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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DP for demanding an apology?

68 replies

Whatisnormalhere · 09/05/2019 07:33

My DP is mad at me....
I asked him if he had looked for any jobs lately. He said he did yesterday when I took our 2 year old son out. But he had a friend over that day... and when we came back he watched TV all night so I didn't believe him. I told him I think he's lying. He got upset and said I owe him an apology. He showed me that he had applied for 3 jobs. But they were on the 6th, not yesterday which was the 8th. I pointed this out but he didn't care. He said I owe him an apology again. Also I asked him why he didn't tell me about the jobs. He said why do I have to tell you? I said because it would be nice to know you are actually looking... 😐
Now he isn't talking to me till I apologize
He hasn't been able to find and hold a job in the time that we have been together, almost 3 years now. For those wondering, I'm a stay at home mum.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:

Gilead · 09/05/2019 09:12

Before you comment, read Madaboutwand's posts

BelulahBlanca · 09/05/2019 09:12

Lots of people work with depression. Why do you fear work? Is it to do with social side? Can you work from home or a small local business?

Whatisthisfuckery · 09/05/2019 09:12

OP your DP sounds like an irresponsible lazy manchild. What’s more you’re being dragged down further by staying with him. I can tell you now that you’ll never progress when you’re living with a useless lazy partner in his gambling addict parents. If you want better for you and your DS then you’re going to have to grasp the nettle and leave him, find somewhere to live yourself and get a job when DS goes to school. Once you have your own independence you’ll find it much easier to go out into the world, because at the moment you’re waste of space partner is dragging you down. Are you quite young? Have you lived independently before? I’m guessing you probably haven’t and that maybe fear of the unknown is stopping you and in turn making you depressed. Unfortunately you are the only one who can stop this cycle, and doing that will take some courage, but as your life doesn’t sound like it has much to offer at the moment then you’ve got nothing to lose and much to gain.

Good luck OP, please try to find the courage to sort your life out. The inevitable result of raising your DS in this environment will be him turning out like his father. If you don’t want that to happen then you need to be the one to show him a different way of being. Your situation sounds like shit and you need out.

StoppinBy · 09/05/2019 09:15

I just want to say, assuming that you mean your son's elbow was dislocated then you are being very unfair to judge him on that. My DD's elbow dislocated about 4 times when she was younger, every single time it was when I was holding her hand and she pulled away (she used to be a runner), her elbow popped out very easily, it is why parents shouldn't swing their children by the arms as this is a big cause for it too.

It is not caused usually by neglect and as they grow and the ligaments strengthen the elbow tends to stop popping out.

That aside if your partners parents are letting you stay there 'until he finds a job' I can see why he isn't looking for a job very hard. Labourers work even with no experience is pretty easy to come by.

Upzadaizy · 09/05/2019 09:16

Why did you have a child with this loser?

Glad I'm not paying taxes to support his laziness ...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 09:16

Before you comment, read Madaboutwand's posts

Absolutely.

OP has answered the questions I asked...

She cannot work
She wants to change things but is, as many women find themselves, trapped

Can any posters with Australian knowledge help OP with info on how she could get herself and child somewhere safe and supportive!

BastardGoDarkly · 09/05/2019 09:17

Well said MadAbout

Some people love putting the boot in.

OP, what about your family? Are they in the picture at all?

Whatisthisfuckery · 09/05/2019 09:21

And OP, just to say, the other inevitable consequence of your current predicament is that when your man child DP gets fed up of you you’ll be out on your ear with no money and nowhere to live. You’re putting yourself in a very precarious situation, which in turn will mean you put up with a lot more crap than you otherwise would, and take it from me, that is never a place you want it be. Essentially you are the one who has the least but you have the most to lose, and if you feel helpless at the moment, that’s nothing to what you’ll feel if you leave things as they are and then wish you hadn’t. Things can and will get much worse, believe me, and every day you leave it the harder it’ll be to get away. You’re stronger than you think OP, but the more you sit on your hands the weaker you will feel.

Missingstreetlife · 09/05/2019 09:22

He is a deadbeat from a deadbeat family, not gonna change. At least you have a roof over your head for now. Will his dp put any pressure on? If not just decide if you can put up with it, or make other plans

Boysey45 · 09/05/2019 09:37

Lots of people cant work with depression either, it depends how it affects you. I've had it and I couldn't think straight, couldn't remember anything at all, wanted to cry all the time and was furiously angry.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 09/05/2019 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HappydaysArehere · 09/05/2019 09:48

The trouble is that the longer you don’t get work or attempt to the harder it will seem to do so. You need to get a job and leave the situation you are in. My daughter was married to someone who preferred being at home and was determined not to work. He used every excuse he could. Didn’t even take a job offered to him and left one he had for a week. He won’t change. He doesn’t want to work.

EL8888 · 09/05/2019 09:53

@katseyes7 quite!

One of you has to work surely?! Your partner is clearly work shy after 3 years of no work

BollocksToBrexit · 09/05/2019 09:56

OP I've been where you are. I'm autistic and was young and actually married to a useless fuckwit like yours. I couldn't work because of my condition and knowing there's no way he'd look after DD properly. And it quickly became apparent that he had no intention of working and supporting us. So I really do know what I'm talking about when I say ditch this freeloading dead weight. You will feel so much better because you'll feel more in control of your situation. You'll probably find that you mental health improves too, because his dead weight is dragging you down.

It was hard getting out. The fear of the unknown, the emotional manipulation and the worry of making it alone. But one I 'escaped' it literally felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The moment I knew I was free I straightened up and stood taller. A few years later I met a wonderful fellow autist who from day 1 has fully supported my DD and I and life is now sweet.

jameswong · 09/05/2019 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MNHQ

JoMumsnet · 09/05/2019 15:09

Thanks for the reports about this thread.

We've been through and removed any posts that we felt broke our Talk Guidelines. We've noticed that many of the deletions have been for disablist posts, while others have been removed because they were really not in the spirit of the site.

Mumsnet exists to make parent's lives easier and if there's one thing we could all do with, it's some understanding and moral support.

BlueJava · 09/05/2019 16:29

Yabu - You could work a leave the childcare to him OR you could leave him. You have to face the fact hat if he hasnt got a job in 3 years he isnt likely to get one anytime soon.

HypatiaCade · 09/05/2019 16:37

What state are you in?

Also, you are considered common law partners, so in a break up you are entitled to a share of his assets, although tbh it doesn't sound like he has any.

You are entitled to family benefits, you are also entitled to rent assistance. The benefits system in Australia is better than in the UK.

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