to split up with DH because of this habit?

[Brightbluegentian]

Have name changed for this as it might out me IRL

Been with DH 8 years, married 4, 2 DCs. Mostly get along ok... no affairs, abuse or big issues like that.

I guess we are both a bit stuck in a rut, I am struggling with anxiety (perhaps peri mentopause related) he is a bit depressed. We are both bogged down with work, small DCs etc. But I have a good freindship network and various hobbies and interests to keep me sane.

DH has no real outlet outside the family. His friends treated him very badly a few year ago and he’s dropped them. He works as a contractor so no real relationships with colleagues etc. I find this pretty claustrophopic ( I have good friends who have adopted him to some extent but he’s not very social - especially without a drink and he’s cut right down on that for health reasons.)

Now - well for over a year I suppose - he has started to responding to anything I say that he doesn’t agree with a sort of twitch. He basically does a weird shrug, tongue stuck out between his teeth thing that I actually find very offensive. It’s coming out more and more often, for little things like in a discussion about whether to keep the heating on.

It’s getting to me so much that I am not sure if I still want to be with him. It’s certainly put me off sleeping with him. AIBU to get so upset about a silly tic?

Ok so it’s a neurodivergent tic/stim.

It certainly doesn't seem like behaviour to end a marriage on without some kind of effort to make it better.

Have you talked about it other than on here?

Why not - or if you have, what does he say?

Far far too quick to jump to a diagnosis of ASD! I used to work with children and adults with this. You'd need a proper diagnosis.

Lots of men do not have close friends. That really IS a 'man thing'!

You sound fed up with him generally and give the impression you are looking for a hat on which to hang your boredom/ annoyance.

If you have 2 young DCs you owe it to them to try to make your marriage work. Talking it over with him is something you have to do.

And if that gets nowhere, there are counsellors who specialise in counselling couples where one has ASD, if that is what it is.

Well, IMO there’s a few ways you can go. You could read together about what’s happening - why he feels the need and is there a different stim he can replace it with?

Would he consider an assessment for a diagnosis? That may help his employment situation. What’s caused the career wobbles in the past?

You could read up yourself on tic and stim and see can you mentally reframe it as involuntary?

You could kill him, but where would you hide the body?

You could leave, as just because a behaviour is involuntary doesn’t make it any less annoying?

Lots of options.

Leaving aside possible reasons for this tic... I've heard that when a random thing like this really annoys you then it's often a sign that your relationship is in big trouble. It seems like a small thing, but it's not.

The idea is that there need to be significant problems between you and a lack of love towards that person before a minor habit gets on your wick so severely. You focus on the tic, but there are bigger issues behind that feeling.

Just a theory.

It doesn't matter where he works, ''contempt'' is the first death knell of a relationship according to that Paull Gottman (?) the four horsemen of apocalypse. Do you know what I"m referring to !?

Contempt is the number one indication that a couple will not last. Why do people feel contempt? Because they take you for granted? Because they think you're awkward? Because they think you're not worthy of respect or that their way and their views are better?

If there is no way of making him value you and your entitlement to your own view I'd just press fast forward on the divorce.

It is john gottman not paul, sorry