AIBU - child maintenance

[babynumber2onboard]

Dear MNers

I have a little issue with my 8 years old son's Dad. We haven't been together since my DS was around 2 years old. Since then, we have had an arrangement where we have DS for half the week each. I started claiming child maintenance from him 2 years ago, and the CSA decided that due to the amount of time he spends with him, he has to pay £116 a month.

For the last 2 years, DS received free school dinners (not because of low income, but a council initiative. This year, I have had to start paying for them. DS never eats the food that the school serve, so I give him packed lunches on the days that he is with me. His father makes him have school dinners. So far, I have paid £150 for the school dinners which he is having on the days when he is with his father (this is alongside me paying for the packed lunch ingredients).

I asked his father today if he could start paying for the dinners which DS has on the days he is with him. He replied that he gives me £116 a month so that is him being financially responsible for his son, and that should cover all food, clothes, drinks, days out, which DS does throughout the year.

I pay for DS to go to cubs, and all the trips and camps which they do there, and his father doesn't take him to any group activity.

Am I being unreasonable in asking for him to contribute to the dinner money?

@AnneLovesGilbert

OP made it quite clear that her son doesn't eat the food so it's cheaper for her to send packed lunches which he might eat rather that pay for school meals which he doesn't eat.

His father can't be arsed making packed lunches and won't buy the ingredients so sends his son to school with no packed lunch. This means the school serve him a school dinner, which he may or may not eat, and OP is stuck with the bill.

It's the dad who is choosing to send him for school dinners so his dad should pay. Its his day.

If 50% of cubs costs and 50% of school dinners, and 50% of whatever other necessity you pay for exclusively is less than £116 a month then leave it*

This!

Stop ordering the school dinners. Our school allows you to order weekly and specify by day. If nothing else and you don't trust your Ex to do it only order for the days you don't send in packed lunch

Sorry I misread. Stop ordering full stop. Tell your Ex that will happen.

I would put the maintenance, matched by an equal sum from you, and child benefit into a separate account, and pay for cubs, school lunches, school trips, school uniform etc out of that. Effectively forcing a joint payment of all joint expenses, but managed by you.

And then you support your son when he is with you, and your ex supports your son when he is with him.

That way you are both equally supporting your joint child.

Is no one reading this? The ex doesn't want to pay for anything during his time. He even expects OP to send over the food the boy will eat whilst at dad's house! Dad should be either making packed lunches or providing lunch money on his days but he isn't. And you all just say OP should pay for it?

OP will be the one buying all the clothes. She pays for all the activities. She provides lunch on her days. He needs to provide the lunch during his days.

You send food with him to his Dads? Wtaf?
Just don't do it, he's nuts.

I would take it out of the child maintenance as you have 50/50 arrangement.

Tell the school that his father is responsible for paying on his the and you send packed lunches. Provide the school with his details if they don't have them already so they can chase him for the debt

^^Agree with this. Stop paying and get the school to bill DS's father.

If your days are fixed, e.g. MTW each week, only put him in club on your days.

Is no one reading this? No, I don't think they are.

Ex has his CM reduced as he has his DC often.

Ex sees the reduided amount he pays as ALL the money his DC costs him, ever! So he pays for nothing when DC is withhim, not even food it seems.

So OP has 100% of ALL costs of her DC wherever he is living.
Food
Clothing
Toys?
Activities
School Trips
Extra curricular activities
Everything

Ex gets to keep his son for one the grand sum of £27.00 per week, sme time and a bed

Yay... OP is defintiely being unreasonable!

"He even thinks that the £118 should cover the food and drink DS has when he's at his house...as in I should provide them and send them to his Dad's with it."
OP, it seems to me that you have just stated this because most posters were saying that you shouldn't be having any money from your ex if you are 50/50. You weren't getting the responses you expected so threw something else in that he is supposed to have said.

The amount your ex pays through CMS is based on his income and the amount of time he has the child.Your ex pays you £118 per month AND he also pays for when your DC is with him which I understand is almost 50% of the time. He doesn't therefore only pay £118 per month towards the child.

The £118 per month is not meant to pay for all of the costs of raising your child. You share the child. You also receive Child Benefit and are meant to pay for your share of the costs of bringing up your child.

You cannot say that your ex should pay half the costs of extra-curricular activities because then you could have a situation where one ex organises all sorts of activities just to annoy their ex and not necessarily in the best interests of the child.

Also agree with everything @Gigglinghysterically said.

I can't believe posters here think it's a reasonable request!

Talk to the school and get them to bill him.

He's clearly a reasonable earner so don't feel lucky that you get that amount. It is what It is.

And tell him that he needs to contribute to after school activities.

He sounds like an unpleasant control freak.

It's ridiculous.
I agree that you talk to the school and ask them to bill him directly.
You should not be paying for stuff when DS is with him.
I would start to add up all your outgoings for DS and then estimate his outgoings for DS.
Document it all over the next month or so.
In the meantime - tell the school to chase HIM for the lunch money.

£116 seems a lot if he has the child almost 50/50 in all honesty.

It doesn’t really matter if you or I think it’s a lot, that’s what CMS have decided based on the overnights.

I’d put money on the fact they reached this figure because of school holidays. Several of the ‘almost 50:50’ agreements I’ve seen have been term time, but the school holidays all end up falling to one person

@Gigglinghysterically

You day yourself that they need to share the costs of raising their child. So he shouldn't pay it all... But neither should she.

OP is providing lunch for her son on her days. The ex is not. He is sending the boy to school with no lunch and the OP is hit with the bill for lunches on days she is not responsible for his care.

Going by your assertions that they share the cost... does this seem like sharing the cost?

OP has the kid slightly more than her ex and will be providing all clothes and pays for all extra curricular activities so she is using the maintenance for that. Do you think she is also responsible for paying for lunches on the dad's days?

His father makes him have school dinners
You've been paying for the school dinners and he does eat them - albeit only when he's at his dads.
So either stop paying for them and his dad will be forced to deal with it - or stop pandering to ds's fussy eating.

The CSA payment will surely assume that his dad is feeding him during his time. Would it be OK for his dad to say "I pay maintenance so you have to send DS with a packed lunch when he comes to mine so I don't have to cook dinner". No.

Honestly if his dad doesn't pay for any extras the £116 a month is going to go nowhere. I bet OP pays way more than that for extra curriculars, clubs, new shoes etc. I don't know why people hold dads to such low standards.

You cannot say that your ex should pay half the costs of extra-curricular activities because then you could have a situation where one ex organises all sorts of activities just to annoy their ex and not necessarily in the best interests of the child.

How silly. Of course the costs should be shared although there should be discussion on what is done. If you don't share the cost of extras then one parent can just refuse all hobbies/school trips/anything extra and basically force the other parent to pay or the child doesn't get to do anything at all.

@SavingSpaces2019

She didn't say the kid eats them. She just said the dad makes him order it because he won't make him a packed lunch.

If I send my kid without a packed lunch on chilli day at school, he still gets a school meal but he wont eat it. You can still day that I "made him have a school dinner" but it doesn't mean that he actually eats it.

This also has nothing to do with what OP gives him. If she sends him for a school lunch, she will pay for it. If she sends him with a packed lunch, she has paid for the ingredients. Eithet way OP pays for his lunch on her day.

When he is with his dad, the man does not pay for or make a packed lunch. The man also doesn't pay for the school dinner. He sends his son into school with no lunch. The school provide a school dinner. Then he doesn't pay for it.

So on her days, she pays for lunch. On his days, he refuses to pay for lunch. And you're telling her not to pander to her son? When that has nothing to do with the issue. The problem is that she is stuck with the bill for her days and for his days. He should be paying on his days.

I have a similar situation. Ex expects me to pay everything for the child - school meals 5 days, all uniform, school trips, regardless of when they happen. If I ask him for anything he says to the child: "I give your mum money for that". As if it's a gift! So, I pay because I don't want the child to suffer, even though my finances are tight.
CSA won't help you sort out who spends what on what, I'm afraid. There doesn't seem to be any clear-cut guidance.
In your case, I agree with the posters who say simply stop paying for the dinners, as your child doesn't have them on dad's days.

Thank you to everyone who's given answers - even if they have been on the side of my ex partner. It's been helpful to see it from different POV!

To the people who have made suggestions like I'm making things up, or I give my son activities to do just to make life difficult for his father... please, I really don't have the time or the need to do that! I don't see anything wrong with my son socialising with other children once a week at Cubs!

And to whoever recommended I don't pander to my fussy child, he isn't fussy and eats better than any child I know, but I can't make sure he eats at school while I'm at work.

Finally, I don't decide how much CM his Dad gives me. I told them the circumstances, my ex agreed with what I told them and they worked it out!

If he can’t be bothered to prepare your child’s preferred option ( packed lunch) then he pays, its his day. I’d explain to school, and not pay.

The reduced maintenance payment reflects him actually paying for things on his day plus half of child’s expenditure.

Not sure I agree with the 50/50 rule, as usually one parent picks up the bulk of the cost. ( I’m betting OP pays for clothes/clubs etc)

The amount your ex pays through CMS is based on his income and the amount of time he has the child.Your ex pays you £118 per month AND he also pays for when your DC is with him which I understand is almost 50% of the time.

But he doesn't pay for the boy for when he's with him, as he not only expects OP to pay for uneaten food on his days but, more importantly, doesn't seem to care about his son going hungry. Whether the lad is a fussy eater, has sensory issues or whatever is a separate issue to be addressed. The fact is that his father is knowingly letting him go hungry all day and leaving OP to pay for wasted food that will go straight in the bin.

Who is ordering the meals, OP? If they're not being eaten, what on earth is the point in anybody paying for them? I'd refuse to order them at all, because you know your son doesn't like them and won't touch them. It's up to his dad to order and pay for the wasted meals or send him in with something he will eat.

Don't be made to feel guilty about not ordering/paying for them - the poor lad will still go hungry whether you do or don't and his dad doesn't appear to care about this basic parenting fact. Incidentally, does his dad express any surprise that the boy is always ravenous every day when he comes home from school?

He is responsible for feeding your child on his days that is why he only pays 116 if he expects you to pay his meals on these days contact cms and tell them what's going on they should then tell him it's his responsibility on his days. If he wants you to do so then tell him your son will stay home school days and spend every or every other weekend with him and financial support will be adjusted accordingly. That money is towards your child when in your care not in his. Does he expect you to pay for him taking your child out for dinner too?