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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Snubbed headbride

49 replies

Kaitey · 08/05/2019 21:31

My best friend has really upset me regarding her wedding. We have been best friends since we were 4 (28 now) and my best friend is getting married. I was super excited when she asked me to be head bridesmaid and I helped arrange the engagement party and arranged a huge hen night which weve already had which she loved and went so well and a smaller one we will have just before her wedding. Her wedding is now 6 months away and I've not had any input into bridesmaid dresses ( I found out what we were wearing through another bridesmaid who already had her dress), not helped with invites, wedding dress shopping or anything really. I found out she had brought a wedding dress through Facebook. I just commented saying super exciting. She texted me later on that day saying sorry I didn't invite you I went spur of the moment with my mum.
I've brought her wedding planners, table plans etc and she sent me a pic of the table plan that her and another bridesmaid had put together and asked what I thought.
I'm not at head table, the bridesmaid who helped with the table plan and told me about the bridesmaid dress is. I asked my friend why this was and the reply I got was " I don't care who's at head table if you want to sit there then I'll just add an extra seat at the end".

Am I being irrational? Just feel really upset that I seem to have been snubbed. The other bridesmaid has only been in my best friends life for just over a year. She's a really lovely girl I just feel sidelined but don't want to cause problems as I know it's a busy time for her.
It's pretty clear her and the other bridesmaid are planning everything. All I've been asked to do is the calligraphy on place settings as I'm a professional caligrapher

OP posts:
BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 08/05/2019 21:36

If I was you I'd leave them to it and just go along on the day and enjoy yourself.

churchthecat · 08/05/2019 21:41

Is the other girl the maid of honour? It sounds like she might be.

Lazypuppy · 08/05/2019 21:42

You sound intense! You know its not your day right...

FedUpWife18 · 08/05/2019 21:48

I’d just speak to her and ask if you’ve done something wrong as you thought you were head bridesmaid and would be on the table with her etc. She might just have thought that asking you to do too much would be asking too much of you. As for the top table, I’d be confused by that.

Stoplookandgo · 08/05/2019 21:49

Without wanting to be rude , I thought the main point of bridemaids was to have someone to hold the flowers, look pretty in the pictures. Ive been bridesmaid a few times and it would never occurred to me I'd be involved in the planning of the day.

TheFaerieQueene · 08/05/2019 21:51

Your thread title error is a tad Freudian.

FireflyEden · 08/05/2019 21:51

YABU, this is not about you, fgs get a grip.

Hwory · 08/05/2019 21:55

Yeah I’d be a bit miffed if I missed out on wedding and bridesmaids dress shopping. The only fun part of being a bridesmaid!

ThreeFish · 08/05/2019 21:58

Is she just stringing you along for the calligraphy for free?

Expressedways · 08/05/2019 21:59

I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times and have never planned the day or gone dress shopping. Nor have I ever sat on the top table, I’ve always been sat with DH with the other bridesmaids and their DPs... I get that you’re excited and have made a lot effort with the hen do etc but you’re taking this all way too personally, it all sounds perfectly normal.

JustCallMeSliths · 08/05/2019 22:00

I wouldn't take it personally. I know exactly what you mean (I posted something v v similar last year). In my case I came to the conclusion that I was a bridesmaid because the bride felt I should be and she wasn't bothered either way.

It was disappointing as I was looking forward to helping plan. Like you, I found out what dress I was wearing from another BM and had no input/help with anything at all.

But as other people have said, it isn't about you. In the end I just approached it as if I was a wedding guest with a few bits to do on the day.

Advice on here was to step down because it was upsetting me. But that is a really bad idea because of the potential fall out.

plunkplunkfizz · 08/05/2019 22:01

What kind of help did you want to provide for invitations?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/05/2019 22:02

Did you ever agree with her what your "duties" would be?

I think you were probably "supposed" to do the hen party etc, and it sounds like the other girl is the maid of honour and is doing the planning parts? Perhaps to stop her wedding taking up a huge amount of any one persons time...

GoFiguire · 08/05/2019 22:02

How many brides are there?

Ineedamanipedi · 08/05/2019 22:06

Did she actually say you were “head” bridesmaid? Is the other girl maid of honour?
Either she’s just a laid back type and doesn’t want to bother you with planning stuff/shopping (does she realise you want to do all that?) or she has a better time when alone doing stuff with her other friend. Maybe she feels the dynamic is off when there’s the 3 of you? Maybe she’s asked you to be bridesmaid more cos of the length of time you’ve known one another rather that how good the friendship is now (i.e. she’s closer to this other girl but feels a sense of loyalty to you).
Or maybe she’s just a bit of a cow! Ps. This is a bit outing for you (how many people are professional calligraphers)!

Original poster
Kaitey · 08/05/2019 22:07

Thanks everyone. Had I just been asked to be a bridesmaid I would have expected this but as I was asked to be head bridesmaid and she made big announcement I was to then not be at head table and not even know what dress I would be wearing I feel left out. Sounds daft I know, I know it's not my wedding etc I'm just really happy for her and wanted to be part of it. She's not stringing me along for free stuff she's not like that at all I just feel like a spare part. I know it's not about me which is why I haven't said anything just thought as head bridesmaid I would have more involvement x

OP posts:
Echobelly · 08/05/2019 22:11

People have different ideas about, and different knowledge about, what's expected of BMs. Honestly, I knew nothing about it so if I'd had bridesmaids when I got married (I didn't) I'd probably have just taken them to buy bridesmaids dresses and expected them to turn up on the day in them, which presumably would have upset some of them if they were expecting to be super involved with the planning. So TBH, maybe she thought naming you head BM was enough and she didn't want to bother you by asking you to do loads of things?

Some people prefer or believe BMs are there for every step of the planning, others just want them with them on the day, so unless you've discussed what was expected and she's not given you that, it's probably a matter of different expectations.

magoria · 08/05/2019 22:11

Sorry I think she has only invited you to be bridesmaid because she thought she had to due to your history. The calligraphy is a bonus.

At present the new friend is the friendship she wants more right now, she has moved on. You have your friendship on a different level to her.

She doesn't care where you sit sums it up.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/05/2019 22:14

these Brides, do like using people to get something for nothing don't they OP.. Flowers

Ineedamanipedi · 08/05/2019 22:18

By the way I’m getting married in a few weeks and I’d love to have a bridesmaid like you - mine are crap! I’ve had no help with anything really but then again I haven’t asked so maybe it’s my fault. I’m even wondering whether to buy my own veil/plastic willies/l-plate etc for my hen this weekend as I seriously don’t know whether any of my friends will do it and I don’t want to ask!
You sound like a good friend.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/05/2019 22:21

Awww no Ineedamanipedi Sad

pick up the phone and call all your girlfriends Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2019 22:22

Plastic willies, Ineeda? Shock (clutches pearls!)

SeaViewBliss · 08/05/2019 22:23

I can’t get past you having had the hen night when there’s still 6 months to go? Have I read that right?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 08/05/2019 22:26

What is a head bridesmaid? My maid of honour didn't come dress shopping with me as I was out with DM saw a little shop went in and found my dress. I planned my hen do, she did organise some party favour type things which was nice of her. We went BM dress shopping but only because she is quite a difficult shape to buy a dress for (big boobs but petite). She also gave me a lovely set of PJs and robe to wear while I got ready and was there on the day, fending off my slightly overly excited DM and plying me with champagne, she also wrangled the two year old flower girl. She was s superstar, but I wouldn't have expected her to pan my wedding for me! Maybe your duties are more about on the day

thenightsky · 08/05/2019 22:30

There's six months till the wedding, yet the hen night has already been done? Confused

Is this a thing now?

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