Cut off by sisters, aibu for not telling me them a family member has died?

[Wickedxx]

To explain my relationship with my sisters would take weeks so I'll cut it short. I've always been the odd one out with my sisters but since my mum died 3 years ago we have had no relationship whatsoever. I was always made to feel like I wasn't good enough was the main reason. Since cutting off from them my mental health has massively improved. They have always been a poisonous influence on my life.

Since my mum died they have also made no attempt to contact my aunt and uncle (both in their 80s). That included no thank yous for gifts to their children. I have kept in regular contact with them and they have watched my sons grow up.

Anyway my aunt called me today to let me know that one of our uncles had passed away.

They didn't live locally so only really saw him at family parties, weddings etc

As they have made no attempts to keep in touch with my elderly aunt and uncle (they were like grandparents to us growing up) am i being unreasonable thinking they have no right to be told about my other uncles passing?

I have blocked them on all social media and messaging so the only way I can let them know Is by passing a message through a mutual acquaintance.

What do you mumsnetters think?

Do the right thing and don't be a dick - pass the message on

I just worry they would decide to turn up at the funeral. I know I shouldn't be selfish but I would feel very awkward and uncomfortable

But it's really not about you

I would keep quiet, and let your Aunt tell them when they finally get in contact with her. If they don't bother to get in contact, did they ever really care?

If you DO decide to tell them I would pass on a simple message AFTER the funeral of "Just to let you know, X has passed away." Nothing else.

If aunt and uncle are upset your sisters haven't bothered to attend they may be disappointed you didnt bother to tell them (I understand why you wouldn't but it may seem uncaring to them)

I must say I don't see why it'd be your responsibility - you're not in touch with them? Unless your aunt specifically asked.

And not quite sure I'm following, but it sounds like the aunt/uncle that were like grandparents (who they don't keep in touch with anyway) aren't the ones where one has passed? So to them, wouldn't it be a distant relative...? I wouldn't think you need to go out of your way to pass a message to someone you're not in touch with about people they could have kept touch with but didn't.

If they were invested in the family relationships they would have ensured they kept contact. I personally would not let them know because if I did I would be opening up a dialogue with them.

They can go to the funeral if they please. It would be...I don’t know...oily of you to withhold that information from them. I don’t think you can take it upon yourself to decide who goes to your uncle’s funeral (or not).

Of course I don’t know the ins and outs...but going on the info given, yabu.

I don't think you can choose to rob someone of the chance to mourn their parent. That sounds positively callous.

Everyone has difficult relatives. You don't rob a child of the right to mourn their parent. Cruel

Is unblocking just to send a message possible? I'm sorry for your loss

We've asked siblings if they want to be told before or when a family member dies. They've told us they'll get back to us with that one. . .

I'd let the Aunt or next of kin to tell them, if they are not in contact with the extended family they probably wont be bothered anyway.

Your aunt called you and told you about the death. You could work on the assumption that she also 'phoned your siblings ......and do nothing.

It's a way out of the dilemma you face.

It’s always better to do the right thing.

You haven't robbed anyone of their right to mourn their parent by telling them after the funeral. They can mourn their parent then and for as long as they need to. Not going to a funeral doesn't mean someone can't grieve the same as someone who did.

I don't think it's your information to withhold IYSWIM.
I would either pass the message through the acquaintance or, if you are worried that it will open a line of communication, tell your aunt that you aren't in contact with them anymore.
If they are as uninvolved as you say, they are unlikely to show up to the funeral. And if they do, you needn't have anything to do with them.

Why is it your job to tell them. There are other family members.
I mean if you were the only person then yes you should, but I don’t see why you should have to burden this responsibility

I think you should tell them. If they are unaware they could say something upsetting to the aunt believing the uncle to be alive, unintentionally.

I would tell your aunt your not in contact and leave it up to her if she so wishes to tell them.

If you are NC with them I don’t see it as you obligation to tell them. I’d still pass on the message through the acquaintance though.

If they come to the funeral stay within your own small family/group and don’t approach them directly. You could arrive quite close to the start/wait in car/watch until people start entering.

If they approach you at the wake just be civil/ again stay with those you are most comfortable and leave the if you feel the need.

We weren’t told until a month after his funeral that my grandfather had died. I will never forgive them not giving my dm the chance to say goodbye to her father. She had tried to visit him in hospital but had been told by her family that she would make him worse if she went. Don’t be so cruel, you shouldn’t be using a loved one’s death to punish your family

Does your aunt want them told? I'd ask her "Would you like me to try and contact x and y?" If she says yes, do it for her. If she doesn't, then you have your answer.

Did your aunt want you to pass on the news?

For all you know she’s told them herself!

If someone is already in someone's life they will be aware that they are ill or death is imminent and check in with someone at least for information. If they aren't aware of the situation, then do they care?

I don't think this is your job, you can assume that your aunt told them just as she told you. It sounds like she hasn't, but you can assume it anyway.

I don't get on with my sister and haven't seen her for years, but I messaged her when our other sister died and she messaged me when our uncle died.
You don't have to be friends anymore, but rise above any feelings you have and let them know. Be the better person.

Agednotwine I presume it’s me that you’re calling cruel and callous?

Believe me, I’m not, though I agree to a stranger I would appear so.

We’re a family of very few, and my sibling removed himself from it in a cruel and callous manner about fifteen years ago. He cut all contact with the extended family over the course of those fifteen years. As of the day of the funeral I think he was only in contact with one quite distant cousin.

I owed him nothing after my mum died. My responsibility was to my dad, and to mum’s wishes. I did right by them, my brother took his chances and made his choices a long time ago.

Waffly, but I hope it clarified a little.