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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy

37 replies

Regreteitherway · 09/05/2019 08:04

Sorry, posting for traffic. Not an aibu.

I really don't know what to do for the best and need some impartial advice.

Recently found out I am pregnant. Very very early days, only took the test because I was having the same symptoms as last time I was pregnant.

Recent single mum to a 1 year old. Stupidly had unprotected sex with a new man. Since found out he has a girlfriend.

Every sensible part of me is telling me I cannot keep this baby. I will have no support from the father. I am still mentally struggling from birth related PTSD and pnd. My sons father will deliberately make things difficult for me. I cannot financially support 2 children, I barely scrape by supporting 1. And I'm physically not ready for being pregnant, the sleepless nights etc etc

I know all the reasons I cannot continue with this, but I still keep thinking I can't just end this.

I know I'm stupid, I know I should have used protection. But it's done now. I just need help making this massive life changing decision because I am sure I'm going to regret it either way.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 09/05/2019 08:13

Sometimes its just a matter of picking the least worst option rather than the best option because there is no "best option" in this.

I would never ever tell anyone to have a termination and neither would I suspect anyone on here would either. Go and speak to someone irl that you trust. 2 kids under 2 will be brutally hard on your own. And go and get some proper contraception sorted out so that when you do need it you are better organised. Good luck its a rotten position to be in. Hope you can find some support.

FryTime · 09/05/2019 08:44

I'll be blunt. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, my heart genuinely goes out to you Flowers. In your circumstances I would have a termination. Think of the child you have now and your own mental health. This is not an ideal world to be a single mum with MH issues and 2 children under 2... sad but true.

If it helps, do a paper exercise, pro's and con's, don't think with your heart, think with your head, think as an outsider - consider finances, living arrangements, child care, mental health, do you have a good support network that you can turn to at any time for the next dozen years or so?

And before I get my head bitten off, I know there are many women who manage in these circumstances, and if the OP had not asked for opinions I would never give mine as it is each woman to do what is best and right for her. But she did, so I have... Wink

Hollowvictory · 09/05/2019 08:46

Best not to proceed for your own well being. 💐

Damntheman · 09/05/2019 08:53

Such a massive handhold for you Flowers

Neither choice here is a wrong choice.

whywhywhy6 · 09/05/2019 09:00

I feel for you.

If it was me in that situation I would have an early termination and counselling. As PP said, there are no good options here so I’d take the least ‘bad’ option, in my mind.

Flowers
outvoid · 09/05/2019 09:04

I feel for you OP Flowers. Try not to beat yourself up, we all make mistakes (especially contraceptive ones- literally every sexually active person ever, I assure you!).

You sound very rational. Your head has listed many reasons why termination would be for the best, your ‘heart’ (or rather emotional/sentimental part of your brain) is trying to win but I personally wouldn’t let it. I know it’s an impossible situation and will feel horrible but sometimes we all have to do things we don’t really want to do for the long term benefit.

Being pregnant with a toddler on your own will be bad enough, trying to raise a toddler and newborn alone will be ridiculously difficult. You also will potentially be stuck with two men you can’t stand for the next 18 years.

You need to think of your own mental health as well as your son. He is more important than what is currently just a blastocyst.

FourForYouGlenCoco · 09/05/2019 09:27

I can only agree with everyone else, OP. I completely believe that every woman should make the right choice for her, but you asked for opinions. I really wouldn’t do it in your shoes. I don’t envy you at all, it’s a shit position to be in, but it’s a case of ‘least worst’ option. If I were you I’d end the pregnancy and focus on building a good life for yourself and your little boy. 2 under 2 is fucking hard work under any circumstances, and will ruin any chance you have of gaining any kind of stability for a long time. It’s just not worth it.

LittleGwyneth · 09/05/2019 09:33

As PP said, there is no wrong choice here. Whatever you end up doing will be the right decision.

Original poster
Regreteitherway · 09/05/2019 10:15

Thank you

Frytime- my head can't think of any pros to carrying in with the pregnancy. I think the gives me my answer really doesn't it.

I have spoken to the father and he says if I keep it he will have nothing to do with either of us. I have no support network apart from my best friend. So again, that gives me my answer.

Thanks all, I know what I need to do. Now time to go to a job interview and pretend everything is fine for a minute so I can build a life for the chil I already have!

OP posts:
HowardSpring · 09/05/2019 10:23

OP - good luck. But do talk to a professional. A job interview sounds like a very positive step whatever your circumstances.

Original poster
Regreteitherway · 09/05/2019 14:08

Thank you, I am looking into counsellors. Hopefukly find an online one!

OP posts:
FryTime · 09/05/2019 15:33

Great big hugs to you, I think you have made the right decision for the right reasons.

Have a look at these two links which might be right up your street for online counselling...
www.crisistextline.uk/ You can text them.
and
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/ If you want to speak to someone or email them.

Hope your interview went well.

agnurse · 09/05/2019 16:10

Here is a big pro: the child is already alive. He/she is already here.

If you are not in a position to care for this baby, it is still an option to place him/her for adoption. You would not be the first person to place a child for adoption when you already have a child - in nursing school I cared for a mother who chose to do this. Likely you won't be the last either.

Coolegary1 · 09/05/2019 16:17

I second pp. If you're thinking you can't end it like that then listen to your gut. Something inside is telling you not to do this despite all the rational. Yes it'll be tough but also you and your two Babs can survive. The father doesn't and shouldn't get off Scot free either.
Take another few days to think about your options. I get the feeling you will regret it if you went for a termination.
Hugs to you.

Tessabelle74 · 09/05/2019 16:22

I genuinely feel for you OP 🌸 if you're already suffering with your mental health, I'd be worried how a termination may affect you. I had one nearly 20 years ago and I have zero doubts it was the best thing for me at the time for numerous reasons, I still know the month I'd have been due so I've never forgotten it. Having another child will also be hard so you really need to decide which option will be the least likely to harm your mental state less. Really wishing you all the best 🌸

WestBerlin · 09/05/2019 16:23

I would terminate in your circumstances. Why make your life and that of your existing child harder than it needs to be. I also wouldn’t want to tie myself to a jackass like that for the rest of my life.

Original poster
Regreteitherway · 09/05/2019 17:54

Agnurse I know that. I really do know that. But should I be putting another child into the system? To inevitably be miserable?

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 09/05/2019 17:55

Focus on your existing child and quality of life you can choose not to be miserable or feel bad about not proceeding but see it as an investment in you and your existing baby.

agnurse · 09/05/2019 18:17

If you decide to adopt your baby out privately you will not be putting him/her into the system. You can speak to an adoption agency and in many cases you can choose the parents of your children.

Less than half of children in foster care are even available for adoption.

WestBerlin · 09/05/2019 18:24

If adoption is not for you it’s not for you, don’t feel compelled to defend not doing it.

No one should expect a woman to go through the emotional, mental, physical and financial turmoil of an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy if she doesn’t want to.

Original poster
Regreteitherway · 09/05/2019 18:51

Thank you WestBerlin

OP posts:
TacoLover · 09/05/2019 18:53

FlowersI would never tell anyone to have an abortion, but in your circumstances I would consider a termination. The part of your OP that stood out to me the most was that you cannot financially support another and you are just managing with one. Unfortunately I don't think this baby would be fair on your existing DC, I think you should put him firstFlowers

bamboofibre · 09/05/2019 18:58

You're making the right decision for you. Someone always comes onto this thread and suggests giving the baby up for adoption, you didn't ask about that and I always wonder if these virtue signallers have done it themselves (I suspect not). If it's not for you, that's fine!

dumdumdeedum · 09/05/2019 19:04

How are you managing now? Do you work currently?

I think it will be hard to carry on, but if I was you I would. Ask for support from HV and midwives for MH.

I know this sounds crazy, but if you really didn't want to risk pregnancy you wouldn't of taken the risk. It's different if it's a conception fail.

Best of luck whatever you decide. Thanks

ReganSomerset · 09/05/2019 19:08

So sorry, OP. Flowers