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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Not inviting old 'friends' to my baby shower

41 replies

lraven · 10/05/2019 13:26

I wonder if you lovely people can help with some perspective on this issue i'm having and if i'm being unreasonable?

The situation is that I have 3 friends who I have known since sixth form college. We used to be really close, I went to Uni with and lived with one of them for 3 years. We continued to be close friends and meet up regularly up until about 2 years ago. Overall we've known each other over 10 years. These three friends all got pregnant and had babies within a year of each other, and since then getting hold of them has been next to impossible, which I completely understand as they’re busy nowadays however over the past 2 years all 3 of them just stopped replying to my messages enquiring how things were, or I got one word answers. I’ve wracked my brains and I’m sure I didn’t do anything to be phased out like this. 2 out of 3 of them held baby showers which I went to and bought loads of gifts for their babies, this was before they stopped replying to me. One of these friends (at a time we were speaking regularly) forgot my 30th birthday and instead sent me a rude message about paying the deposit for her baby shower, she wished me happy birthday the next day after another friend had mentioned it in passing. While these friends were pregnant they expected a lot of attention and constantly updated me on their pregnancies etc. Two of them see each other regularly despite one of them living on the other side of the country now so i know they are in touch with each other. I think in the end I just got fed up of trying.

Fast forward 2 years and I’m now pregnant myself for the first time. I’ve had a hard pregnancy so far with sickness, I have a fibroid which has terrified me as I’d never heard of them before, and I’ve also got PGP which is agonising. I tried to reach out to them again earlier in the year to tell them my good news and just to see how they were and how their kids were, see if they had any advice, not one of them was interested. The most I got back was a very formal reply from one (the one I’d lived with), nothing from one and a simple congrats via instagram message from another. Any updates I've posted about my pregnancy on social media go ignored by them but they all like each other's pictures of kids. One of them did reply to say she’d had another baby herself early this year and didn’t even tell me she was expecting which really hurt me. Her excuse was she only told people she spoke to but i'd messaged her a few times trying to make contact in the past year and she ignored me.

So my issue is now that my best friend who I’ve known most of my life (an unrelated friend, not one of these 3 girls) is desperate to throw me a baby shower this summer (in due in September). I don’t like parties for myself but I agreed as my family, in laws and best friend are excited to attend. My best friend has recently asked me if I wanted to invite these 3 girls. I would like to for old times sake, but the issue is that I’ve not spoken to any of them in so long and they’ve shown so little interest in my life since I moved in with my partner, my pregnancy and the baby that I don’t think they’d show up anyway, and that would really hurt me.

Am I being unreasonable to just not invite them? I don’t think with everything I could cope with them just not coming after all the effort I made when they were pregnant. My best friend who is organising my shower said do I want her to just invite them anyway and just see if they come but I don't want to face this rejection when I was so supportive of them when they were pregnant. Sorry if this comes off a bit selfish.

OP posts:

Lena40 · 10/05/2019 13:31

Not unreasonable not to invite them, if you think there may be at atmosphere or something if they attend then probably best not.

How would you feel about that though? Would you miss them?

Did they ever give a reason as to why they froze you out? It does seem odd.

WhatToDo999 · 10/05/2019 13:34

have the baby shower, its a lovely thing for your friend to do.

I wouldn't worry about the other three - it seems quite clear that they are moving along with their lives and don't seem to be making much of an effort to include you. Should they say anything just tell them you didn't think they would bother coming with how they have been acting, so didn't see the point

Congratulations on the pregnancy

Original poster

lraven · 10/05/2019 13:35

Thanks for your reply, they never said anything about why they won't speak to me, and i've not really asked if i've done anything because I can't recall anything i've ever done to upset them. I've had recurrent depression and severe anxiety over the past few years and they were all aware of it and maybe it makes them uncomfortable.

If they didn't come I would be upset, but I'd at least know they aren't friends anymore I suppose.

OP posts:

AlmostAlwyn · 10/05/2019 13:37

You don't sound selfish at all! I would only invite people who make you feel good about yourself, and it doesn't sound like these girls do. It's a shame when friendships fizzle out, but you've got a great supportive best friend who wants what's best for you.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Original poster

lraven · 10/05/2019 13:44

Thank you, my poor partner really liked them when he met them and keeps wondering if it's his fault that we grew apart... I just keep saying no it's not his fault, and if they didn't like him anyway I wouldn't care. He has ADHD and can be a bit hyper so he thinks these friends just find him too much (he isn't too much at all though and he's a lovely person).

I would miss them not being there for nostalgia's sake, but I just know if I'm aware they were invited and don't come then it'll ruin my day.

I suppose I know my answer.

OP posts:

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 10/05/2019 13:45

Invite them but don't expect them to attend, unfortunately some friendships fall by the wayside, this would be a last ditch about at reconnecting and because they invited you to theirs. If they attend lovely, if they don't oh well, it sounds like you have a lot of good friends and family around you now anyway, it would tell you to draw a line in the sand and move on. Funny get upset over people you used to be closer to not attending when you'll be surrounded by people who love you.

outvoid · 10/05/2019 13:48

I wouldn’t even question not inviting them. In all honesty, it sounds as though they wouldn’t even attend anyway and you would only feel more hurt.

No idea why they are behaving this way, people are extremely strange. It’s nothing you have done and only reflects badly on them. Call it quits on the ‘friendship’ and focus on the people who do care and of course, your lovely baby. Congrats .

Grumpos · 10/05/2019 13:49

Why would you invite 3 people who clearly aren’t your friends anymore and haven’t so much as bothered to reply to your messages in 2 years - one had a baby and didn’t even tell you.
These are not friends, they’re are not even acquaintances. It’s fine to move on in life, it is sad sometimes to lose friendships we deemed really important, but it happens.
Celebrate and enjoy the day with the people who love and support you.

AntiHop · 10/05/2019 13:52

As you said you know your answer. Being phased out or dumped by good friends is really painful. I've been there.
You've tried to keep the friendships alive but they haven't reciprocated.

Time to move on.

thymeandplaice · 10/05/2019 13:53

No, don’t invite them. And I say this as someone who really values holding on to old friendships. But they’ve made it pretty clear you’re not a priority for them. It’s kinder to yourself to just let it go. And not rude at all!

Bringbackthestripes · 10/05/2019 13:54

I wouldn’t invite them. It would definately put a dampener on your event if they either didn’t respond, they declined or they responded but then didn’t bother to show up.
It sounds like they’ve moved on. It is sad but focus on the lovely friends you have now and all the friends you will make as a new mum.

Mumofone1593 · 10/05/2019 13:56

Very upsetting to feel left out but definitely don't invite someone who didn't even let you know they were pregnant, sorry you were cut out and congratulations on your baby

HollowTalk · 10/05/2019 14:00

God no, don't invite them! I would remove them from social media too.

Rachelle11 · 10/05/2019 14:01

For whatever reason they are no longer your friends. You will likely never know the reason unless you decide to ask.Congrats on your baby and I would move on and focus on other friends you can invite and spend time on.

ohtheholidays · 10/05/2019 14:03

No way on earth would I invite them.

Have the people there that love you and have been there for you,those 3 women aren't amongst those people.

MRex · 10/05/2019 14:04

I wouldn't bother, I'm happy for you that you've found at least one good friend and I'm sure you'll make more through NCT and baby groups. These women simply can't be bothered with you so put your energies into your real friends.

FWIW, I really dislike one of my friends' DH, but it doesn't stop me seeing her nor being polite when he's around. I doubt it's to do with him, more like they moved onto a different life stage and couldn't make an effort for you.

Figgygal · 10/05/2019 14:04

Absolutely not unreasonable they're shitty friends

floribunda18 · 10/05/2019 14:05

I would invite them, give them one last chance. People do move on sadly, especially if you aren't nearby. Family life can be rather all-consuming. If they don't come then maybe just leave it.

Provincialbelle · 10/05/2019 14:06

People can be so awful, and here are 3 more examples. Don’t include them, just move on with your life as they have with theirs

ControversialFerret · 10/05/2019 14:06

Delete and unfollow on social media and don't invite them. They aren't your friends any more and their behaviour has made that quite clear.

Ginger1982 · 10/05/2019 14:08

Don't invite them. Why would you? They've clearly demonstrated they have no interest in being your friends anymore. I guarantee that if they do come they'll find some way to make you feel isolated (talking about things the 3 of them have done together for example). Let them go and focus on making new mummy pals for yourself

7yo7yo · 10/05/2019 14:08

Would I fuck invite them to celebrate one of the happiest times of my life!
Fuck em of and delete them from social media!
Be happy.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/05/2019 14:09

They sound awful and I wouldn't invite them or feel bad about it.
Have a lovely baby shower and focus on your other friends.

floribunda18 · 10/05/2019 14:09

I don't think this is a case of people being deliberately awful, just forgetful, self-absorbed, busy and distracted. I know family and work takes up nearly all my energy and I don't have much time to socialise or keep up with friends and only do things sporadically.

Have you told them how you feel at all? They probably have no idea.

oneforthepain · 10/05/2019 14:13

It doesn't really make sense to me to invite people who so clearly aren't your friends anymore, but I realise it's very painful that by choosing not to invite them you have to recognise those friendships have ended. Maybe this is the line you needed to cross to let them go.

The fact that the friendships have faded out doesn't take away all the meaning they brought into your life at the time - you'd be a different person today if you had never known them - it's just that life has moved on. It's ok to let yourself grieve for them as part of moving forward, though.

Focus on the strong relationships you do have in your life now. Your best friend sounds lovely.

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