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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cut off by sisters, aibu for not telling me them a family member has died?

77 replies

Wickedxx · 08/05/2019 19:02

To explain my relationship with my sisters would take weeks so I'll cut it short. I've always been the odd one out with my sisters but since my mum died 3 years ago we have had no relationship whatsoever. I was always made to feel like I wasn't good enough was the main reason. Since cutting off from them my mental health has massively improved. They have always been a poisonous influence on my life.

Since my mum died they have also made no attempt to contact my aunt and uncle (both in their 80s). That included no thank yous for gifts to their children. I have kept in regular contact with them and they have watched my sons grow up.

Anyway my aunt called me today to let me know that one of our uncles had passed away.

They didn't live locally so only really saw him at family parties, weddings etc

As they have made no attempts to keep in touch with my elderly aunt and uncle (they were like grandparents to us growing up) am i being unreasonable thinking they have no right to be told about my other uncles passing?

I have blocked them on all social media and messaging so the only way I can let them know Is by passing a message through a mutual acquaintance.

What do you mumsnetters think?

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 20:26

It sounds like you were punishing him for moving away from your family. I’m sure it’s more complicated than that.

I just think the death of parent usually trumps a lot of other stuff.

Wallywobbles · 08/05/2019 20:29

No one told my ex husband that his grandfather had died. Me included. For very good reason. He was a disgrace at his fathers funeral.

magoria · 08/05/2019 20:55

If they wanted contact with your aunt and uncle they would have kept contact.

I don't think you should break your NC to tell them.

IAmTheChosenOne · 08/05/2019 21:04

Yeah I know I probably should tell them. I just worry they would decide to turn up at the funeral. I know I shouldn't be selfish but I would feel very awkward and uncomfortable.

This isn't your funeral to organise though, what does your aunt want? It isn't your prerogative who to tell and who not to tell because it is your personal preference.

Lizzie48 · 08/05/2019 21:12

This is a very difficult one. I think you’re under no obligation to tell your sisters about your uncle’s death. You could explain to your aunt that you’re no longer in touch with them and don’t want to contact them now. Someone else in the family can do this.

Yorkshirelady · 08/05/2019 21:20

Tell them. Simple as that.

Branleuse · 08/05/2019 21:29

Youre not the only one who could tell them, so the buck doesnt stop with you. I wouldnt bother

Memeface · 08/05/2019 21:30

I wouldn't tell them. You are not a family P.A, if they want to be in the loop, then, they need to step into the loop, not wait for others to do their contact work for them.
You could tell your aunt that you are no-contact with that side of the family, and you'll leave the ball in her court regarding telling people.
Xx

Gigglinghysterically · 08/05/2019 21:44

YABVU to think that your siblings have no right to be told about your uncle's passing.

There are often extended family members that people aren't in touch with, although they haven't actually deliberately severed contact. I don't see an uncle and aunt up north but I would go to their funerals.

I would definitely pass on a message to family I was NC with our if common decency. Don't let your aged aunt have to do it when she is probably very upset and mourning.

If your siblings go to the funeral then you need to just be a grown up and remember it isn't about you. Remember whose life you are there to honour. Rise above your awkwardness and discomfort for the sake of your elderly relatives.

ANewDawn10 · 08/05/2019 21:45

Why cant your aunt tell them? Or another family member?

stucknoue · 08/05/2019 21:59

Either send a message through the mutual acquaintance or write on paper. Whatever the history telling them gives you the moral high ground. Don't be petty like them

S1naidSucks · 08/05/2019 22:01

I want told when either of my parents died. I hadn’t been in contact with them for many years, so it was no surprise that the one sister was still there, didn’t tell me. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You don’t owe anything to your siblings, if they’ve been out of contact. We, who break contact gave bare our decision, so gave no right to complain. That’s the breaks.

S1naidSucks · 08/05/2019 22:01

I wasn’t told...

Tingface · 08/05/2019 22:02

You’re not in contact with them.
If your Aunt wants to tell them, she can.

I am NC with some of my family and I wouldn’t tell them if someone had died. If they had relationship with that person, they’d know.

S1naidSucks · 08/05/2019 22:02

Have made our decision*

I need sleep. yawn

Figure8 · 08/05/2019 22:06

Tell them your self.
Just send a text, it's fine.

specterlitt · 08/05/2019 23:46

The funeral is not about you and your feelings. Funerals are often uncomfortable and full of emotion. If you don't wish to tell them yourself, maybe ask someone else to pass the message on. Nonetheless, you do not get to dictate who can and cannot come to the funeral, they were related to all of you and whether you all get along right now is not of any relevance. They have the right to decide if they wish to pay their respect, just as you.

springydaff · 09/05/2019 01:16

I completely understand you not wanting them around. Unless you've had this sort of thing you don't understand it.

I am currently up to my neck in my horrific sisters because our parents are ill. I cut my sisters of years and years ago. It is extremely difficult being in almost daily contact for an extended (timeless....) period. It has sent me into the most godawful spin.

Perhaps tell them after the funeral? I know that's not the best way but my goodness, needs must. If they were in contact with said uncle they'd know through their own sources.

Hopeygoflightly · 09/05/2019 01:19

Tell them. However you need to buy let the. Know

NotWeavingButDarning · 09/05/2019 01:23

OP surely if your Aunt told you then it's up to her to tell them too if she wants them to know. Why is it your decision?

Sweetpea55 · 09/05/2019 05:25

DH has been nc with his parents and family for over 10 years.
If anything were to happen to anyone in his family he wouldn't know because no one would contact him
If, God forbid anything happened to him he's told me not to contact them
They live at the other end of the country to us
It's all very sad but he's adamant about it

Sweetpea55 · 09/05/2019 05:43

Sorry OP. I know Iv not answered you question. I can only agree that it's a difficult situation for you.

Fucket · 09/05/2019 06:04

Well I would ask your aunt if she would like you to inform her other nieces. Maybe she will not mind them not knowing or maybe she may want to reach out to them but need your help.

It’s her choice really not yours. Don’t be spiteful. Sometimes a funeral can jog people to get back into contact, don’t prevent this opportunity. Of course you may have cut all ties with your sisters but maybe your aunt may like the opportunity to at least reach out to them.

DontPanic42 · 09/05/2019 06:21

You have to tell them, it is the right thing to do, they have a right to grieve

NorthernKnickers · 09/05/2019 06:21

I'm guessing that your aunt doesn't know that you've fallen out with your sisters and is simply expecting you to pass on the news...in most extended families, in these circumstances, a phone call like this is used like a 'snow day tree' and one family member is usually randomly picked to pass the sad news on to the rest of that 'branch' of that part of the family. It would be impossible (and ridiculous) to expect a bereaved person to ring every single member of their extended family...so in this case, each separate sister!

You're 'the branch' OP...you've been picked to share this news...so just share it! It will take seconds of your time. You don't even have to speak to your sisters...just send a factual text message.

Turn it round, and imagine, for a second, if your aunt had phoned one of your other sisters, who decided not to tell you because of this feud. Then, you later found out after the funeral...you'd be very upset! Just tell them, be the bigger person.

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