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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - child maintenance

53 replies

babynumber2onboard · 09/05/2019 14:36

Dear MNers

I have a little issue with my 8 years old son's Dad. We haven't been together since my DS was around 2 years old. Since then, we have had an arrangement where we have DS for half the week each. I started claiming child maintenance from him 2 years ago, and the CSA decided that due to the amount of time he spends with him, he has to pay £116 a month.

For the last 2 years, DS received free school dinners (not because of low income, but a council initiative. This year, I have had to start paying for them. DS never eats the food that the school serve, so I give him packed lunches on the days that he is with me. His father makes him have school dinners. So far, I have paid £150 for the school dinners which he is having on the days when he is with his father (this is alongside me paying for the packed lunch ingredients).

I asked his father today if he could start paying for the dinners which DS has on the days he is with him. He replied that he gives me £116 a month so that is him being financially responsible for his son, and that should cover all food, clothes, drinks, days out, which DS does throughout the year.

I pay for DS to go to cubs, and all the trips and camps which they do there, and his father doesn't take him to any group activity.

Am I being unreasonable in asking for him to contribute to the dinner money?

OP posts:
user1468348545 · 09/05/2019 14:40

My first port of call would be the csa to explain the situation and see if they can take that into account, as the reason hes paying a reduced amount is due to the costs he incurs on his time. Therefore he should be supplying it. They may or may not be able to offer advice.
That's the only suggestion I can offer.

Islands81 · 09/05/2019 14:41

So he only has school dinners on the days he’s with his dad? In that case I’d just stop paying for them, and tell your ex he needs to make arrangements for those days his child is his responsibility on those days.

Though tbh, if he has him 50% of the time it seems a little unfair that he pays maintenance at all, so I can kind of see his point.

user1468348545 · 09/05/2019 14:41

Or maybe explain to the school that he needs to be billed for those days not you?

ems137 · 09/05/2019 14:44

I would tell the school that you send DS with packed lunches and it's dad that does school dinners, therefore it's him who needs the bill.

However, if it really is totally 50/50 shared time then you shouldn't actually be receiving maintenance. Or else he could also put in a claim for maintenance off you as well couldn't he?

Littleduckeggblue · 09/05/2019 14:45

If it's 50:50 custody then I think you should be paying for the lunches with the maintenance?

adaline · 09/05/2019 14:46

If you have 50/50 care, he shouldn't be paying you any maintenance at all.

So I think he's right to say his money goes towards school dinners.

Original poster
babynumber2onboard · 09/05/2019 14:48

it isn't technically 50:50 custody, I have custody and he has visitation. Across the year it works out he is at my house slightly more than he is visiting his Dad

OP posts:
Littleduckeggblue · 09/05/2019 14:52

I agree with his Dad

booboo82 · 09/05/2019 14:53

mate seriously stop claiming the money and be grateful your child has a loving committed father!

adaline · 09/05/2019 14:55

Pretty sure there isn't such a thing as child custody in the UK anymore?

Ratbagcatbag · 09/05/2019 14:55

I agree with you, he should pay for the times he's responsible for him, That's why he pays a reduction in maintenance, to allow for him covering the costs he has him.

I'd tell him that your stopping school dinners as your DS goes in with a packed lunch, if he disagrees then he can set up billing directly with the school forbthose days as he's responsible for him.

SmellMySmellbow · 09/05/2019 14:56

If 50% of cubs costs and 50% of school dinners, and 50% of whatever other necessity you pay for exclusively is less than £116 a month then leave it.

Knitclubchatter · 09/05/2019 15:21

Help me out here; on your days your son eats a packed lunch. On his days son eats school lunch as dad doesn’t do packed lunch?
Wouldn’t the easiest option be to follow suit and have your child eat the school lunch?
Barring this the real issue is you don’t have much spare money if £100 a month has you complaining on MN. No amount of £ truly makes up for the cost of raising a child.

lyralalala · 09/05/2019 15:28

50:50 doesn't always mean a nil payment. Especially when over the year it doesn't work out completely equal.

CMS will be taking into account the costs when he is with his Dad. If wants to send him for school dinners on his time he should be paying - it's up to him to feed the child on his days.

Remind him that's the contribution to his share of the time you have your DS above the 50% and he needs to either provide a packed lunch or pay for school dinners on his days.

Wouldn’t the easiest option be to follow suit and have your child eat the school lunch?

Surely, given the cost and the fact the child doesn't eat the lunch anyway, the easiest option would be for the father to provide his child with a packed lunch?

NameChangeNugget · 09/05/2019 15:33

If 50% of cubs costs and 50% of school dinners, and 50% of whatever other necessity you pay for exclusively is less than £116 a month then leave it

My thoughts exactly

Original poster
babynumber2onboard · 09/05/2019 15:40

@knitclubchatter... I'm not complaining I'm simply asking if I am being unreasonable. And my son doesn't eat the school dinners so it wouldn't make sense to follow suit

@booboo82... if only love was enough to raise a child on Hmm

@adaline... okay 'residence order'

I'm just interested to see other people's views. The CSA obviously have all the details on how much time DS spends with both of us and that's how the amount he pays has been worked out. I just think it unfair that he feels that he gives me £118 and that should cover every expense incurred for the entire month. He even thinks that the £118 should cover the food and drink DS has when he's at his house...as in I should provide them and send them to his Dad's with it

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 09/05/2019 15:47

The £118 should help towards the time he is with you, NOT when he is with his Dad. After all, he has a reduction in the payment to allow for the time he is with his Dad, to enable him to provide for him there. I would tell the school you will pay one last bill (after all it is not their fault) and that after this, you will not pay any more. Put this in writing, letting your ex know you have done this. Then he will have two choices, to either pay it himself or provide a packed lunch.

lyralalala · 09/05/2019 15:48

He even thinks that the £118 should cover the food and drink DS has when he's at his house...as in I should provide them and send them to his Dad's with it

He clearly hasn't grasped what maintenance actually is. Sounds like he thinks his entire contribution to your DS should be £118 a month.

Waveysnail · 09/05/2019 16:09

Your on 50:50 bit confused why hes paying u anything. So you get £20 a wk child benefit and then dads maintenance at £30 a week. Shouldn't £50 a week cover clubs and school meals.

blackteasplease · 09/05/2019 16:13

It doesn't sound like this man is fit to have 50:50 residence/contact tbh!

If he thinks that £118 is half of the total required to meet a child's needs!

glenthebattleostrich · 09/05/2019 16:15

Some people are unbelievable.

The maintenance has been calculated assuming the father is paying for things like school meals, food at his house and clothing etc for when the child is in his father's care.

TheInvestigator · 09/05/2019 16:19

Tell the school that his father is responsible for paying on his the and you send packed lunches. Provide the school with his details if they don't have them already so they can chase him for the debt.

Stop paying them. He gets a reduced rate because he needs to pay for those things on his days.

ArnoldBee · 09/05/2019 16:20

Given that your ex is paying that amount of money per month on a 50:50 agreement then the calculation may be actually incorrect or he is a high earner. Yes maintenance is reduced to take into account the parent that has the child on those days should cover the child's costs.

It's not the schools fault that the child's parents can't sort themselves out and do not put them in that position. Have you both checked that you're not entitled to fan?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/05/2019 16:23

Why does your DS eat school dinners on his dad’s days but not yours?

user2928362 · 09/05/2019 16:24

£116 seems a lot if he has the child almost 50/50 in all honesty. Let's say the child is with the OP 4 days a week and the dad 3 days a week. In this case, the £116 should be 50% of the cost of one day per week if the parents were contributing equally (as the dad also has 100% of the costs of the 3 days the child is with him). For this to be true the cost of a child would have to be over £1600 a month which is clearly more than the true cost in the vast majority of cases. Thats not to say that the OP should be paying for lunches on the days the child is with the father but more generally that the CMS deductions (1/7th per night instead of the fairer 2/7ths) for time spent with the father are not really large enough to encourage contact and in many cases actually make increasing contact financially impossible for the non resident parent.

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