makes sense to do this to an abusive partner or stalker but not someone you're casually dating).

On the flipside, not everyone is a decent human being and sometimes ghosting is the safer/less offensive option.

It's been a long time since I dated, but there were several occasions I remember where I tried to be a decent person, upon realising there was no spark, only to be met with abuse, a bombardment of messages or on one occasion the guy turning up at my workplace (we'd only had 2 dates FFS!). In the end it did get to a point where I wondered why bother with the hassle. Sadly not everyone wants to hear the truth or take no for an answer.

True but I think most people deserve the truth

I was once ghosted by a guy I WORKED with. The idiot tried to simply ignore my existence, presumably hoping I would miraculously forget we'd been dating, while working with him.

Fool.

It's a really shitty thing to do. I've had it done to me recently with a guy I've known a long time and have some history with, it's hurtful that he can't just say he isn't into it as I suspect is the case as he's not bothered reading my last two messages. He has been so so enthusiastic when we've spoken and then suddenly not replying after I suggested we meet up this weekend. He has always been a bit crap with replying in a decent time frame but not if it's a direct question that needs a response. My friend has been ghosted twice recently too, admittedly she has been OLD and hasn't ever met them, but they were texting constantly for weeks, suggesting meeting etc before deleting their accounts out of the blue. I don't understand why they go to the effort of all the chatting but then don't want to meet or have to explain themselves, is it just an ego boost thing?

I get it, OP. I really, really get it. And agree with you 100%.

We only had one date (yes one) and we arranged another then spent around a week sending constant messages to one another then bang he was gone with no warning.

I've had this before but wasn't bothered because we'd only been on one date. Tbh til my mate asked me a couple of weeks how it went I hadn't really registered it had fizzled and had forgotten about him, hadn't messaged him once he didn't respond either.

BUT then the guy messaged me about three weeks after our date with a really long earnest message to say he "wasn't ready for anything serious" was "daunted by the idea of a big relationship" etc as if I'd asked him to marry me!

I said "it's fine, we're on the same page - don't worry!"

He replied saying "you really are wonderful"

I responded "I know 💁🏻"

I was only annoyed about the situation because it was so presumptuous of him to assume I'd been stewing for weeks waiting for him to get in touch!

Thank you, next!

I've been ghosted numerous times by guys at various stages, such as after one or two dates, after sleeping together, even after dating for several months. Utter cunts, the lot of them.

I’ve been ghosted by a male friend. We met thru a (not online) dating agency and realised while there was no romance we got on really well. We then met up most weeks and just had fun going out and about with no pressure. Then suddenly he stops stone dead. I asked him if I’d done anything offended him blah blah but nothing. I was surprised as he was a psychologist and thought he’d behave better. We were just friends after all.
A female friend of mine had a bestie who when she got engaged was so helpful and nothing was too much bother - helped with everything basically. Then night before the wedding she just called her and said she couldn’t be friends with her anymore and wouldn’t be at the wedding. Totally weird no warning just gone never to be heard of again! So it’s not just a male thing and not just a romance thing.

Unfortunately it’s some people’s modus operandi. I think perhaps it’s a lack of courage, or empathy. Either way I think it’s a viciously selfish act. My ex used to do it to me over the smallest of things (I once dared to wear my knickers to bed) and he ghosted me for someone else. It’s a pattern he’s developed with all of the other women he’s been with.

People generally do lack social skills, it’s quite rare to find one that doesn’t and they absolutely clean up on tinder etc because they shine above the rest

I'm not sure. Definitely not OK if you're in a relationship, but if it's a very casual thing then I think I prefer silence to have someone write down the reasons they don't fancy me and send that to me.

I don't want a list of reasons but I'd rather just a very simple text saying sorry, I don't think this is working or something like that. I hope I've never done this as I think it's a sign of respect to acknowledge the other person.

Those of you who have replied and have been ghosted (especially by utter idiots you work with?!) I hope you'll be able to laugh it off one day... some of you are there already by the looks of it :-)

Yeh it's pathetic. Hasn't happened to me with partners but has with friends so there's been an actual 'friendship' of sorts and over a long time in one example.

It's ridiculous.

Yanbu

Just say the truth or if the truth is too harsh, a white lie. "Not a good time for me." "I don't think we are right for each other"."Its not you its me"

Ghosting is cowardly and unkind. People need to tell their friends, acquaintances who are doing it to just grow up.

Stunned at some of the replies on here. Ghosted by people you work with ......... Man leaves you in a pub mid date, turns his phone off and expects open arms the next weekend. A Psychologist should behave better.

I think its just people don't want that 'awkward' conversation. To be fair, I think it's been around for eons, before it had a name. Back then people just didn't call back and disappeared but with texting, email its never been easier to tap - 'great evening but didn't feel a connection good to.meet you good luck'

And I've never been ghosted before. I think that I am too old and it wasn't common when I was young/single.

When I was young and single I was on both the giving and receiving end of break ups. No damage occurred. Just speak up and end it, for everyone's sake.

Yes it’s pathetic, spineless, immature and usually reserved for CFs.?

Often if you get ghosted it’s because the person thinks you’ll take it really badly and they don’t want the drama. I sort of ghosted someone once because he was a whinged and a crier, and he was totally into me and had said he wanted to marry me, so I knew if I told him it was over there’d be tears and wailing and begging. So instead I just backed off to avoid the unpleasant confrontation. To be fair, after I’d distanced myself for a week or so I did tell him it was over, which resulted in him calling my mobile repeatedly in tears and wailing “Just tell me where you aaaare! I need to see you agaaain!” (um, nope)

I ghosted my now husband. When we met we were just friends but I knew he liked me. I wasn't ready for anything and told him so but it felt like he was still pushing for more so I ghosted him for a few months. I felt awful but I just didn't know how to deal with it. 3months later we started talking again, 10 years later we're married with a baby

Raptorwhiskers - with respect I doubt that's true. Most people get ghosted because the person just can't be arsed and sees the rejectee as an irrelevant statistic rather than a human being who should be treated with basic respect.

"*great evening but didn't feel a connection good to.meet you good luck" this is a perfect let down, polite and very direct. If the person doesn't accept it - then it's acceptable to block and ignore.

The people who ghost someone after one date are just spineless and juvenile. But as for the ones who do it after months and months of dating, I honestly think there's something wrong with them mentally. Sociopaths or something. It's just not normal to be that ruthless.

I had a guy on a date once that went amazing- both said it didn’t feel like a first date, how much fun we’d had, how we looked forward to meeting again......sent a ‘great night last night, thanks’ text the next day, got a close you down politely one back so thought I’d wait for him....and waited......three months later he sent a ‘wave’ which I ignored......theee months later sent another one which I replied that I think he’d sent it in error - reply back was ‘no, why did you think that?!’. Suggested that he might like to remove my number and I thought i’d blocked him.
Last month, 2 years later he managed to wave again......Inthink I found Lazarus!!!!