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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's slightly rude to ask if a pregnancy was planned?

33 replies

Farmmum7 · 09/05/2019 10:06

We've got 2 DC already they're 9 & 7 and we're pregnant with number 3 it's taken 4 years to conceive but I hadn't told anyone we were trying but when asked I always said I'd like more.
Anyway...my OH told his sisters and he told one of his close friends our DS's godfather that we're expecting and one of his sisters and his friend both asked was it planned?! At least the friend said congratulations too but his sister didn't even do that! Am I wrong to be offended? Are they assuming this is some kind of mistake or am I just being crazy and they were just asking since they assumed we didn't want anymore?

OP posts:

Yallnotreadyforthis · 09/05/2019 10:43

I never ask, I think it's so rude. I also made it very clear that my two were planned (even if one wasn't so much) because that question would have given me rage.

Cornettoninja · 09/05/2019 10:51

I agree it’s rude, if someone has announced a pregnancy it’s a safe bet it’s happy, welcome news at that point.

I think a lot of people just don’t think about it.

Aethelthryth · 09/05/2019 10:55

Very rude. I always wished I had the nerve to ask in response: "Is it my sex life or medical history which interests you?"

Wherearemycrayons · 09/05/2019 10:57

Definitely rude. But some people don’t think about problems conceiving and assume a bigger age gap than the usual 18month - 3 years isn’t planned. It’s totally wrong and I’d never ask someone that question. So no YANBU

wildbhoysmama · 09/05/2019 11:03

I'm with you OP. Incredibly rude. I was pregnant with DC3 after 9 months with my partner (now DH). Completely overjoyed and was very much planned - I just was lucky enough to get pregnant the first month of ttc. The sheer amount of people who presumed it was unplanned and SAID as much was astounding. Perhaps because i was divorced with 2 DC already, I don't know, but I was very annoyed, especially with professional people at work who would announce it was obviously unplanned or ask very publically!

Rude.

Weathergirl1 · 09/05/2019 11:48

Yes it's rude. I think people are nosy though and don't engage their brains properly before opening their mouths 🤷

I'm braced and prepared for a comment when we go public about our first (late 30s & been married nearly 12 years) as I always told people I didn't want children in response to the 'When are you having a baby?' question. I'm planning to say something along the lines of 'Given we successfully managed not to have an accident all these years, what do you think?'

floribunda18 · 09/05/2019 11:50

Yes, it's rude. It sounds like you think the pregnant person is feckless.

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2019 11:54

Yeah I've been asked that quite a few times lol. I think people.just get verbal diorrhea.

Hairwizard · 09/05/2019 11:56

Fucking rude to ask. Nobodys fucking business if it was or not.

SneakyGremlins · 09/05/2019 11:58

Literally the only question I ask when someone announces a pregnancy is "When's it due?"

HenSolo · 09/05/2019 11:58

I’d been with my partner 15 years before we decided to have children. We were constantly asked if it was planned due to the fact we are unmarried. This pissed me off. As if after 15 years we still weren’t sure about each other and had accidentally got knocked up.

Thertruthisoutwhere · 09/05/2019 12:02

Yanbu. I am pg now so will have an 18 month gap, totally normal i think? People keep saying "i assume it wasn't planned" makes me

PinkHeartLovesCake · 09/05/2019 12:02

Yes it’s rude!

Thing is it doesn’t even matter, if they have told you they are pregnant obviously they are keeping said baby so congratulations is the only thing to say.....

My oldest 2 are 11 months apart, it was planned! One of dh work colleagues asked if it was planned and I was having a bad day with pregnancy sickness/was very grumpy so I said to her “Well we’ve been fucking each other with contraception” she looked very awkward and quickly asked if I’d like a coffee

PinkHeartLovesCake · 09/05/2019 12:03

*without not with

SandyY2K · 09/05/2019 12:05

It depends on who asks IMO.
I wouldn't have an issue if my sisters asked me...we're very close.

I asked my cousin, because she said she was done and was getting too old for more. So when I heard she was expecting, I did ask...more like... "I thought you were done with babies"

With Dsis...I didn't need to ask...her baby was 3 months and she was pregnant again. She said it wasn't planned...but I would have asked and she wouldn't have been offended.

BiBabbles · 09/05/2019 12:13

More than slightly rude. Sometimes it feels like people say the daftest things about pregnancy and babies.

The only time anything like that has ever made sense to me is when my midwife with my youngest roundabout asked the same thing with "Have you always planned to have a big family?" as it's part of her duty of care to check for concerns like reproductive coercion. I think unless there are red flags, family and friends and such should keep such questions to themselves.

ddl1 · 09/05/2019 12:14

I don't think it's slightly rude; I think it's very rude.

clutterqu33n · 09/05/2019 12:18

generally rude but depends who asks.

given that your 2 DC are older and that there will be an big age gap, people might have assumed you are done. I would not mind this question from someone close esp as 3 DC are somewhat excessive in this day and age.

VioletCharlotte · 09/05/2019 12:20

It's so rude! To ask if it's planned is basically asking if you had a mishap with your contraception! What business is this if anyone else?

FrowningFlamingo · 09/05/2019 12:22

It's definitely rude. I've just had my first child and was asked this several times.
I am married, just bought a new house in the country near our parents, have stable job etc. And I'm a doctor so you'd assume have an idea of how pregnancies happen. Still got asked

PugPupsMum · 09/05/2019 12:28

It is rude, but some people don't mean it to be.

My Dad and Boss (!!!) both asked if it was planned when I told them. I think it was just a shock comment.

applesandpears33 · 09/05/2019 12:28

I was asked this by several people at work when I was pregnant with DC1. I found it very rude and intrusive. We'd just bought a three bedroom house so I'd have thought it was obvious we wanted children.

SandyY2K · 09/05/2019 12:41

Clutter

I would not mind this question from someone close

I agree. I said the same so upthread.

badg3r · 09/05/2019 12:44

Yes I think it is very rude to ask! Congratulations OP

mabelsgarden · 09/05/2019 12:48

@Farmmum7

Very rude and intrusive. It's right up there with 'you've got 2 boys, you MUST want a girl next,' and 'you only have one, you MUST want another, she will be awfully lonely and spoilt!,' and 'no-one needs more than 2 children !' and 'you don't want children, why? You will have no-one to look after you when you're old, you are a bit selfish, you WILL change your mind.'

It's usually the same kind of nosey interfering git who asks 'is it planned?' Next time say 'no it wasn't planned. We were doing it up the bum. Didn't think you could get knocked up that way; you coulda knocked me down with a feather when I found out I was pregnant!'

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