Relationship - what shall I do???

[nc555666666]

I have been with dp 3 years, living together. My 3 dc are teenagers his two dc are 7 and 3.
Our weekends revolve around his dc7 he is allowed to do what he wants, eat what he wants and sleeps in our bed. I've tried to talk about his bad eating habits which he is improving slightly but the bed thing is really annoying. When I mentioned this recently we ended up having our first proper disagreement. I feel like I'm spending my weekends parenting and running round after his two children, mine don't need me as much apart from transport to hobbies. I wouldn't mind as much if we have a dc of our own but he doesn't want one. I really do love him but we don't really do anything anymore. I am also much worse off financially since living with him. I've decided to tell him that I'm not happy but how do I word it? I don't want to split up just make things better.
Just to add I love his kids and them coming they just need routine which he refuses

"I think we need to live apart for a while"

And tbh OP until his kids are teens you wont see much of him so best maybe just to end it now?

I don't understand why you think having a child with him would help solve things. That seems crazy to me. Be honest OP, are you jealous with the bond your dp has with his son?

I'm not at all jealous, he's a lovely dad, part of the reason I'd want a baby with him. I've always wanted another, I love all stages of being a mum and whilst we are doing all the younger stages anyway I'd love one together too.

I do see him now because I join in with everything with them

But he's not a lovely Dad, is he? He's not effectively parenting his son and he's arguing with you when you try to point out that this is having a detrimental effect on everyone. That actually sounds like a pretty ineffective lazy Dad to me.

@ControversialFerret I can see how that comes across but it's out of fear of upsetting him so he says he won't want to come anymore. I can understand this but he loves coming to us

If the seven year old is this difficult in certain behaviours/close to their dad at the moment, imagine how they’d be like if you had a baby. I’d imagine they’d feel pretty rejected and deliberately pushed out so their dad could have a new family. Especially since you resent doing things for his kids but would be fine if it was your own (shared) child - kids can and will pick up on that. I think living apart (at least for the moment) is probably the best way to go.

100% would draw the line at a 7 year old sleeping in same bed as me and DH. No way.

Love apart.
Work on the relationship.
Good luck

it's out of fear of upsetting him so he says he won't want to come anymore

That's really not being a lovely dad though.

I'm struggling to see how the hell 'jealousy' popped up in this blended family dynamic

I'd tell him straight OP, that you are not happy anymore.

Tell him you are not happy and chances are he may not be either. Suggest you live apart but perhaps 'date' two or three times a week where you both agree to put in more effort.

So he split up with the mother of his child when the 2nd child was a newborn and moved straight on to you? Lovely.

His inability to establish boundaries and give his child a decent upbringing would be enough for me to lose respect for him and not wish to continue the relationship.

He's at a different life stage to you OP, you're nearly out of your parenting years and can enjoy some freedom where as he's only at the beginning and it will be 15 years until he's out the other side.

Why not just focus on your own children for the next few years rather than being distracted by his then look for a relationship with someone at the same life stage as you.

Why not just focus on your own children for the next few years rather than being distracted by his then look for a relationship with someone at the same life stage as you.

This

@DoneLikeAKipper I don't resent doing things for his kids, I just don't think sharing a bed is appropriate?

Thanks @BumbleBeee69 I'm really not jealous! I've told him today let's see how it goes now!

Good suggestion @KC225
@givemesteel no you've got those circumstances wrong but I can't elaborate as I don't want outing. You are right though about the different stages.

good luck OP

Your partner has landed on his feet. Not only is he being subsidised by you, but also he's got an experienced and caring woman to parent his son, while he takes a back seat. You do nothing together anymore.

That's not what you need right now. You've been there, done that and got the growing teenagers to prove it. Why would you want to take on high maintenance small ones, single-handedly, at this stage in your life?

You seem afraid to be frank about your needs. You say that you only 'mentioned' the misgivings that you have. Your partner has no such problem - he thinks he's entitled to your services and let's you get on with it.

I'm afraid that a relationship that makes me poorer, takes me for granted, takes away my weekends and suffocates me with boredom, would not last long.

he is using you, please leave.

It would tick me off having a 7 year old sleep in bed and no proper routine. I’d leave the eating part to him but don’t be going out of your way to make extra meals he likes leave that to his dad to sort out and I’d be telling your partner that if the 7yo is scared to sleep in his bed alone then dp will need to go sleep in his bed with him. He will soon get sick of sharing a single bed

Being a 'lovely Dad' is not about giving into the whims of a confused and unhappy child. It's about properly parenting them and understanding that there are going to be times when you have to put rules and structure and boundaries in place. Deliberately allowing his young child to eat a really crappy diet is neglect FFS! Doesn't he care about the potential health implications?

He's taking the easy road - allowing his son to call the shots under the guise of not wanting to alienate him - and leaving the heavy lifting to you. He's making no effort to invest in any time for you as a couple. What exactly are you getting from this relationship? You aren't happy, you are financially worse off and you're fighting because he won't step up and parent his kids properly...

You should not be an unpaid carer/ childminder/ housekeeper for someone else's DC when they come to him for the weekend!

What is that all about!?

That's the time HE steps up and does all those things for them fgs!

Why on earth are you taking a financial hit? Surely the opposite should be true? Sort that out immediately!

As far as co sleeping is concerned. Personally I think it's lovely.

But without boundaries his D's is going to be an absolute nightmare so you should get out quick.

Thank you all for your replies. It's really helpful seeing things from a different perspective and I think that I would be saying the same as you all if I were an outsider looking in! I expressed how unhappy I am in a text yesterday as I thought it would be easier and he can re read. He has arranged for us to go out properly tonight together. That's a small start. I'll see how it goes and if it gets better great but if not then it's not meant to be!

Over dinner tonight I would lay out some requirements -

The financial situation needs to be sorted. You should not be worse off as a result of him being there. It doesn't mean having to pool finances but it does mean that perhaps bill shares need to be different, especially if he is earning more than you.

The situation with his son also needs to be sorted. He needs to stop coming into your bed, start putting boundaries in place for behaviour and consequences for rudeness etc., and take responsibility for his son's health and diet.

They are non-negotiable and if he's not prepared to sort them out and maintain it then he needs to move out.