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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Snubbed headbride

49 replies

Kaitey · 08/05/2019 21:31

My best friend has really upset me regarding her wedding. We have been best friends since we were 4 (28 now) and my best friend is getting married. I was super excited when she asked me to be head bridesmaid and I helped arrange the engagement party and arranged a huge hen night which weve already had which she loved and went so well and a smaller one we will have just before her wedding. Her wedding is now 6 months away and I've not had any input into bridesmaid dresses ( I found out what we were wearing through another bridesmaid who already had her dress), not helped with invites, wedding dress shopping or anything really. I found out she had brought a wedding dress through Facebook. I just commented saying super exciting. She texted me later on that day saying sorry I didn't invite you I went spur of the moment with my mum.
I've brought her wedding planners, table plans etc and she sent me a pic of the table plan that her and another bridesmaid had put together and asked what I thought.
I'm not at head table, the bridesmaid who helped with the table plan and told me about the bridesmaid dress is. I asked my friend why this was and the reply I got was " I don't care who's at head table if you want to sit there then I'll just add an extra seat at the end".

Am I being irrational? Just feel really upset that I seem to have been snubbed. The other bridesmaid has only been in my best friends life for just over a year. She's a really lovely girl I just feel sidelined but don't want to cause problems as I know it's a busy time for her.
It's pretty clear her and the other bridesmaid are planning everything. All I've been asked to do is the calligraphy on place settings as I'm a professional caligrapher

OP posts:

PlanBea · 08/05/2019 22:31

I didn't have my maid of honour or best man at our top table. My logic on it was best man would rather be sat with his fiancée, bridesmaid with her friends. I know I'd rather that than beside the parents of the couple.

Is she having the other bridesmaid on the top table? It sounds like she just wanted it small or even a sweetheart table with just the two of them.

horizontalis · 08/05/2019 22:37

The bride, her mum (sometimes + sisters/aunts) and to a lesser extent the groom are the ones who plan the wedding.

I wouldn't really expect bridesmaids to do much more than organise the hen do and be there on the wedding day to be honest. I took my best friend wedding dress shopping, but that was only because my mum had died several years before and I had no other handy female relatives to go with me.

Laiste · 08/05/2019 22:41

Was it ever agreed in advance what your role would entail OP?

Did she give you head brides maid status more because of length of time you've known each other rather than what your duties would be?

What i mean is if i had old and new friends as BMs it would feel a bit wrong making a very new friend the 'head' bridesmaid over any older mates. Then if for some reason i'd rather take the new friend dress hunting it would end up like the situation you describe. Awkward. Y'know?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/05/2019 22:42

I've brought her wedding planners, table plans etc without consulting her? It sounds like you're trying to go off and do bits of her wedding without her, which is odd. The table plans etc was something i did with DFiane as he was.

It is a bit odd that she's not bothered to get you to try to a bridesmaid dress on at least to see if it suits / fits you.

The wedding dress shopping sounds normal tbh, especially if she was lucky enough to find one first time

The table seating is odd. i wonder if this other girl has got in her ear about how she can't wait to sit up there etc or do you have a partner / child that she thought you'd rather sit with?

It seems a bit of both of you tbh. Call her, suggest coffee to catch up on all the wedding plans, ask her what is left to do and what she needs help with as you want to make yourself useful as head bridesmaid. Ask her what she wants you to do on the day (to clarify if you are head bridesmaid but this other woman in maid of honour). seething and repressed resentment won't help anyone in the long run

Ohyesiam · 08/05/2019 22:49

Talk to her and tell her you want to help. If she says it’s covered day you’re disappointed but you’re not expecting her to do anything about it, you just pictured it different.

thelastgoldeneagle · 08/05/2019 22:54

I went dress shopping with a good friend. We bought her dress. I was not bm. My dd was my friend’s Flower girl. So who buys the dress is not necessarily important...

specterlitt · 08/05/2019 23:03

Just because you're "head bridesmaid" does not mean you will be involved in every aspect of decision making, it does not work like that at all. If you want to be more involved, let her know, I bet she would appreciate it. However, don't be upset because she's going ahead and sorting things without you - most bridesmaid would be happy and she actually sounds decent that she's not pressuring others to sort things for her and is getting on with it.

She offered you to sit on the head table also, so what is the problem? Just because you were selected with a different title, does not mean she must run everything by you and that you're more special than her other friends. These titles more often than not mean nothing, the fact you are a part of her wedding suggests she thinks of you as someone important in her life.

Be there for her as best as you can, ask if you want to be more involved but please remember that no matter how happy you are for her - this day is NOT about you and your feelings. Be a good friend and do your best by her, that's all most brides who haven't become insane, want.

SrSteveOskowski · 08/05/2019 23:07

I've never in my life heard of anyone being "head bridesmaid"
Maid of honor yes, but head bridesmaid, definitely not.

Nanny0gg · 08/05/2019 23:10

I can see why you're upset.

The wedding dress shopping - some brides will just go with their mums.

Wedding planning - usually bride + groom + parents (maybe)

Table planning - see above

Bridesmaid's dresses, usually chosen by the bride or in consultation with bridesmaids - especially chief bridesmaid.

So it is unusual where this other girl has been involved and very strange she's on top table and you had to ask.

I think you've been Wendied. (someone else has moved in on your friendship)

Grainedmonkey · 08/05/2019 23:19

Yes I agree something is amiss here. Perhaps the Bride is using you for the place settings as suggested by someone earlier. You should be sat at the head table .

Passtherioja · 08/05/2019 23:32

Don't let anyone make you think YBU by being miffed-you are well within your rights to feel put out but get your head round the situation and either ...

get on and enjoy the day-and the fact you won't have any responsibility so you can relax
have it out with her and ruin the friendship and miss the wedding
stay miffed, turn up, don't enjoy it

...I suggest number 1 x

Bigbus · 08/05/2019 23:38

Dear OP

You sound lovely. People do get carried away a bit with weddings and new friendships. One of my oldest and best friends who I have known since I was 13 (who was my bridesmaid) had her hen do on a weekend I couldn't make it. At the time I was really sad - I hadn't been to many hen dos, I had two small kids, was really excited to go etc. Anyway, I held my tongue and time has passed and we are still really close and those other people who could make the other date have come and gone. I'm so glad I didn't lose my friendship over it and later my friend did say she wished I'd been there but I was always "no worries" about it to her.

What I'm trying to day is that weddings can make people a bit mad. You are absolutely doing the right thing to support your friend and keep how you feel to yourself. With such a longstanding friendship, it's this that will endure and you'll be glad you remained so calm and kind through all this nonsense.

(That said, I totally understand why you are sad about this)

bridgetreilly · 08/05/2019 23:41

There's six months till the wedding, yet the hen night has already been done? confused Is this a thing now?

No, no, you've got it wrong. Only the big hen party has happened. The normal-sized one is nearer the wedding.

This is all bonkers.

palahvah · 08/05/2019 23:50

The only thing I'd be miffed about here is not being in the conversation about here bridesmaid's dresses. Sitting at the top table is never as fun as the other tables, and doing table plans etc is just a chore.
Pick up the phone, arrange a coffee and catch up with her as friends, not bride and bridesmaid.

BlackPrism · 09/05/2019 01:08

I believe that you are her oldest friend and the other girl is her best friend... she's probs tried to divide it to stop either being upset. Get over it, not your wedding

2019Oscars · 09/05/2019 06:19

I think Karen, from “Outnumbered” made herself head bridesmaid in an episode!

pinkdelight · 09/05/2019 07:06

Agree with blackprism and also think it's fine to feel like a spare part when the wedding is six months away. Do the calligraphy if you still want to then turn up on the day and enjoy it. It's okay for two of her friends to mean a lot to her for different reasons. It's not a competition and it's okay to share tasks. Try to forget about the titles and hierarchy, it's obviously a bit more freeflowing in practice so chill and go with it.

ShinyShoe · 09/05/2019 07:21

How many bridesmaids has she got?

Ferii · 09/05/2019 07:29

@Stoplookandgo I've been bridesmaid a few times and it would never occurred to me I'd be involved in the planning of the day.

The role of a bridesmaid is to help the bride not to be ornamental. It actually irks me when bridesmaids do nothing to help the bride and then throw tantrums about their dress and looking pretty.

Hollowvictory · 09/05/2019 07:32

Lol at 'head bridesmaid' 😂you're interfering and bei g very demanding. Leave her to it, it's not your wedding.

CherryPavlova · 09/05/2019 07:40

I wouldn’t even have considered that there was a head bridesmaid.

I certainly wouldn’t expect them to be involved in tasks like wedding dress shopping; surely that is more traditionally the role for the brides mother who is paying?

My daughter just sent links via WhatsApp regarding bridesmaids dresses, so all of them can say if there’s an issue. It shouldn’t be just one person choosing what a group will wear, should it?

Bridesmaids are a bit of prettiness and fluff for the day. Not much more than a frame for the bride, really. I wouldn’t get too worried about not doing much. There isn’t much for you to do.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2019 07:43

Yeah, you've been sidelined.
Although it does rather sound like the plot of Bridesmaids.
Standard etiquette is that the chief BM sits on top table, whether or not the others do - so for you to be not placed there, and the other BM is, suggests that you have been usurped even if you haven't been "officially" replaced.

Up to you what you do about it, though - there isn't really a good outcome if you say anything, best thing is to just suck it up if you want to stay good friends.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2019 08:13

For those sneering at Head Bridesmaid I assume OP means Chief Bridesmaid which is an established role in many weddings.

OKBobble · 09/05/2019 09:19

It sounds like you were planning your own wedding buying planners etc. and organising a hen weekend already. Maybe she took a step back from you because yiu were overwhelming her. Perhaps she chose the bridesmaids dresses without you so she could have the look she wanted and thought you would be foisting yiur taste on her wedding.

You need to just follow what she wants rather than being so proactive. Save that for your own wedding.

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