to split up with DH because of this habit?

[Brightbluegentian]

Have name changed for this as it might out me IRL

Been with DH 8 years, married 4, 2 DCs. Mostly get along ok... no affairs, abuse or big issues like that.

I guess we are both a bit stuck in a rut, I am struggling with anxiety (perhaps peri mentopause related) he is a bit depressed. We are both bogged down with work, small DCs etc. But I have a good freindship network and various hobbies and interests to keep me sane.

DH has no real outlet outside the family. His friends treated him very badly a few year ago and he’s dropped them. He works as a contractor so no real relationships with colleagues etc. I find this pretty claustrophopic ( I have good friends who have adopted him to some extent but he’s not very social - especially without a drink and he’s cut right down on that for health reasons.)

Now - well for over a year I suppose - he has started to responding to anything I say that he doesn’t agree with a sort of twitch. He basically does a weird shrug, tongue stuck out between his teeth thing that I actually find very offensive. It’s coming out more and more often, for little things like in a discussion about whether to keep the heating on.

It’s getting to me so much that I am not sure if I still want to be with him. It’s certainly put me off sleeping with him. AIBU to get so upset about a silly tic?

Ummmm yes YABU are about the tic, although I can’t imagine what this must look like ?!?
I guess he would benefit from some hobbies, what is he into?

Gosh! I’m doing it right now! That’s pretty odd! Is he neurodivergent in any other way?

Long shot but does he work in IT?

Are you saying that he's making a signal that he thinks you're stupid? That old "der" thing that people did in the 80s before realising how offensive it was??

*sorry - not trying to offend anyone here. Was he around when people still used "spastic" as an insult? Is that what you mean?

Is it about the tic? Or do you feel claustrophobic and relied on due to his lack of social life?

Anyone else actually trying to do this so they can get an idea of what it looks like?

I don't know OP. Why won't he talk to you? It sounds very dismissive.

Oh, I just saw you said it was claustrophobic, never mind But is it about the tic or his lack of social life and it's draining you?

Is it something he's doing unconsciously or consciously?

@CarolDanvers I do it all the time when I'm deep in thought

Not really my area of expertise but if you "mostly get on OK" then I would have to give myself a stern talking-to if a simple tic was annoying me to that extent.

You could tell him though? It might just jolt him awake. Before we were married my OH told me I had a particular tic he found annoyed him irrationally. When I thought about it, it did strike me as inherently annoying so I quickly kicked the habit, and looking back am glad he told me about it.

i'm just imagining Wallace off Wallace & Gromit

It's a dismissive gesture,that's why it annoys you so much. I'm not surprised it pisses you off.

Have you talked to him about it? My DH did/does the fucking noisy yawn thing. But when I said I really couldn't handle it he stopped.

is it a tic? Or a habit?

I am picturing it as the emoji with the tongue sticking out, ie goofy but not offensive?

Is he bothered by the lack of social life or is it more you that is bothered by it? Just wondering because people need different levels of social contact I think. Is he wanting you to arrange social stuff for him or is he quite happy for you to do stuff without him?

like this???

As an afterthought, does he say anything during these discussions OP? As mentioned, I do this but have also done it in work situations but I make sure my mouth is closed, it's to help me stop saying things I might regret and a comfort thing feeling my teeth on my tongue (yes weird, I know) It's escalated in the last couple of years and made me realise what the expression biting your tongue actually means.

I also want to know whether it's subconscious or deliberate? If deliberate is it like that really offensive thing people used to do at school in the 80s (kind of sticking your tongue out pretending to be a "spastic").

Depending on the answers to the previous questions since you have two kids and no major issues I don't think I'd break up a marriage over it without putting in some effort to solve the issue.

It's funny that you start off by describing his lack of social lives then suddenly discuss the tik? Is it perhaps the claustrophobic feeling that is making you more irritable with him?

If he's not social why is his lack of friends an issue? Does he tag along with you to social events? Does he moan about being alone at home? Could he join a gym or something so he has something of his own?

ah, image did save, oh well

I think once these sorts of things become unbearable the relationship is often on borrowed time - like a small thing seems to stand for so much more...

Sounds like there are problems that have been festering (imbalance in your relationship, you feeling suffocated, relationship cruising) and these have been unaddressed too long.

That’s the real problem.

Is there hope, OP? What does your gut say?

MNers all over the country are now sticking their tongues out and shrugging.

I'd be pissed off too - it sounds like he's just dismissing you.

If it's an involuntary tic then YABU

If it's a body language "whatever" then YANBU

Does he actually talk to you as well, or is the twitch the only response you get?

FFS come back OP! My face hurts now!

I think this article is so relevant to what you are saying about your husband not having friends or mates
www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a27259689/toxic-masculinity-male-friendships-emotional-labor-men-rely-on-women/

Since reading it few days ago I find myself wanting to post it on many threads on MN.

It’s hard to describe. He screws up his whole face for about a second. Not just sticking his tongue out IYSWIM.

Yes bullseye to the poster who guessed he works in IT! He’s always had a few quirks but this one is new - or at least much more frequent. He claims its not intentional - I have spoken to him about and told him how it makes me feel - that I would rather he just say he thinks I’m talking out of my arse... I also worry that if it’s not a conscious thing he might do it in front of colleagues... he has a ‘chequered’ employment history and things like this don’t help!