To think 'Ghosting' is SO pathetic!

[BornInGlasgow]

I've seen it on here so many times before. Girl meets guy, guy is really keen, couple of dates (or in some horrible cases even months) in, guy completely loses his balls and vanishes off the face of the earth. It's behaviour I would expect from a child to be honest or awkward teenager who doesn't have the social skills to express how to let someone down or the intelligence to empathise how much it can affect somebody's feelings.

It happened to me once years ago and although I consider myself to be a level headed and rational person I was amazed by how much it bothered me. We only had one date (yes one) and we arranged another then spent around a week sending constant messages to one another then bang he was gone with no warning. I was very new to OLD at the time and didn't realise this was a thing and I thought about it for weeks afterwards. Obviously he had met someone he preferred and whilst that's fine and he has the right to - can't people just be bloody honest and say so?! So I can't imagine how much it must hurt if you've progressed enough with someone to let them into your home, sleep with them etc and start to think you're in a relationship and then have this happen.

I would rather someone tell me straight. I'm ugly, I'm shit in bed, my tits are too small, I'm boring, she's better, she's fitter, whatever! Better that than leaving someone confused and in the dark... It's nothing about dating rights or playing the game. You might not owe anybody an explanation but I really consider telling someone the truth just being a decent human being.

I've dated people before and when they've asked me to be honest I really have been. I'm not attracted to you, we can be friends but never more, you look like my ex, I'm not willing to take four kids on. Etc etc. I would NEVER just wimp out and blank someone.

Is it really so fucking hard to be direct with people?

So there, rant over. 'Ghosting' is gutless, immature and really quite stupid. It should be dumped in the school playground next to the swings and slides and left there where it belongs!

Meh.

I don’t think you owe anyone anything if you’ve only seen them a couple of times.

It is cowardly yes but so many times I have told a guy in the early stages that I didn’t want to meet up again and they have seen that as a green light to ‘win me over’.

...Can we just talk, yes I understand but just meet me for a coffee, one guy said, faint heart never won fair lady, another said I was the ‘most despicable person he had ever met’ (never even shagged) and one just said ‘fk u.’

It was easier recently when the messages started to fizzle out after meeting and I wouldn’t call it ghosting but neither of us had to end it as such, just kind of both tailed off and disappeared.

I think it's the worst. There is nothing worse than a slow, dawning revelation that something is over as at first I'll give them the benefit of the doubt (they're busy etc) then realise it's more than that. At least if someone says something you have a moment of pain but then you know what you're dealing with.

I guess people do it for a lot of reasons. They are bad with conflict or cowards or think that all's fair in love and war.

I was ghosted by someone who I only went on 2 dates with but he really got under my skin with all sorts of sweet talk then disappeared. Twice. More fool me for giving him a second chance but I've still not forgotten him!! Oh and a boyfriend of 4 years ghosted because he didnt want to deal with an issue that would've meant standing up to his mother. It is a painful and uncertain position to be in.

Anyway, I understand the point about 'after 1 or 2 dates nobody owes you anything' which is fine if there is no expectation of anything more and contact just fizzles quietly out. But I think if the other person is keen or you have discussed/ agreed to another date, it isn't about owing but about kindness. You should let them down politely, employ a white lie if need be- 'it's not you, it's me' or whatever. If they don't take it graciously you can block but at least they're not left wondering.

Of course if there's abuse involved, none of the above applies.

@mavellavender it's not about owing somebody, it's about decent adult behaviour.

I had an actual boyfriend who used to do this to me

Same Drogosnextwife 😔

He would drop me home after a weekend together or something and I just wouldn't hear back from him. We were together for 7 months when he first did it. It lasted for 2 weeks. I forgave him after promises that it would never happen again and he was so sorry, loved me more than anything. The same pattern repeated several times over the next 9 months until the final time when I went to his house to confront him after another week of silence. I walked out and never looked back. I never really got an explanation as to why he did it. He would message me on and off for years basically saying he regretted everything, I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he couldn't ever move onto a new relationship because he just thought about me all the time. Blah blah blah 🙄

6 months after that I got with my DP who i'd already known for a while. That was 9 years ago. He's never ever ghosted me and we're getting married this year

Its cowardice

It's being too much of a coward to have an awkward conversation along the lines of 'I don't like You in that way', its so immature

And hurtful, i forgot hurtful

It sucks but it’s wayyyy nicer than simply saying “ur ugly, you smell, she’s fitter,ur overweight” or whatever horrible reason it is.

Although never been ghosted but wouldn’t rather that)

Would rather that**

Yanbu. I agree you should always be honest and upfront. unless like my ex friend with MH issue, who couldn't except rejection, I had no choice but to ghost
In a dating scenario, honesty is best.

I've never ghosted someone in my life, and have always tried to behave with decency and kindness on the online dating scene.
However is it acceptable when it fizzles out, and neither of you contacts the other?
I had Date 3 with a bloke the other night. I had really enjoyed the first two dates, but found the chemistry lacking on the third. I didn't feel too bothered either way about seeing him again, so decided to see what he came back with. He hasn't really been in touch either, so it's not like I've been ignoring his messages.
I just feel bad in a way, about not doing a proper goodbye.

Surely if you hook up with someone by the swipe of a finger to the right then you are creating a disposable relationship that can be ended by the finger press of a block button.

Creating or ended contact has evolved into a very fast efficient process. Doesn't leave a lot of room for emotions.

I've ghosted men but never ones I've met. I'd been chatting to one man I'd matched with on tinder and he said to me after about 2 weeks of messages and a few calls "I know you're my destiny. Nothing will ever stop me from being with you. Not god, not even death". So I ghosted him

Yep, like I said we work together not in the same department. He won't speak to me, we were dating happily for a few months and he vanished

YesQueen Jez what a dick, playing the ostrich. He must be very immature or brain dead.