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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoying bitchy workmate

59 replies

handbagfettish · 09/05/2019 17:43

I get on with almost everyone in work - about 20 people in total - have been there more years than I care to mention. I have built up my role over the years and been promoted by asking lots of questions, doing qualifications and generally working hard. I have one colleague who has also been there for years. Her role has never changed over the years and has in fact decreased slightly in that she is losing confidence so doesn't get as much responsibility. This irks me somewhat in that I get these jobs to do. The main issue I have is the bitchy comments she makes to me. When I say something to her she says "really" in a sarcastic tone. She also says some of the things I do or say are "sad". She has also commented loudly several times over the years "imagine being married to that". For context she has never married or actually lived with anyone. I try not to let her bother me but it's getting to the stage where everything I say she makes a sarky comment. I love it when she is on holiday - I just feel so much better. She also assumes we are on the same wage ever though I have far more responsibility and I have negotiated pay rises and bonuses. Maybe she has found out about this?

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 09/05/2019 18:19

There have been times when I have called her out on what she says and it just makes it more awkward.

What happens? Have you fixed her with a calm gaze and just said 'I beg your pardon?'

ControversialFerret · 09/05/2019 18:31

Be completely professional with her - no chit chat, don't engage. If she makes comments then act as if nobody said anything and completely ignore it.

One of two things will happen - she'll realise that as there is no reaction then there's no point in trying to bait you. Or she'll escalate and do something really batshit to try and get a response, in which case you then have something concrete to take to your boss and insist that something's done.

Original poster
handbagfettish · 09/05/2019 18:31

I will give you a for instance of what she is like. A few years ago she said to me "I didn't know you were off next week". I told her it was on the holiday calendar (which everyone else uses). She said she doesn''t work with that (!!) - at that point I said to her that the boss had given me the permission to take the holiday and that I wasn't going round to check with everyone in the building (it is on a first come first served basis on the caledar). That did shut her up!

OP posts:
Iris1654 · 09/05/2019 18:34

I’d just pick her up on it, every time.
Practice at home.
Tilt head “ sorry what do you mean by that”
“ that’s really rude, what do you mean”
Etc.

It will stop her.

wizzywig · 09/05/2019 18:35

Is that bullying? Im in a similar situation op and never thought of it like that

Original poster
handbagfettish · 09/05/2019 18:37

wizzywig neither did I. I just assumed she didn't like me, which is fair enough - can't be liked by everyone!

OP posts:
wizzywig · 09/05/2019 18:39

My pita work colleague sits next to me unfortunately so i have to put up with her incessant shit all day

MumW · 09/05/2019 18:41

Can you give her some proverbial rope and let her hang herself?

Original poster
handbagfettish · 09/05/2019 18:44

MumW I could but it's not in my nature.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 18:48

You are going to have to act against your nature some how. Or drown my under the weight of it.

It really is your choice.

ForalltheSaints · 09/05/2019 18:56

Challenge her comments (as you did over the holiday conversation), and if they persist, think if this should be taken up formally.

CoraPirbright · 09/05/2019 18:59

I think its time to make it your nature!!

I mean its no great mystery, is it? She is horribly jealous of you! You are married, have sons with whom you have a great relationship, have worked hard and been promoted at work.......she is bitter, lazy, incompetent and you being in front of her all day is an example of what she could have been like and isn’t. So she resents you.

She is a horrible bully. I would subtly start working towards her moving to a different area/department......company!!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 19:02

Did you mean to be so rude?Let’s be clear only on mn is it withering putdown
Meanwhile in real life if you say that to an obnoxious bully it won’t lead to an apology or sudden cessation of comments It’ll go like this
Did you mean to be so rude?
Yes I did...and....

Bluetrews25 · 09/05/2019 19:05

Life is short.
How about looking for another job as nothing seems to be changing where you are?

MissConductUS · 09/05/2019 19:07

I think it may be perversely tied to the fact that she relies on your help and support to do her job. That makes her quite vulnerable and she can't be happy about it. Constantly tearing you down probably makes her feel less threatened by you. It "puts you in your place" as it were.

It's an awful situation. Getting rid of a person like this usually requires reorganizing duties to make them redundant.

Boffing · 09/05/2019 19:23

Start to log it and take to HR or your boss.

dottiedodah · 09/05/2019 19:28

As my Father in law used to say "theres always one dear"!.some fly in the ointment ,when everyone else gets on well together .If you try to ignore her then that doesnt work .Maybe speak to your boss on confidence about it.You are the senior member of staff so it may be shes jealous of you,but you should get back up regarding the workload surely?.As far as sarky comments go she sounds like a "sad case"tbh .Some of these comments are rather loaded ,just try and play her at her own game if you can ,not easy I know !

bringbacksideburns · 09/05/2019 19:42

It's not banter. It's not you over reacting. She's a bully and she's bullying you and you are letting her.

When she said ' imagine being married to that." What is the response from everyone else? Hmm

I'm just trying to imagine anyone on our team speaking like that to someone and getting away with It. It just wouldn't happen.

I agree you need to log everything and record anything you can remember that has happened and if there were any witnesses.

In the meantime don't let anything she says to you go unchallenged in future.
And if it continues you need to report it to HR.
It's appalling.

Siameasy · 09/05/2019 19:42

You are letting her know too much about your life. Also with the holiday thing - stuff like that remember “don’t apologise don’t explain”. That is my motto with bullies.
Also never rush to reply - repeat what they said back to them “ok so you think I’m sad have I got that right?” And this gives you time to think. Repeating it a few times “oh, X thinks I’m sad. How strange” “X is a bit strange oh dear are you ok X” - it will help you centre yourself

GabsAlot · 09/05/2019 19:53

ik agree with siameasy dont explain yurself just repeat it back aqs a question see what happens then

Squigglesworth · 09/05/2019 20:04

I'd interact with her as little as possible-- just as much as your work requires.

Try not to care what she thinks about you. She sounds awful, so why should you care what she thinks?

Definitely keep track of her bullying behavior, and speak to HR about it, if it doesn't improve.

...And personally, with someone that nasty, I wouldn't feel guilty about giving her opportunities to fail or show her true colours in ways that the company/boss/whoever would see and (possibly) take more seriously than they've taken your previous complaints.

Original poster
handbagfettish · 09/05/2019 20:07

Thanks everyone - there have been a couple of occasions where she has really upset people but no one challenges her on it.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 09/05/2019 20:14

The thing about not using the holiday calendar just sounds like she’s a bit dim, but saying “imagine being married to that?” Wtf? Hmm

Who did she say that in front of? If you have witnesses, especially, that should be a written warning or something imho.

BMW6 · 09/05/2019 20:15

Ask her if she wants some salt and vinegar to go with the chip on her shoulder.

pheonixrebirth · 09/05/2019 21:42

@handbagfettish exactly what @CoraPirbright said. It's time to make it your nature.
I was exactly the same as you in that I can generally get along with anyone, I'm also people pleaser, hate conflict and any general discord with anyone.

Things have changed dramatically since I met my partner. He has instilled a confidence in me that I've never had before. For nearly 40 years I was a doormat, but how things change!

I had a couple of situations going on that I kept trying to ignore just I was told to growing up. However there really are people in life are simply out and out bully's.

My partner said to me it's 20 seconds of madness and they will never come at you again.

The only reason this bully does and says these things to you is because she knows you will take it! I'm sure as shit she would never take on a much stronger personality/character than herself.

On a personal note- my mantra is
"Get comfortable with being uncomfortable", and also making someone else feel uncomfortable. I hate conflict but when I actually got my words out and said to the person making my life hell
" go on, tell me why you would even dream of saying such an awful thing to me". And then sat patiently and intently waiting for there reply, it was kind of a glorious moment because we could both see that I would never take her crap ever again.

I got a few bitchy glances but the second I stared right back at her she backed right off again. I've had a peaceful place of work since then, and I feel so much better for standing my ground. I also feel more respected by my co workers. They know I'm a good person and don't want conflict but now they also know that I can stick up for myself. Good luck with this particularly nasty piece of work.

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