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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a week off?

36 replies

scooter125 · 09/05/2019 01:12

Is it unreasonable to want a week off? Have a stepdaughter (21) who has a whole raft of MH issues, who abuses us on a daily basis, with threats, occasional violence, ludicrous accusations etc etc etc.
There's no way on earth we could ever go on holiday with her and she can't be left alone. I dare not even suggest to her mother that I jet off to Spain for a week on my own. You see it's a bit of a thing with me. As I child I wasn't taken on holiday, then for twenty years I was with my ex who wouldn't travel because of "nerves" (?) I'm stuck here and to be quite honest I'm losing the will. I watch constant videos on YouTube of jets landing in Malaga and Alicante and just think. I know I'll wake up tomorrow morning to the rain running down the window pane and it all starts again. Oh joy.

OP posts:
churchthecat · 09/05/2019 06:38

Of course you should have a week off.

Can't the DM take responsibility for one week?

Armadillostoes · 09/05/2019 06:43

Oh Scooter that must be so tough! You have every right to want a holiday.

Also, unless your DSD is suffering from a very short term crisis (and sadly it doesn't sound as though she is) making her utterly dependent on you two isn't helpful or responsible. What will happen when you are both older and it becomes impossible? Also, can it really be a good strategy for enabling her to gain as much independence as is possible in the medium term?

boredboredboredboredbored · 09/05/2019 06:53

You should go, for your own mental health. If you were my partner I'd completely understand and encourage you to go. Have you spoken with your partner about it?

UnPocoLoco2 · 09/05/2019 07:25

You deserve a week off. Have the parents take care of their own child. Or contact adult social services for help/advice. Not sure I'd care for somebody else's sn child, my own is challenging enough.

dudsville · 09/05/2019 07:29

Would you be able to book a week to yourself or with a friend? Could be wonderful!

Pipandmum · 09/05/2019 07:33

Sounds like you both could have some time away. Respite care? What treatment is she getting - can you ask if there’s something available?
In any case you both need to consider how to go forward from here - one week away is not going to resolve anything in the long term.

stucknoue · 09/05/2019 07:35

Why not look into respite care, you need help ... and a holiday!

Drogosnextwife · 09/05/2019 07:38

You should look into respite care. I bet your DW could do with a week off aswell.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/05/2019 07:40

This is your life. You couldn't help not being taken on holiday as a child,but as an adult you do have agency.
You spent 20 Years not travelling because of someone else's issues ( but I'm guessing you still ended up splitting up) and now the same thing is happening again.
I think you should be asking yourself why do you dare not being this up with your partner? What would happen if you did? If she (?) leaves you over it, then that shows she can manage without you anyway. Clearly she managed without your constant presence for the 20 years you were with your previous partner.
Being constantly available doesn't seem to have helped your stepdaughter to date. And even if it did, she has at least one parent who is not you.
Don't ask permission, go. If you feel bad you could help out extra support in lace for the duration of your absence, but it's not actually your job to do that!

Rain0ntheW1nd0w · 09/05/2019 08:13

I love traveling, so it's a vote from me to book & go !. Do you have a friend that can go with you ?

Howyiz · 09/05/2019 08:18

Why on earth would you need permission from your partners ex wife to go on holiday? How did they manage their daughter before you came on the scene?

ChoccieEClaire · 09/05/2019 08:25

I'm assuming that she is daughter to yout partner? Does she spend time with her Father or any other family member?
Your DP needs to understand how much her DD's behaviour is affecting your own Mental Health.
I think you need to address this with her and tell her you need a week off. Do you have family or friends you could go with?
Supporting someone with MH issues is exhausting, you will be no good to anyone if you don't have some R&R yourself Smile

Original poster
scooter125 · 09/05/2019 21:35

She's my partner's daughter, her dad (partner's ex husband) died five years ago. One of the biggest disagreements between my ex-wife and me was never travelling abroad. I've not brought up the subject of a holiday with my partner, I kind of know the answer..
Seems to be history repeating itself! Made worse somehow when I did an ancestry DNA test and discovered I'm part Italian. When I was little my grandparents were always off to Majorca, never thought of taking me with them though, I'd have loved it!

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 09/05/2019 21:41

At 21 I would be looking into respite care for dsd . It’s hard to get but not impossible

apacketofcrisps · 09/05/2019 22:19

So have you never been abroad on holiday? Do it!

Original poster
scooter125 · 09/05/2019 23:35

Went away for the first time when we got together, I was 43, feel I've got a lot of catching up to do, I'm 60 next year and no-one lives for ever..
Remember coming into land at Amsterdam and seeing the traffic driving on the other side of the road, bouncing about in the seat like a child.. Managed a few trips away before it all went wrong a few years ago. I'm sure that it doesn't help that partner is an ardent brexiter and I'm definitely not. Something about the Little Englander mentality..

OP posts:
fargo123 · 10/05/2019 06:24

YANBU

I'd book it and go and wouldn't care what partner had to say. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first.

abuses us on a daily basis, with threats, occasional violence, ludicrous accusations etc etc etc.
Frankly, from the sounds of it, I'd want the rest of my life off from this and would seriously consider it during my holiday.

Thehop · 10/05/2019 06:30

What Fargo said ☝️

Book yourself that holiday and have a think about what you’d like your life to look like when you get home.

It’s definitely too short to be miserable.

Come back and tell us where you’re going

HBStowe · 10/05/2019 06:32

Definitely take a break. If your partner doesn’t even want to go, I don’t see why you can’t go alone or with a friend. If she is worried about managing her DD on her own you can look into options for extra help while you are away, but it shouldn’t be a reason for you not to go.

QuickQuestion2019 · 10/05/2019 06:36

Ah so you're effectively Dad? As her dad passed away? That's really tough. But yes you should absolutely have a holiday. Perhaps you could offer partner a break when you get back though?

Mummaofmytribe · 10/05/2019 06:36

Hellsbells you need a holiday. See if you can get respite care and your partner wants to come but if she says No then I think you have the right to say it's something you need to do. And you'll be doing it at least once a year as you have a lot of catching up to do. You're not leaving her with a horde of little ones underfoot on her own!

user1474894224 · 10/05/2019 06:45

Sorry but MH issues or not you are entitled to live without threats of violence or accusations. From an outside perspective of someone who has just read one paragraph about your life.....this girl must have been through a tough time losing her dad. But....she sounds like she's been allowed to get away with bad behaviour because of it. She is now an adult. She needs to realise that if she continues to want your help and support she needs to behave better. (I'm not unsympathetic....but MH issues are not an excuse for bad behaviour). As others have said....you need to consider your long term future. What do you want from life.

fedup21 · 10/05/2019 07:00

You’ve been in a relationship with someone for 20 years who wouldn’t let you travel and you have jumped into a relationship ship with an ardent brexiter (you don’t sound enamoured with that!) who you’re too scared to suggest a holiday to. That doesn’t sound like the healthiest of relationships without throwing her dependent 21 year old into the mix!

I’d want some freedom approaching 60 if I were you, OP. Are you happy in this relationship?

Skittlesandbeer · 10/05/2019 07:24

Bugger going away once, plan a whole slew of cheap short breaks. If you are worried about travelling alone then sign up for group trips or connect it to a hobby or festival.

Do a practice trip, then try going further afield.

You sound like someone who will enjoy the research and anticipation almost as much as actually being abroad. Planning far ahead will allow you to really indulge your fantasies and read all the 300,000 TripAdvisor reviews of every landmark and cafè!

Your partner (and DSD) will just have to get used to it. It’s not mean or against them. It’s just a normal middle-aged thing to do. Holiday separately from partners. Very common. Very doable!

I live on the other side of the planet and have a primary school aged kid. I just booked a ticket today for a 2 week trip 17,000kms away from home. Put it on Facebook and got 100% positive comments.

Maybe your DSD’s health issues have made you feel isolated and trapped, but there are other realities out there. Help your partner find ways to feel supported and encourage her to break out of her anxieties too. Do it by example. You’re not joined at the hip. Go abroad while your hips still let you!

QueenArseClangers · 10/05/2019 08:15

Have a browse on here and get booking.
www.holidaypirates.com/