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Original poster

Help - teen son and porn

52 replies

helpmumof3 · 09/05/2019 22:54

Posted here for traffic, sorry

Just doing a spot check on my sons phone, he's only in year 7 so every now and again I check his phone and search history.

He's been searching for lots of porn videos, but we obviously have strict internet controls at home, but he's watched them when staying at his grandparents house and cousins houses as I hadn't thought to check what controls they had in place (I know really stupid, please don't criticise me)

I'm really upset but can't think straight, feeling emotional, i don't want him watching horrible things, I want to him be 11 and I know he's going to be curious but I want him to have a childhood and not be exposed to such adult content any this age

Now we don't know what to do, if I admit I know how to search his history he will probably figure out how to delete or get around it. I've told my OH he needs to have a chat with him but my OH is not great at being the strict parent.

Other mums please help with advice, how to tackle and is there any apps to monitor the phone usage that we should be using going forward?

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmumof3 · 09/05/2019 22:55

P.s I'm a regular poster who had name changed

OP posts:
Jaffacakebeast · 09/05/2019 22:59

I put all the controls on and my 12 year old ds watched “cartoon” porn, on YouTube. Classed as kids content. Really can’t win. I’ve had the chat, especially about the xxx rated stuff. Unfortunately I don’t think I can stop him seeing it, it’s all over at school, we get emails all the time, so all I could do was give him the fact and my opinion 🤯

Ghanagirl · 09/05/2019 23:00

I’m not sure what to say,
If he’s just 11 why is he accessing this outside of your house?
What’s made him curious?
I think you should be quizzing his grandparents and cousins.

AnneField · 09/05/2019 23:05

OK, his childhood is neither ruined or over because he's seen some porn. Where there are boys, there is often porn and all the internet controls in the world won't stop a friend or classmate showing him some on their phone. Rather than pretending it doesn't exist, why not use this discovery to open a discussion on how porn is not representative of normal relationships?

AnneField · 09/05/2019 23:07

Ghana the boy has his own phone, he's obviously using other people's wifi to access the porn on his own mobile.

Dieu · 09/05/2019 23:08

It'll be curiosity. My daughter did the same at his age. Not ideal, and I berated myself for it too. He'll be ok Thanks

Original poster
helpmumof3 · 09/05/2019 23:09

Just for clarification at his grandparents house we were there visiting a couple of weekends ago, I knew he was on his phone playing games but obviously I hadn't thought to check what internet controls were in place. I think he was probably really bored as he didn't want to come and visit as there is nothing to do and my parents were actually working most of the time so he was stuck with me. Looking at the times of the searches it was all about 11pm when we all would of been asleep.

Cousins house - i guess it's because they are teenage boys in year 7 ?

OP posts:
Mintandthyme · 09/05/2019 23:15

First of all he is 11 years old so not a teenager yet.
You need to check his phone every day - not just random spot checks.
You tell him you are checking and if he has deleted his search history then the smart phone is gone and he will be using a non-smart phone for calls and texting.

Madwomanuptheroad · 09/05/2019 23:16

Internet controls do not stop kids from watching unsuitable content. All they need to do is download a VPN and they can access anything.
Same with software/parental controls on mobile devices. A child can simply reset their phone and it is all gone.
Most children will be fully aware of that before year 7.
There is no really secure way of controlling children's internet access with mobile/portable devices.

Mintandthyme · 09/05/2019 23:17

Meant to say also that you instigate a rule that phones are not taken to bedrooms at night. They are to be left downstairs or if you feel that is too much temptation take them into your room.

JustLooking2019 · 09/05/2019 23:17

What phone has he got?
On my son’s phones I have put parental restrictions on so this type of thing can not be searched for, no matter who’s WiFi they are on. It just comes up with access restricted

NaomifromMilkshake · 09/05/2019 23:18

We caught our DS doing this in YR7, we had a chat, we made him repeat the mantra.. more than once, to the point where he was close to tears... In YR7 that only took about three repetitions...

It went like this, that girl was...........

Someones granddaughter

Someones daughter

Someones niece

Someones sister

Some abused drug addict working for her next fix... Sad

He is now 18 and I know it has worked, because I overheard one of his friends being flippant about something related, and he repeated the mantra and he didn't know I could hear them.

JustLooking2019 · 09/05/2019 23:19

They can’t reset their phone as they don’t know the account password. Also leave their phones downstairs at bedtime

Unicornshopkeeper · 09/05/2019 23:20

Have a look at Google Family Link. As well as restricting access it enables you to set bedtimes, limit usage per day, track where they are and lock their phones e.g. you need to go in the shower now, you've got 5 mins and then your phone goes off

ASauvignonADay · 09/05/2019 23:21

I agree it's a good opportunity to talk about porn - how it isn't representative of normal relationships and how women are exploited in its production.
I'd also insist on the phone being handed over at bed time

Original poster
helpmumof3 · 09/05/2019 23:22

Wow Naomi thanks that's a really powerful mantra, and good ideas about the phones downstairs.

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RedTrek · 09/05/2019 23:22

Check out this site for tips for parents on how to deal with raising children in the age of internet pornography. I hope it helps you and your son. It's a project headed by Gail Dines, anti-porn campaigner - she knows what she is talking about and approaches the subject in a calm and understanding way. Basically you cannot simply rely on using technology to keep children away from porn, as you have found out - you have to work to build resilience against porn culture to help them understand and process anything they might have seen and to make healthy choices in the future.

www.culturereframed.org/

NaomifromMilkshake · 09/05/2019 23:22

Added to which we then invoked BT parental controls and the phonehad to be handed over by 8.00pm.

He also until recently thought that routers could be interrogated.

Justlikedevon · 09/05/2019 23:23

Not trying to imply you are overreacting- the internet is literally a hotbed of nasty, but.... when you were 11, did you honestly never look up sex in the dictionary, or find what 'shit' was in your French dictionary? Kids do this stuff. It was the littlewoods catalogue for my brother in 1984. It is awful that it is so accessible at such a graphic level, but lock down parental controls as much as possible, chat openly where you can and don't freak if you find it, educate where you can.

Madwomanuptheroad · 09/05/2019 23:24

To do a hard reset on a phone you do not need a password and if you download a VPN any of the wifi settings on the router can be bypassed.
I did not think it was possible until my children showed me..

user1473878824 · 09/05/2019 23:27

@NaomifromMilkshake your Y7 son cried because you got him to say “some abused drug addict working for her next fix” and that really hit home for him? Okay.
I think it’s a great idea but bit weird you made your son repeat that until he cried.

Original poster
helpmumof3 · 09/05/2019 23:30

I'm upset and whilst I may be 'over reacting' I struggle as he's my first to be firm whilst wanting him to feel that he can come to me and talk about anything.

I am really open about my attitude to alcohol, drugs, smoking and we often discuss the affects, in fact last night we had s chat whilst doing the dishwasher about alcohol and a relative with alcohol problems. but I guess having a discussion about porn / sex is not as easy as a don't do drugs

I don't want to fly off the handle with him, but I want him to know that there are boundaries

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AnneField · 09/05/2019 23:36

did you honestly never look up sex in the dictionary, or find what 'shit' was in your French dictionary?

Now that has made me laugh, I remember 'merde' well! There was also a dog eared copy of 'Forever' which was passed around all the first years Grin

RedTrek · 09/05/2019 23:37

You're not overreacting to be upset. Don't let anyone tell you it's no big deal. However, it is not your son's fault that he has to grow up in this world. You didn't prepare him in advance but you can start working to help him navigate this today.

NaomifromMilkshake · 09/05/2019 23:38

@NaomifromMilkshake

Worked for us........

The first time he was caught out and defiant, the second time unsure of himself and his convictions, the third time he started to cry, we asked him to go through to the end, we then left it.
It is hardly War and Peace. Hmm

As I said, worked for us.

Make no apologies.

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