To ask for help with a 'Parenting translator'

[bigbadbadger]

Myself and a few other women run a monthly parenting group for women who have grown up outside the UK (as I did). It is great fun and we enjoy it a lot, there are so many fantastic DPs balancing life/work/relationships alongside navigating a new culture.

One of the things we laugh about is the 'lost in translation' things we all get wrong, and we have decided to compile a list of these to help new members and make us all laugh. I wondered if any MNers had any good ones I could share.

An example is:
When you start primary school you will meet a lot of parents who may live close to you. They often say "you must pop round", this is not an invitation, do not turn up unless you are given a specific time and day and even then best to text and check first "Just checking we are still on for today". Just turning up is very rude in Britain!

or

You must not ask your DC friends about their academic levels, sporting achievements or their parents jobs - this is nosy and rude in Britain!

a personal favourite

If someone compliments you on your clothing, perfume or food just say 'thank you', do not give them it! They are usually only being polite and will be horrified when you give them an old stained tupperware full of curry!

We are not in anyway mocking UK culture, which we love, just making fun of all those awkward situations we all get in and cringe about for years after. I thought you might also find it fun

DH is German but has a lot of Austrian rellies as well
I (British) have had to teach them that something being a true statement of fact does NOT stop it from being very rude

Don’t forget queuing
You must not deviate from the queue, DC must not hold a place in a queue while you dash off Brits hate this
But it is a nice gesture to allow people with one item to go in front of you

When you use a car park ticket machine or cash point you must apologise to the person behind you for holding them up even though you didn’t

My mum is British but still thinks “alright?” Means how are you when it means hi. We still chuckle as OH always says “alright” and she always replies “well not really, had a GP appointment today &... bla bla”

Also see you later. She gets confused and she says “no not later maybe tomorrow?”

And one she gets confused too is “hey mum” in a text message. She thinks it’s rude for some reason.

Do explain the common custom of avoiding a friend or acquaintance at the supermarket. A breezy 'Hi' is acceptable upon first spotting each other, then it is re-route yourselves so that you cannot bump into each other again.

Also, if you serve scones, you MUST discuss whether you prefer jam or cream first. If you are served scones, you might want to wait to see how your host builds theirs first. Don't want to be accused of being some sort of monster.

When someone says "I'm afraid he's not available" etc, they aren't actually afraid of anything, it's just a weird English way if apologising.

So many!!

If you get over the hurdle of small talk and become friends with a Brit and they in its you to their wedding, even though the invitation says ‘we are not expecting gifts’ THEY ARE! Do not think this is just a kindness. Buy them a gift.

English people see the Scots and Welsh as British and may well support the other British teams if they are knocked out of a sport, but NEVER ask a Scot who has has just had his team knocked out of the would cup if he’s now supporting England!

The posher am English person is the fewer emotions they display. So if a posh woman says she’s ‘had a bit of a bad day’ she probably means her dog has died and her house was burgled.

If you go to a BBQ the men do the cooking. Do not try to help even if you know you could do a better job, this is seen as a massive slight on the men folk present.

All of these are based on my own experiences!!!

I am weeping with laughter, thank you all so much!!

I once stood on someones bag which had a cake in it. They immediately said it was all their fault and not to worry, which my friend took at face value but I knew it was code and paid for her cake. It was definitely my fault.

When Imfirst moved to the up (9) a checkout lady said your welcome dear....my answer I’m not a deer I. A human lol now living abroad again in Spain and trying to get rid of my Britishness errgh people organize to meet you then there’s no confirmation your just expected to turn up! But in the uk you’d confirm like once or twice even a message when your leaving lol

Also when you pass someone in the street here you say goodbye not hello lol 😂 if you say hello they stop and chat to you in the uk if your walking and see someone you know you say hi then immediately look away and keep walking lol also in the uk when your walking on a coastal path or through the wood you must greet every stranger you see with good morning afternoon etc and maybe some small talk

This is a lovely thread

Sometimes, when we’re walking down the road, my German DP will deliberately and repeatedly bump into me to see how many times I will say sorry before realising what he’s doing.

And they say Germans don’t have a sense of humour

OP, I love your Texan food order story. I snorted at it.

Do explain the common custom of avoiding a friend or acquaintance at the supermarket. A breezy 'Hi' is acceptable upon first spotting each other, then it is re-route yourselves so that you cannot bump into each other again.

I honestly thought that was just me!

My mum never understood the respons "you're welcome". She wondered what she was welcome to, welcome for a visit? A coffee?

Whenever you think you have figured out the language, you will visit or meet someone from a different area of the UK. At which point, you won't understand a word they are saying.

British accents are the most varied I've ever come across.

Do explain the common custom of avoiding a friend or acquaintance at the supermarket. A breezy 'Hi' is acceptable upon first spotting each other, then it is re-route yourselves so that you cannot bump into each other again.
This is probably the ultimate in Britishness. The horror if someone starts to walk round with you commenting on what's in your basket and making suggestions!!!

The pet names are another
I am in Yorkshire. We have Love, Dear, Pet, Sweetheart, My Darling, My Lover, duck, cock, sweetie, babe.
Impossible to explain, we must just accept it.

If someone bumps into you, you say sorry (hopefully they do too)
The answer to 'how are you' is 'fine thanks' or, if you're feeling really bad, 'not too bad thanks'
Never boast about how much something cost (unless you are living in a particular type of ostentatiously wealthy area); boast about how little it cost. eg 'I like your coat'. 'Thank you, I got it in the sale, it was half price'

'this old thing?' I am so British now, it's a wonderfully modest, grumbly club of tea and understatement.

OP "sometimes the passive aggressive 'sorry' to make you say 'sorry'"

I'd also include the passive aggressive "You're welcome" (when the other person hasn't said thank you but you think they should have). Generally the breezier the delivery, the more sarcasm is being used.

The response here in Ireland when someone says the like of 'nice top' is some variation on 'this thing, fiver in Penneys'. (Substitute Primark for Penneys and yer golden!)

If in doubt just smile and say "thank you". Will get you out of most tricky situations.

I would say you need to know that the UK is a guess culture, not an ask culture. In ask cultures, if you want something off someone, you ask for it, and if they don't want to give you it, they say no. In guess cultures, it's offensive to refuse a request, so if you ask for something you should be fairly sure beforehand that the person will be happy to give it.

The UK is also a peach culture, not a coconut culture. That means that people are soft on the outside but their centre has a hard shell - they will chat to you like a best mate very quickly and share a lot of information with you about their lives, but still hold you at arms' length. (Coconut countries are ones where people are quite formal and standoffish to start with, but once you get to know them a bit, you potentially have a friend for life. Switzerland is like this. When I first arrived in Switzerland I pissed off a few people this way, by "opening up" and inviting closer friendship (more like, being a typical Glaswegian flapping my gums to the nearest ear) and then not doing anything to maintain it).

Oh, and shaking hands. In the UK you don't shake hands unless you're in a job interview or something (birth, marriage, death) has happened that warrants a trip to the registry office