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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Introducing a new partner too soon AIBU?

50 replies

FP22 · 09/05/2019 00:05

Please lend me your thoughts/suggestions as I’m having a bit of trouble with this.

Me and my sons mum had a pretty difficult break up around 18months. We have over about the last 6 months started to build bridges for the sake of our son and to be able to comes to decisions together. We have him 50/50, he is 3 and is a happy and affectionate child, everything I good.

Recently he started to mention about a holiday and another mans name. I asked his mum and she laughed it off as imagination. Weeks went by and the same name came up a few times. I asked if someone was in the scene, nothing,

Skip to about a week ago and it turns out that there is a new man on the scene, very recent, she has introduced him to our son, he’s stays at their house and they have booked a holiday to take our son away for a week.

1/ Am I right to be concerned about how quickly someone new has been introduced into our sons life and how do people manage this?
2/ Am I right to be annoyed that non of these things were discussed with me?
3/ Am I being unreasonable to think that going on holiday so soon isn’t right (especially over Father’s Day)?

To put any question of my thoughts feeling to bed, I am solely concerned about my son and not what his mum does when he isn’t there. She has also asked me to ask her permission before I ever introduced someone into his life so I’m absolutely perplexed that this has all happened without even the courtesy of a conversation. What do I do from here?

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 09/05/2019 00:15

Nothing. She may have been seeing him a while before introducing him. It’s not your business. As for asking her permission, well clearly you don’t need to.

Fiveredbricks · 09/05/2019 00:16

I imagine she's been seeing him for a while longer than you think, OP.

However I also feel this might be a reverse?

Crustaceans · 09/05/2019 00:23

^1/ Am I right to be concerned about how quickly someone new has been introduced into our sons life and how do people manage this?*

People do it differently. But PP are right that she may very well have been seeing him a lot longer than you realise. And it may be more serious than you are imagining.

2/ Am I right to be annoyed that non of these things were discussed with me?

Your ex doesn’t have to discuss her life and choices with you. If you don’t want to go back to the acrimonious first year, then it’s a good idea to really come to terms with this.

3/ Am I being unreasonable to think that going on holiday so soon isn’t right (especially over Father’s Day)?

See 1 and 3 above. If fathers’ day is during her time with you DS then she’s entitled to do what she likes really.

SkinnyPete · 09/05/2019 00:33

Introducing new partners and when, there are no right answers really. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, irrespective it timing. Being concerned is natural, and asking your ex questions 'only relative to the impact of your son' is appropriate. Anything beyond that is none of your business.

I don't think she is obligated to discuss these things, although I'd say it's courteous to do so. I wouldn't be annoyed, but I'd be a bit disappointed I'd not had a heads up to help manage son's feelings/expectations.

Timing of the holiday just depends. As I said earlier, the timing is different for everyone. Over father's day is a bit insensitive, and I'm surprised you've not arranged contact on that day as an exception to your schedule.

Her lying to you is a bit of a dick move. Assuming you're not an abusive ex, and giving her reason to hold back full disclosure.

You seem to mostly have your head straight, but just getting a bit overly pissy about a few things rubbing you up the wrong way. Your son will be fine, so I'd try not to sweat the small stuff and learn how to let go view your ex parents. Good luck.

SkinnyPete · 09/05/2019 00:35

*how your ex parents

Original poster

FP22 · 09/05/2019 00:36

She told me it’s a new thing which is why she hadn’t mentioned it before.

@Fiveredbricks a reverse??

So I should not take any notice of who is in my sons life and I should expect the same the other way round?

On the holiday, it’s over my time with our son predominately but I obviously agreed. But to not even have a conversation about another guy going seem odd and Iv never even met this person. I kind of feel like being open and honest is in everyone’s interests and acting abit more cautiously to introducing other partners is in the best interests of our son

OP posts:

Original poster

FP22 · 09/05/2019 00:39

@SkinnyPete cheers, that’s pretty reasonable.

OP posts:

FreshAprilStart · 09/05/2019 00:47

In an ideal world it would be great if parents who separate can find a way to have an agreement on how best to approach these things in the best interest of the child.

Unfortunately sounds like you thought you had that and have now found out different. That must be very disappointing and hurtful.

However.

It now comes down to you still being that great parent even when you've been let down. Is it in your son's best interest to see his parents bicker over this? Of course not.

Try not to get acrimonious over this. Try and be that better parent.

agnurse · 09/05/2019 00:51

As long as your son is not being abused, no, you don't have a right to dictate how your ex parents. You are responsible for your son at yours and she is responsible for him at hers.

While it would be courteous for her to introduce her new partner to you, it's not a requirement, nor can you usually make it one.

Mintychoc1 · 09/05/2019 00:51

If it’s a new relationship she shouldn’t have introduced him to your son. She has plenty of child free time to carry out a relationship.
She’s being selfish and irresponsible.

Mintychoc1 · 09/05/2019 00:54

And of course you have a right to be involved in how your son is parented. Jesus are we supposed to think that anything that isn’t abuse is completely fine? How low must the bar be set??

pantsville · 09/05/2019 00:57

Unfortunately yes, you have to accept it. You really have no other option. By all means voice your concerns to her if you think she will listen, but ultimately how she parents your son when he is in her care, is up to her.

Original poster

FP22 · 09/05/2019 01:19

@Mintychoc1 thank fuck for you, I was thinking the same!

I am in no way a dictator, I only care about our son and his happiness. This new guy could be amazing, but I think you have to do your due diligence as a parent before bringing people into a child’s life. It’s certainly what I would/will do.

OP posts:

Original poster

FP22 · 09/05/2019 01:20

She has also booked to go away with this new person at the same time it is our sons birthday, so I am a little bit dubious of her decision making

OP posts:

pantsville · 09/05/2019 02:51

That's just your opinion though. It doesn't matter how strongly you feel about it, or how justified your opinion is - you have no way of enforcing your opinion because as it is, the child is safe and cared for.

SpareASquare · 09/05/2019 03:24

I never really get the handwringing over new partners. What exactly is the concern?

These things turn into a big deal because the parent getting all pissy over it makes it a big deal. Children are wonderfully resilient until we screw that up.

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2019 03:33

The thing is though, of course you have a right on how Your son is patented but you, and she, have zero control or say in ex's partners. Unless of course they are abuse etc to your child. And even then it's the courts edge to get to decide what happens. Personally it would be too soon for me but then I don't really guest men so would be dating so soon. However, this is just what happens when two parents split. You don't get a say who she dates or when she introduces her date, male or female, to your child, just as she doesn't get a say.

As long as your son is healthy and happy, it's just your opinion, which harsh as it seems holds no meaning. A man or woman can't dictate to each other who the ex sees. It's controlling behaviour.

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2019 03:33

So manytypos. Sorry.

Graphista · 09/05/2019 03:42

You don't know how long she's been with him though

"Very recent" could simply mean he's very recently been introduced to your son. She could have been seeing him for several months or longer or known him a long time and so feels it was handled appropriately.

You're right to think about it but you can't control it, you just parent and support your son.

And frankly given your own situation with your other child I think it's a bit rich to judge your ex when it sounds like she's handling things pretty sensibly in comparison.

HennyPennyHorror · 09/05/2019 04:53

You have a right to an opinion on how your son is parented during his time with his Mother but unless your son is in immediate danger then you have no right to ask for anything.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 09/05/2019 06:08

It's all very complicated.

In a perfect world she would have told you
But, no she didnt have to.

As for introducing new partners quickly, it is worrying. When someone is constantly doing it. However, waiting doesnt always means it's best for the kids. I know 2 people who waited around a year to introduce new partners and then the kids just clashed with the partners. One relationship ended with much heart break. One ploughed on despite the kids being very unhappy and all sorts of drama being created in the last few years.

It's a bit rubbish that she booked it over fathers day. Especially if you, for example, let her spend the day with ds on mothers day if it fell on your time with him. Personally, I would have raised that with exh and asked him if he minded, if there was a reason that week could not be avoided. But if exh asked me about booking a holiday over mothers day and there was a reason I would be happy for that to happen.

Her asking about fathers day wouldn't mean, the right thing is to automatically say, no.

Mintychoc1 · 09/05/2019 06:27

Mumsnet double standard as usual.
Because the OP is a man, he’s getting told to mind his own business.
If OP was a woman, saying “I’ve recently met a new man, he spends lots of time with me and my son, and he’s coming on holiday with us”, she would be absolute slated. She’d be told that she should wait a year, and that she has 50% of her time child free, so should be using that time to see her new man.
OP you have every right to be pissed off about this.

glasshalf · 09/05/2019 06:31

You absolutely do have a right to know and be told. Your son whether he's with you or mum is still your right to know he's safe. Why would mum not say though if you're both happy and been split a while it makes no sense. Just ask her outright . She would expect the same from you and whilst some may say "none of your business" it is , he's your son 100% of the time whether you have him or not his care and well-being is paramount and you just want to know the other person is a good one that's all :)

Firewitch · 09/05/2019 06:34

I was in an almost identical situation a few years back.

I have 2 DD’s from a previous relationship who were 5 & 8 when I met my current partner. I was with current partner for 7 months before I allowed him to meet my girls and he didn’t stay overnight for another few months after this, because I wanted my girls to build up a bit of a relationship with him before allowing him to stay overnight when they were there. I also informed their father before I allowed DP to meet the girls - not because I thought he should know that I had met someone else (as it was none of his business) but because I didn’t want them going to his and speaking of “mums boyfriend” If he had met someone else, I would have expected he do the same, it’s a bit of respect really, isn’t it?

I do think you’re right to be concerned that she’s allowed your son to meet her new partner if it’s a brand new relationship, but she may have been seeing him a while - maybe you should find out the facts first.

Firewitch · 09/05/2019 06:40

Sorry, I’ve just seen you wrote in a previous post that she said it’s a new thing.

In that case, you’re right to be concerned and she should have discussed it with you first IMO.

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