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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Swearing at kids

44 replies

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 09/05/2019 20:00

It really really upsets me if my other half swears at our kids -he does it loud enough they can hear, always in anger and quite regularly. He also shouts quite a lot. They’ve always done something to prompt it- being silly, not listening etc but it shocks and upsets them. I’ve very occasionally sworn under my breath out of frustration but never at them. Also I try not to raise my voice and if I do it is controlled not yelling out of rage.
He struggles with mental health and is currently in a difficult place where he is v stressed. I’ve said before that if he keeps doing this it will be a problem and he promised to address it but happened again tonight.
AIBU to be this upset about it- and what can I do?

OP posts:
hazell42 · 09/05/2019 20:05

How old are they? 8? Bang out of order. 18? Well, not so Terrible.
I swear quite often at my grown up kids but never in anger more in a sarcastic jokey way.
They have so far survived

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 09/05/2019 20:16

5 and 8

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 09/05/2019 20:17

The 8 year old often gets it directed at him. He’s got SN that means he admittedly sometimes pushes all the buttons- he can be defiant and difficult. But he gets really scared by sudden loud noises so it upset him the most

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 09/05/2019 20:18

Shouting and swearing at young children is appalling behaviour.

LuckyAmy1986 · 09/05/2019 20:19

That was really sad to read OP

cottonwoolmouth · 09/05/2019 20:20

It’s horrible.

A family member does it her kids. And I’d say it was abuse. Kids shouldn’t be ground down like that

octonoughtcake3 · 09/05/2019 20:22

It’s emotional abuse.

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 09/05/2019 20:34

He makes me feel like I’m overreacting if I bring it up. It’s very difficult to know what to do about it other than tell him I don’t want to be with someone who does that?

OP posts:
HolesinTheSoles · 09/05/2019 20:37

I think that's terrible behaviour to direct at young kids. He needs to agree to just walk away and calm down if he can't control his temper.

Hadalifeonce · 09/05/2019 20:41

My SiL used to 'F' at her son from the time he was about 6, DH & I used to be appalled at this. Guess what, 10 years later he's 'F ing' at her and she doesn't like it. We really can't work out how she can possibly be surprised that this has come around to bite her.

LuckyAmy1986 · 09/05/2019 20:43

It must be difficult for you if he just says he will try and change but doesn’t. Would you leave it he doesn’t stop? Maybe spelling that out to him might make it more urgent to him to get help
Or to work on himself

mayde · 09/05/2019 20:45

This is sad. I bet he doesn't see it as a problem.

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 09/05/2019 20:55

He sees himself as a good man trying his best under enormous stress and me as picking holes rather than supporting - I guess there’s truth in both but kids have to come first

OP posts:
cottonwoolmouth · 09/05/2019 21:06

What about

‘If you speak to my kids like that again you can get out’

Original poster
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 09/05/2019 21:09

Well that’s the trouble - I’ve said that before and now we are here. And I still feel stuck because he does have MH issues so- how much of it is controllable?

OP posts:
Copperandtod · 09/05/2019 21:11

There is no excusing his behaviour. It is appalling. You are just as bad for allowing it

Langrish · 09/05/2019 21:14

Nope, not on. Don’t be surprised when school get in touch about them swearing.

Would he consider parenting or anger management sessions? Actually, don’t give him a choice.

Oblomov19 · 09/05/2019 21:22

I've done it a couple of times at ds's. I disagree. I don't think it's abusive.

Copperandtod · 09/05/2019 21:24

“Don’t worry children. Daddy has mental health issues. That’s the reason he shouts and swears at you.... so run along now......”

So what if he has MH issues. Not a reason. Not an excuse. Absolutely no justification for abusing children in this way

Langrish · 09/05/2019 21:26

Oblomov19

“I've done it a couple of times at ds's. I disagree. I don't think it's abusive.”

That’s kind of why it’s called verbal abuse.

novasglowx · 09/05/2019 21:38

There's a massive difference between the adult and the child. Swearing at a child is not acceptable. I actually find it disgusting. Yes we all get stressed out but there's a limit! I hear it often where I live and it's no surprise that the child grows up with no respect. I'm almost 30 and would never swear in conversation with my DM. I've never sworn in front of my DD. Her DF has. Since she's heard that, I've taught her that you don't use that language in conversation. I appreciate that as she grows up, she'll use it with her friends. It's a matter of respect and people still behaving in a civilised manner, standards aren't what they were unfortunately.

oneforthepain · 09/05/2019 21:54

He makes me feel like I’m overreacting if I bring it up.

This is also emotional abuse. He knows what he's doing.

You've asked him to change. He's promised to do so. He hasn't. This has repeated several times by the sounds of it.

Since he's not prepared to change, do you feel able and/or willing to force the kind of change that means your children aren't being subjected to this? Is that why you posted?

Mental health issues or not, the rest of you should not be held hostage to this kind of treatment. Illness is not an excuse to abuse people, and nobody has to put up with it.

You must all be walking on eggshells, which cannot be a nice way to live. Home should feel safe.

ginnylicious12 · 09/05/2019 22:36

Theyy've always done something to prompt it

If they have done something to prompt it then it is not abuse.

However I think it is disrespectful and unpleasant. If you would not treat an adult that way, why treat a child that way?

Copperandtod · 09/05/2019 22:46

If they’ve done something to prompt it it is not abuse?

Are you serious? That’s a ridiculous thing to say about a child

Mintandthyme · 09/05/2019 22:49

Are they his children ?