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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just told dp he’s a bad dad

41 replies

Raggerty54 · 09/05/2019 22:03

I really regret saying it now but it’s what I’ve been thinking. I suppose what I really meant is that he’s a bad partner. I told him that he’s good for making the baby laugh and making up his bottles but he doent do anything else. Dp has left to go for a walk.

Ds is nearly 5 months old (no other kids). I’ve just had enough. I feel overwhelmed. I do just about everything and makes a big deal out of doing one or two things that I do all the time.

Dp lost his job 2 months ago and was prattling on about the pollution in the area and asking me why I wasn’t concerned etc. He’d obviously been doing a lot of research- which angered me more because I literally don’t have the time to think about these things. He basically told me that he was going to find a job in a different area as this area is dangerous for ds (it’s really not- think large town). He comes from the countryside and we have a lot of arguments about this issue as I grew up near this area. Anyway, I’m just angry that he seems to be calling the shots.

Yesterday, I managed to clean the house, take ds to his baby groups and complete a job application (literally with the baby in my arms). When dp is applying for job he is left to it because it’s considered important. After I’d finished the application I was trying to get ds to bed, which is a nightmare. He cried on and off for nearly an hour. I cried with him. I even left him in his cot to cry for 5 minutes while I cried on the bed. In the end I came downstairs as I was getting really frustrated. Dp was “cooking” (ovening) dinner. He asked me what the hell I was doing downstairs and to go up to the baby. I was furious, I actually thought he might offer to help.

I suppose I’m resentful. I’m constantly picking up after Dp. He used the washing machine for the first time in his life today using my written instructions while I went or with baby.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. I know IABU for saying that as he’s not a bad dad just not a great partner. I just feel so stuck. He’s still not back.

OP posts:
Raggerty54 · 09/05/2019 22:05

*sorry it doesn’t quite make sense but I’m all over the place

OP posts:
SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 09/05/2019 22:05

He is a bad dad and he's a shit partner! I don't blame you for snapping OP. You sound exhausted, both physically and mentally.

ferntwist · 09/05/2019 22:06

He’s not a good dad or a good partner. You don’t have anything to feel sorry about.

mynameiscalypso · 09/05/2019 22:07

So he's not working? But you're doing everything at home and taking DS to baby groups etc? What's he doing all day? He does sound like a shit dad.

PregnantSea · 09/05/2019 22:08

I don't think YABU, it sounds like he isn't being a good dad at all at the moment. He should be doing so much more than he is. While he's not working you should be splitting all the childcare and housework 50/50

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 09/05/2019 22:08

At the moment he is being a bad dad- because he's certainly not being a good one, is he?

And now he's having a tantrum and sulking, who's looking after your son? Not him. You've hurt his feelings by pointing out the truth- he'll get over it.

Flowers for you OP because you sound like you have everything going on and are doing it all alone.

He needs a kick up the hole.

lancslass17 · 09/05/2019 22:10

Go out for the day and leave baby with dad. He needs to realise whats involved. Mine only realised when I went back to work and he had spl. Now if i need an hour out its not an issue xx

Squirrelblanket · 09/05/2019 22:10

Part of being a good dad is in him supporting you. So no, I don't think you were unreasonable. You sound really overwhelmed and unhappy.

Raggerty54 · 09/05/2019 22:11

Thank you everyone. He’s back now and I told him I don’t think he’s a bad dad but in reality he hasn’t been supporting me. And yes, he’s been home and I don’t know what he does while I’m out with the baby. He spends a lot of time on his phone watching videos.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 09/05/2019 22:11

Why don’t you say it’s your turn to put baby to bed. Or here’s the baby I’m having a bath. Or hey I’ve got stuff to do see you later - don’t forget to feed baby lunch! And so on. It’s 50/50 if you’re both at home. Be tough, and be fair.

CallMeOnMyCell · 09/05/2019 22:12

Good! He is a crap dad and partner. I hope it gives him a wake up call!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 09/05/2019 22:13

What I don’t understand is how your adult DP used the washing machine today for the first time in his life! That alone is nuts!!

TooMinty · 09/05/2019 22:18

He's a bad parent, a bad partner and a bad adult. Why can't he operate a washing machine?! Or put his own baby to bed? He needs to step up or you might as well leave him and be a single parent. You're doing everything anyway and at least you wouldn't get annoyed seeing him do nothing.

Leeds2 · 09/05/2019 22:32

He really should be helping you 50/50 with your baby, and around the house, if he isn't working. And his job applications aren't more important than yours. Bear in mind that if you get a job first, he will - at least at first - be a SAHD so he needs to know how to look after your little one.

specterlitt · 09/05/2019 22:39

Have you actually tried talking to him about how you're feeling so that he has an insight into what is going on with you? Perhaps that is the best way to go forward instead of feeling resentful internally. Speak up and help him understand so he can be a better partner for you, that's the way to deal with this. Best of luck.

RSAcre · 09/05/2019 23:01

He asked me what the hell I was doing downstairs and to go up to the baby.

Jeez. Get him & his double standards. Why wasn't HE upstairs with the baby? Does he ever do the putting to bed routine? Is he ever in tears on the bed due to the unmitigated exhaustion of putting a baby to bed?

I think you need to start demanding more equal shares, but if he is a sulker (gone out instead of dealing with the immediate problem) & a bossy boots, I'm not sure how far you will get.

Is he usually this unreasonable, or is this a one-off?

EKGEMS · 10/05/2019 01:29

Sweetie,you need to go on Amazon and order a Webster's dictionary because you are unfortunately confused as what the definition of "good" is cause it sure isn't your shitty partner! Who the fuck is he that he tells you to go back upstairs to the baby? Who died and made him God? Nope.Never.Ever would I be with anyone who ordered me around

Graphista · 10/05/2019 02:05

It sounds like you were almost apologetic when he came back - why?!

He's being a lazy useless shit and he needs calling on that! Well actually he shouldn't NEED calling on that because it shouldn't be bloody happening!

Time for clear words to be had! Utterly ridiculous that a grown ass man and father can't operate a washing machine and isn't doing half the work at home with house and baby considering he's not currently working.

You cannot go on like this you'll end up ill.

VimFuego101 · 10/05/2019 02:20

YANBU at all. He's not even remotely pulling his weight.

jameswong · 10/05/2019 02:47

Serious question: when you started dating him, what did you find attractive about his personality, lifestyle, ambitions and prospects?

StuckInsideAnEcho · 10/05/2019 02:58

Fucking hell.
You've tried to sugar coat it but even with my eyes closed I'd read through the sugar and see just how awful he is.
He needs to step up or fuck off.
I'm so sorry. I know what it's like being with a manchild.

Limpshade · 10/05/2019 03:12

You told him the truth and the truth hurts.

It shouldn't be up to you to tell him what to do, but it is.

"Here you are, DP [hand baby over] - I've run the bath, you guys have fun!"

"OK, I'm off out for a short walk, see you in X minutes!"

"Baby needs some fresh air I think. Bag is packed, see you later!"

Walkaround · 10/05/2019 03:28

You both sound depressed, tbh. Sounds like he's lost his sense of purpose and is focusing on all the wrong things (how unhappy he is with his environment) and you are overwhelmd with the responsibility of having a small baby and a dp who is not pulling his weight. Why are you applying for jobs? Were you not working before you got pregnant? What was the original deal between the two of you and why did your dp lose his job?

idbenappingbutthedogbarked · 10/05/2019 03:51

He's a useless dad and a bad partner. YANBU

Dualmum · 10/05/2019 04:55

I hate men and fathers like this. They expect the woman to do everything for the children instead of taking some initiative and helping out when needed. No wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed.

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