Introducing a new partner too soon AIBU?

[FP22]

Please lend me your thoughts/suggestions as I’m having a bit of trouble with this.

Me and my sons mum had a pretty difficult break up around 18months. We have over about the last 6 months started to build bridges for the sake of our son and to be able to comes to decisions together. We have him 50/50, he is 3 and is a happy and affectionate child, everything I good.

Recently he started to mention about a holiday and another mans name. I asked his mum and she laughed it off as imagination. Weeks went by and the same name came up a few times. I asked if someone was in the scene, nothing,

Skip to about a week ago and it turns out that there is a new man on the scene, very recent, she has introduced him to our son, he’s stays at their house and they have booked a holiday to take our son away for a week.

1/ Am I right to be concerned about how quickly someone new has been introduced into our sons life and how do people manage this?
2/ Am I right to be annoyed that non of these things were discussed with me?
3/ Am I being unreasonable to think that going on holiday so soon isn’t right (especially over Father’s Day)?

To put any question of my thoughts feeling to bed, I am solely concerned about my son and not what his mum does when he isn’t there. She has also asked me to ask her permission before I ever introduced someone into his life so I’m absolutely perplexed that this has all happened without even the courtesy of a conversation. What do I do from here?

It's interesting as there are often threads on here from women with similar concerns who get told a different story!
Fwiw yes, I do think too soon and yes I do think she should have told you and give you the opportunity to meet hi.

I'm guessing as your her ex a, she knew how you would react and b,she wanted to keep the peace as long as possible

“However I also feel this might be a reverse?”

Why do MNers fall over themselves over reverses? Either way the scenario remains the same.

Mumsnet double standard as usual.
Because the OP is a man, he’s getting told to mind his own business.

I dont speak for all of mumsnet, but what I posted is exactly what I have posted to women asking the same thing in the past.

You absolutely do have a right to know and be told. Your son whether he's with you or mum is still your right to know he's safe.

No he doesnt have the right. She should discuss it with him. But there is no obligation too.

The fact that he is with his mum, is an assumption he is safe. If the OP, has other reasons to believe his son isnt safe in the care of his mother then he needs to be doing something and should have done before this. But it doesnt sound like he had concerns about his sons safety, before this.

It’s none of your business really. While she is with her son her rules apply. Would you expect to tell her if you were seeing someone else? What would you do anyway? Veto your son meeting his mum’s friends? You really can’t do that.

At least she is setting the boundaries of how you communicate (or not) when it comes to new partners.

Depending on how 'new' the fling is would depend on how unreasonable it is for her to be going on holiday with dc and him.

As exp I don't think you have much rights in terms of say so of what an ex gets up to. I do think good parents would let the other know especially if new partner is staying overnight so that the other parent could help allay any fears the dc have but they don't have too.

Is contact court ordered? Because 'special' days are sometimes set out then.
So you get Father's Day, she gets Mother's Day, your own birthdays etc

I never understand this mentality of ‘its none of your business you have no right to care’. If a stranger is potentially going to have a huge part in your child’s life then of course you will care, and worry.
I absolutely think the reasonable thing to do, is for the parent entering into a relationship serious enough to introduce to a child, to have a conversation with the other parent. Just a heads up at least.
In an ideal world I don’t think children should be introduced to new partners for a long time, but in reality it’s not always easy.

It’s not a double standard, it’s two different situations.

If a single parent commits to a new relationship very quickly and wants to involve their DC with the new person too soon that is unwise and likely to go wrong. Many posters would advise against this. It’s better to take your time over a new relationship, really get to know the person, become sure it is a serious relationship and introduce your DCs later on.

If an ex is concerned about the other parent introducing DCs to new partner too soon, it’s an entirely different situation. An ex can not control what the other parent does even if she makes unwise decisions unless they harm the DC.

So OP, your ex is behaving unwisely but, unfortunately, it is her parenting mistake to make.

All of this ‘none of your business when he’s with his mum her rules apply and you have no say in it’ makes me glad my kids have no contact with their dad. What sort of shit attitude is that to co parenting. How awful for everyone involved. Imagine having no say whatsoever in 50% of your child’s life.

For me, it's far too soon. My children never met my now husband until I was pretty certain we'd marry. It meant 6 months of seeing each other one night a week and at work and then a very slow introduction. I didn't feel any need to tell my X though.

It's not a double standard it's about how much control the OP has.

When someone posts about introducing a new partner they are told, rightly, that this is risky and it's best to be more cautious than you'd think. The OP then has that information and can make the decision they think is right.

When someone posts about their ex making a parenting decision they disagree with, including introducing a new partner, they are usually told that it's not something they have any control over, which is also true. Whether or not it's a good decision is irrelevant, because it isn't their decision. Getting all het up about it isn't in any way constructive or helpful. If they could have a rational discussion with their ex they probably would have done that, rather than posting on MN about it.

I've definitely seen women posters told the same thing when their ex introduces a new partner too soon.

People get annoyed about reverses because the poster in trying to present the other side tends to see it as a totally one dimensional issue without any nuance.

On threads like this when mums post it’s a very different response.
Yes you do have a right to know who is spending time with your son; my DH and his ex always had an agreement that they’d tell each other when new partners met DSD. Her mum didn’t actually keep to that agreement unfortunately and there’s very little you can do. There’s no point causing an argument over it and you can’t change the current situation. If it would go calmly maybe ask to meet the new partner but if there’s any chance of an argument then I’d leave it.

I’m afraid Mintychoc is wrong. It really depends on how things are going between them and what kind of relationship they are having.

I would say you do not know exactly how long they have been together (May be 2 or 18 months, some people move on quickly from relationships especially if there was not much love left before the split).

I told my ex that I was going out in dates with someone because I didn’t want him to know about it through gossip. It was out of courtesy but in all these years I have not found a single person who doesn’t say “why the hell did you do that???” When I mention about it, so I suppose it is not the regular thing people do.

You don’t know in what circumstances your kid met his mum’s boyfriend. I met my first partner after divorce in a BBQ we both had been invited where we both were with our kids. The kids got on like a house of fire so we had a lot of days out together with the kids and other families before we became a couple, so the kids were in from the get go, even if it took them some months to learn we had become a couple.

IMO and experience it is better to introduce the kids sooner rather than later, obviously not as “here is mike, your new stepdad” but as “this is mike who is joining us for lunch” so you can get an idea about how mike gets along with your child and see them interact before things get too formal (obviously this applies only for people who are clearly a keeper not for random men you know nothing about) so she may not be as irresponsible as some people may lead you to believe.

And no, you don’t have any rights to know anything that happens in the other parent’s contact time. You don’t have the right to call the shots either or decide who your children meet and when. The only times I have seen a former spouse or partner having such influence after split is when there is a vey good relationship between them or when there are very clear issues of control in the parent placing the demands, demands the other parent cannot ignore due to years of abusive conditioning.

I think I'd be more annoyed at missing both DSs birthday and fathers day. I would not have agreed to that regardless of who was going. She is BU for going away at that time.

It is far too soon, I agree but sadly nothing you can do.

I'm going to go against the tide here and say that it's wrong to introduce a child to your partner until you're sure it's serious and to not even discuss that person with the other parent is really bad! When you meet soneone, you have no idea of their history, they could be anyone who could want anything from you or your child so taking it really slowly is decent parenting. I'd be furious if my ex decided to start having his partner over with OUR children present without even having the decency to run it by me first and I would extend him the same courtesy before introducing anyone to OUR children.

I don't think your ex should have discussed it or asked your permission but out of courtesy should have told you. You shouldn't have to pick it up from things your son said and she shouldn't have lied about it.

Is it too soon? Hard to say. We don't really know how long the relationship has been going. But let's hope she has been cautious about introducing someone new into her young sons life. I have friends who grew up up with too many nuns new friends in their lives who they would get used to, and fond of and then would go away.

But it's important that you accept where you are now and get in with it. What's done is done. Keep up with the Amicable co-parenting and don't let this get in the way. Keep looking ahead and enjoy life. Don't get pissy. It's not worth it - this is not a bid deal.

I think it’s undoubtedly too soon and if I was in your shoes I would be concerned plus cross that he hadn’t discussed introducing a new partner with me, especially if we were on ok terms. But mostly concerned. It’s a massive thing.

All this ‘respect’ and ‘coparenting relationships’ stuff assumes that you are dealing with a fair and reasonable person. Without casting aspersions on the OP, we don’t know this is the case. His ex may have a very different tale to tell. Look at all the tales you hear on MN about abusive/controlling relationships; are we really expecting women to continue to give controlling men the ability to control them even after they manage to LTB?

I do not (and would not) discuss anything about my life with my ex. He was abusive and is still manipulative and controlling. I am not giving him any suggestion that he has any right to comment on my life or decisions I make. I lived with that shit for a decade and it nearly destroyed me.

He would probably present a very plausible sounding story about how he’s solely concerned for his son (with undertones of ‘she’s just not got his best interests at heart’, because that’s his MO). That’s the way he is. It’s not true though.

Even if this OP is not one of those exes (and he probably isn’t), it is still the case that he doesn’t get any say in what his ex does. She simply does not have to check things with him if she doesn’t want to. That might not be ideal, but the OP is best off coming to terms with it now as it is the situation he is in. He said that things were difficult for the first year after they broke up - there is a danger that it could go back to that, and that’s no good for anyone. We all have to deal with the ex we have, not the one we wish they were.

OP: If fathers’ day is your contact time, then it’s not ok for her to have booked a holiday with your DS. It’s not her time to decide what to do with. It’s a difficult situation as you’d end up as the ‘bad guy’ for vetoing a holiday. So I’m not sure what you can do there, other than to clarify the contact arrangement and try to agree that neither of you will interfere with the other’s contact time.

I few things to say here on control. I was told by my sons mum that I should ask her permission to get my sons hair cut and take him to the dentist despite these two things not being done. I don’t wish to exercise any form of control or put boundaries in place to her being happy. I would take time off work to allow her to holiday with the new partner if we had time to sort it, I’m not fussed what she does in her spare time when it doesn’t involve our son, when it does that where I have an opinion.

Again, I’m reasonable to know and expect that I will not dictate how she makes decisions, but we should both be reasonable enough to discuss issues which could have an effect on our son. Like I said, he might be wonderful but it’s got to this point without so much as a conversation which I think would have been the bare minimum, personally.

In what I would do. I would wait at least 6-12 months to get to know that person properly and ensure it was something serious and going to last. I would have talked to his mum, as that is what she had requested of me previously, out of courtesy and to maintain harmony between us all. I will still that regardless because I believe that’s the right thing to do for my son

I also agreed to the holiday because again out of being reasonable and we are both shift workers so our leave system can be difficult. I just feel like it’s a bit of dagger to do that with a new man over Father’s Day but maybe I’m being overly sensitive

Have you celebrated Father's Day in previous years? Perhaps she hasn't realised if it wasn't a big deal in her family growing up? If it's something she knows is important to you it does seem a bit pointed.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are dealing with someone who is not entirely reasonable, and a bit controlling here. And hypocritical too.

It’s not great. But you cannot change her.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be upset over the fathers’ day thing. But, pragmatically, it doesn’t sound like there’s anything you can do. You are trying to be as reasonable as possible. Sadly, we don’t always get that back from the people we deal with.