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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does anyone else feel like they are skimming along the surface of their own life?

27 replies

DementedSlug · 08/05/2019 21:04

Because I do, and it's a strange feeling.

I have young children - primary age to baby- and a busy job, though I work part time. I've a lovely husband, friends, nice house,all in all I'm very happy with my life. There's always lots to look forward to and enjoy.

It all just goes so fast though - my youngest is almost out of the baby stage. She's been a dream baby and I've thoroughly enjoyed her, but I look back and it's as though I can't remember so much of it already. All the things I was looking forward to when pregnant - they happened, they were wonderful, but zoom, they're gone, and I feel like I only barely touched the surface. It's like that with a lot of things,big and small.

I'm probably not explaining very well - it's not depression, or being too busy, as I feel that I do have a good balance in life. It's just....this inability to get any deeper.

Does this make sense to anyone else?

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 08/05/2019 21:06

For a whole host of other reasons I totally get it. Don't know what to say more.

MsChanandlerBoing · 08/05/2019 21:08

I get it too. I feel like life is just happening to me rather than me living it.

Oldstyle · 08/05/2019 21:09

Don't know if this is relevant but plenty of research suggests that to be fulfilled (which is different from superficial happiness) we need to be 'self-actualising' - realising our full potential, learning and growing. Maybe all this busy, happy surface is a barrier to that? No time as you say for in-depth reflection, for growing as a person in your own right.
Just a thought!

MayFayner · 08/05/2019 21:10

I find I wish my life away waiting for things. But then I also have this huge sense of loss that I didn’t appreciate times in the past.

Original poster
DementedSlug · 08/05/2019 21:10

Yes, it's a little bit as though life is just happening, though not exactly that either, because I feel like I do have quite a bit of control over life and where I'm going - some big decisions and risks have worked out well etc. But then when I look back at them, it's like there's this fog between steps A and B and I can't quite remember or see how I got there

OP posts:
Original poster
DementedSlug · 08/05/2019 21:13

oldraver- possibly. Though I feel fairly confident in my skin on a day to day basis, but I could probably dedicate more time to myself

OP posts:
MariaNovella · 08/05/2019 21:14

It’s quite easy to live a life where most decisions are made for you. You might think you are making your own decisions but actually you are doing things because governments or corporations or other institutions, or even family members, are creating conditions in which you have very little leeway.

Snowfalling · 08/05/2019 21:15

It sounds as though your life is so full on you don't have time to savour the moment. It's a feeling of life passing you by.

I feel the same often that I'm just existing. Skimming the surface. I feel disconnected from my own self at times. Multi tasking has a lot to answer for, for this constant whirring in our heads.

The one thing that helps me is mindfulness, meditation and Prayer. You don't have to be religious to pray. You can try affirmations, or breathwork. It makes me feel centred and grounded. I feel alive and peaceful in that moment and sometimes that peace carries onto other areas of my life like a gentle warmth.

Take a look at headspace app. You can do free trial before you commit to buying it.

I do walking mindfulness where you simply walk without music etc. Listening to bird song is very calming as well as forest bathing. Or even just focusing on that one thing we're doing at that moment. Even if it's just breathing. Especially if it's just breathing.

Scanon · 08/05/2019 21:16

Yes. Mine comes from constant, relentless domestic/childcare tasks (I have 4 children) and no time for 'nothingness' and reflection.

I need some space to break it up a bit, but no chance if that yet.

BadmintonBadass · 08/05/2019 21:17

It’s such a relief to see someone else describe how I so often feel. I have my beautiful DD but as you described, it’s like time has whizzed by and I don’t remember so much. I feel very much like I go through the motions of life and don’t feel any of the good moments as deeply as I want to.

Justbreathing · 08/05/2019 21:18

I think lots of people look forward to enjoying the moment. More than when they’re in the moment. The fantasy of the dream- even with little things
How you change that I can’t tell you.

Snowfalling · 08/05/2019 21:20

I've found this little book really useful. It's literally tiny with small mindfulness exercises you can do any where

Does anyone else feel like they are skimming along the surface of their own life?
Cynara · 08/05/2019 21:22

I get it. I recognise exactly what you're describing and I also think that Oldstyle has got it spot on. About 2 years ago when my son was a toddler and I had a lovely calm, close and happy relationship with DP; my career was flying and we were newly living in a beautiful home, I was terrified by the distance I felt between me and my lovely life. It was as though I was watching it on a screen or existing passively while it happened around me. I still have that feeling sometimes, but I've definitely found that pursuing the self-actualisation and self-development that Oldstyle writes about has helped me to hold on to a feeling of reality. I don't know what your circumstances are, but looking back I think that for me the feeling of detachment stemmed from a very chaotic and unstable upbringing, so when my life was lovely far beyond anything I'd ever imagined I couldn't believe it to be real and couldn't "live" it, if that makes sense.

Hohofortherobbers · 08/05/2019 21:24

MayFayner (I find I wish my life away waiting for things. But then I also have this huge sense of loss that I didn’t appreciate times in the past)

Here here

Snowfalling · 08/05/2019 21:24

Keeping a journal to scribble in your feelings, thoughts and a list of things to be grateful for, just a few minutes a day can be a way to connect with yourself.

I think we're too much in our heads thinking, worrying, planning that we forget to just be. Mindfulness is excellent for addressing this.

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 08/05/2019 21:26

How you change that I can’t tell you.

Be conscious of and enjoy the every day? I don't mean things like being thrilled at washing up pans Grin But just taking a minute to step back and value what you have - a conscious cuddle with your DC, sitting in the garden with DH feeling the sun and enjoying the breeze, saying to a friend how much you enjoyed doing XYZ with them. A day is made out of little things. We are all so busy but these days I make a conscious effort to do only one thing at a time. It's a form of mindfulness I guess?

theboomtownrat · 08/05/2019 21:27

Yes I totally get you and I've thought the same so many times OP.
We are so busy all week then the weekend goes in the blink of an eye. Makes you just wonder what it's all about 🤷‍♀️

MrsElbadrama · 08/05/2019 21:28

This is so interesting. I've often felt like this and haven't really been able to put my finger on what it is. I agree with PP about being more fulfilled and not being able to live a life you didn't expect.

Am currently working on trying to live more "mindfully" more time for my hobbies, proper quality time with DH and friends, less screen time (going well Hmm) and lots of sleep and relaxation exercises. I definitely feel more conscious of everything going so much quicker as I get older and I'm only in my early 30s...I think a chaotic lifestyle means I can't take it all in

RedBerryTea · 08/05/2019 21:31

I have a good friend who likes to be busy busy busy. I'm not sure what she's running from or avoiding. So many people seem to be like this. I like to smell the flowers, literally. I like to be quiet, reflective. Make time for yourself to reflect OP. Connect with nature, observe the seasons, daydream. Cut back on socialising, let the floor mopping wait and just be with your little ones. This is one of my favourite poems, it's by William Henry Davies......
What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

ScatteredMama82 · 08/05/2019 21:32

Gosh yes, absolutely. I couldn't be happier with my DH and our two gorgeous boys. I have a good, flexible job and lovely friends that I am grateful for every day. But I am just so busy, I often get the feeling that life is whizzing by, particularly where the kids are concerned. Every day I resolve to 'enjoy' them more, but every day there is so much to do. That's why I love going on holiday, there are no 'chores' or admin, just time to be us. It's during holidays that I really slow down and enjoy life, enjoy my kids, even find time to read a book!

Original poster
DementedSlug · 08/05/2019 21:37

Not being able to quite believe this life is mine due to past experiences - yes, that makes a sort of sense. Without going into boring detail, ten years ago nobody, least of all I, would have expected me to be in the position I am in now. I've achieved a lot in the past few years, and actually, for the first time ever, there's nothing I need to fight or work towards right now - I can just enjoy where I am at the minute. Perhaps that contributes to the odd disconnect.

I do find as I get older that I feel things differently - I am calmer now, and more contented, but I don't feel things "in my gut" in quite the same way, which can be a good or bad thing really

OP posts:
julensaor · 08/05/2019 21:40

I find I wish my life away waiting for things. But then I also have this huge sense of loss that I didn’t appreciate times in the past.

I think a lot of people do this, including myself. When you have your baby, it is shocking how fast that tiny baby becomes a self-motivated, independent person. I feel it is shocking because my childhood seemed to last forever and my adult years fly past. I agree with previous posters, mindfulness and learning to be in the moment are strategies (even though I don't do it, because I procrastinate about learning the strategies... the irony) and also if you look at qz.com/1516804/physics-explains-why-time-passes-faster-as-you-age/. or theconversation.com/why-time-seems-to-go-by-more-quickly-as-we-get-older-63354 it explains some things in a more mundane matter. I think try more to cherish the moments, but we also do tend to paint the past in whatever way bolsters who we are or feel as a human.

madeofstarlight · 08/05/2019 21:43

I feel like this so much and have started keeping a diary and find it's helping a bit as I can look back through it to remember how I felt about events etc as they were happening.

It's a horrible feeling but having spoken to friends it seems to be so common!

800msprint · 08/05/2019 21:48

Me too to all of this. It's quite scary. I'm going to download the headspace app and tomorrow I'm going to focus on just being in the now and take it from there (we'll see how that goes whilst I'm headless chicken trying to get kids ready for school!)

Justbreathing · 08/05/2019 21:48

@RedBerryTea
That’s lovely thank you

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