To expect DD10 to do at least a few chores?

[Bunnylady53]

Not sure where we went wrong but DD10 basically does bugger all. Think I’m going to have to get tougher. For a start she gets £5 pocket money 2 weeks out of 4 ( the other weeks she gets £2 & £3 due to animal sponsorship) so she needs to start earning it! Interested to know what your kids do around the house. DD’s room is unbelievable!

Ds is autistic so we are working on other skills.. but he should bring his pots to the sink. He is starting to get his own clothes out to get dressed and get his breakfast. He gets his own drinks. He occasionally helps to carry the shopping in.

DD brought dirty washing to the machine and helped put it away. Also brought pots to the kitchen. Started helping with the washing up.

My dd is 11 she has additional need so there are certain things she finds hard but she fills the toilet roll holder, strips her bed when it needs to be washed, puts her clothes in the wash basket, keeps her room tidy and makes her bed. I go into her room and give it a thorough clean every couple of months but she is very good at keeping it tidyish in between. She also packs her own break for school.

Refuses to load the dishwasher!! Wifi off. We all have to work as a team in our house. I'm not running about while others refuse. Bedroom harder. Think you need to do it with her and then daily checks to keep on track

I don't pay my children to do jobs, they are expected just to do them. It si their home, clothes too, and as I see it we are a family and everyone is expected to pull their weight.

My dd is the same as yours, so for example this is what she does, so you are def not unreasonable to expect more jobs to be done:

Makes bed, loads dishwasher, tidies up after meal times, puts washing in the machine, cleans bathroom after use, tidies her room a few tiems a week, makes a simple lunch for herself, she sometimes vacuums, she feeds all the pets daily. Supervised cooking evening meal.

She sometimes washes the car, does a little gardening. So really not a huge amount at all.

If you allow them to become lazy and unhelpful at this age, then you are really setting yourself up for some serious problems once they are teenagers and beyond.

My 6 year old sets and clears table, makes her bed and tidies room, puts dirty laundry in basket and put clean clothes away. Coats have to be hung up and shoes out where the shoes go.8 year old DS does same and makes himself and little sister breakfast and is generally quite helpful.
They are never too young to start helping around the house - how else will they learn?
Pocket money is given as pocket money, not tied to chores. But if they refuse to do as asked then telly time or video game time on the weekend is docked...

My two are 8 and 5.

8 year old has daily setting the table for meals and sweeping up floor after dinner.

5 year old daily has to tidy up the lounge floor of toys.

Both put laundry away, make beds and keep rooms tidy.

I also expect them to empty school backups, put lunch boxes up for emptying and cleaning.

On certain days like weekends or holidays, they will clean their rooms, 5 year old will dust and 8 year old Hoover.

They each get pocket money weekly for making a valid contribution to the family. Chores must be carried out without serious reminding or moaning, they need a positive weekly report of behavior from school and be polite, respectful and do their activities. If we all feel either falls below these expectations, we all decide how much pocket money they should receive.

I never lifted a finger until I bought my own home age 23. Lucky lol.

Apart from keep my own room and clothes tidy and organised.

DD and I together Marie Kondo'd her room. It was far easier for her to keep tidy afterwards and taught her a life skill.
She would recommend.
Previously it was a pit, now it sparks joy!

What is this rubbish of trying to "persuade" her? YOU are the parent and you make the rules. You TELL her to tidy her room or she faces the consequences. Fgs, this is not a democracy. She doesn't get a vote in how she needs to behave. Making her follow your rules does not make you a bad or mean parent.

Rooms not a bomb site (not necessarily tidy, but ie no clothes on floor) is a given. Both DC (11 & 13) have to do that, take turns cleaning their bathroom, feed the pets and empty the dishwasher. They also do their own laundry. Some chores they might be offered some money for, but not regular house upkeep like these.

Dd is 8 and doesn't get pocket money ( she gets a lot more than average to be honest ) but likes to "earn" a few pounds doing chores and will happily write a list on a Sunday and tick them off for us to "inspect" and she actually does a decent job.

She likes folding laundry, sorting socks into pairs, wiping around the bathroom ( I won't let her do the toilet ) and her room.

Generally she loves helping me prep meals and has her own chopping knife, will run her own showers and baths and can wash a few dishes- badly!

She's very independent for her age and I was the same. I love cooking/cleaning/organising and I don't think it's a bad thing to have some life skills around the home.

When my grandchildren stay over, they always clear their plates from the table and before they leave they tidy the rooms they've used and make their beds. This has happened for a few years since the eldest was about 9!

Just despairing - DD came out to help me hang the washing out but then flatly refused to do it. She started saying that it all fell down when she hangs it up. I said just do it like I do & it will stay but she insisted that she does do it like me but it still falls down! Ridiculous & incredibly frustrating! She wouldn’t even try to hang something up to show me. I know she can do it as she helps at DM’s. Ended up shouting at her. She will often make silly excuses like this. The trouble is, we can give her consequences but she’s still getting away with not doing the jobs!

You need to “flatly refuse” to do stuff for her. We don’t pay the DC to do jobs here as a lot of people have said. We all pitch in because we all live here. You don’t have a great dynamic if she’s getting away with just saying no and then not doing things. Don’t get her to help you with things you’re doing if she’ll leave you to do it all. Give her specific tasks she’s responsible for.

I wouldn't be able to deal with this. I start mine helping at toddler age. Just little things like putting rubbish in the bin, laundry in the basket, toys in the toy box, books back on the shelf, putting a cup in the washing up bowl or dishwasher, and helping with the washing machine/hanging/sorting. I do the bulk of it, but I think it important that they help, too, even if it's easier to do it myself. At 10 I would expect them to keep their room clean and tidy, including hoovering and dusting, putting laundry in the basket, making the bed and separating rubbish and recycling. Also, some basic household tasks like laying and clearing the table.

How long has she been doing chores.

My son is almost four, before bath time he has to put all his toys back into the toy bin, he has to help put his clean clothes away, he has to take his plate etc and pop it by the sink after eating. I don’t give rewards/money for chores as no one else will when he has his own place.

My idea is by normalising chores he will do them when he is older, but in reality I know it probably won’t work!

@Bunnylady53

Sounds like she's playing you by pretending to be incompetent

It's not the chores, it's getting her to do them.

I found that talking to DD (9yo) and going through together what she wanted to do, why we have to do chores, what our expectations were etc, really worked quite well. She had some choice over the chores and also knew what mine and DH's jobs were too and that we all have jobs to do at home.

We also talked about suitable consequences. If DD doesn't lay the table, we don't have dinner until she does. If she really won't after that and dinner is likely to be ruined, then she simply doesn't get dinner (can have toast later, but only boring toppings, I'm not super mean). I make dinner, DH does the dishwasher and DD lays the table.

I use 1-2-3 Magic with my youngest, but have been known to use it with DD. It's very clear so she knows exactly what she's being asked to do and what the consequence will be, she gets that message three times.

I guess you need a chat with your DD. Have a good think beforehand on the consequences as you have to be able to follow through on them regardless (as does DH/DP if you have one).

She’s just loaded the dishwasher with ( for her) very little complaint. She has attachment disorder & low self esteem & is forever saying she’s rubbish at everything. It’s soooooo hard to deal with.

Dc are 10,8 & 6

We don't do official pocket money yet. That starts at the beginning of summer holidays before starting secondary school here.

We expect:

Washing to be put in basket
Bedroom to be kept in a reasonable state
Instruments to be practised regularly
Homework & daily reading to be done

During school holidays & some weekends I give them opportunities to earn money (usually to spend on days out) by washing the car / windows, wiping the cupboard doors, hoovering the carpets, moping the kitchen floor etc

They seem to like doing this (& counting their money!)

Our two are 8 and 9.
Daily chores are...
They each have to make their beds in the morning and before bed they look out clean school clothes for the next day.
DS sets and clears the table, drys the dishes, puts the rubbish/recycling out.
DD washes the dishes, wipes down the kitchen surfaces, cleans and refills the cat litter trays (we use tray liners so it's not too yucky a job)

On a Friday they tidy their rooms and bring through any dirty washing.

On a Sunday they strip their beds and bring the sheets through for washing. Then put away their clean/ironed laundry that I've done over the weekend.

I'm another one who doesn't pay for chores. I have an expectation that they will tidy and clean after themselves. DD1 and DD2 have been expected to tidy their toys into their bedrooms at the end of every day. This started at age 2. Now (aged 11 and 16) they cook basic meals, sort and tidy clean laundry, make their beds, empty their bins, put dirty clothes in washing basket, tidy plates away after a meal amongst other things. They learned when small that if belongings were dirty, lost or broken that was entirely their own fault for not putting them away, and the things would not get replaced. So, they learned the hard way.

I didn't involve my kids when they were young so getting them to help was more difficult. However now they are all doing well. Mine are now aged 15, 13 and 10. We rotate dinner responsibilities which are divided to 3: Cooking helper which involves cooking with me, setting the table and getting water for everyone; wiping the table and washing large dishes such as salad bowls, pots and pans. Each child is responsible to clear his own dishes and some of the shared condiments. So each of the kids do each of this, twice a week. When the kids cook with me I use the opportunity to teach them whatever I can so by now they can all cook full meals etc. I use the cooking time to connect with my kids, ask them about their day and give them my undivided attention.
In addition they each have a few morning responsibilities and a few evening ones in their own rooms. Morning includes making their bed and bringing their dirty clothes to the main hamper, opening their blinds and the windows for fresh air, checking the lights have been switched off etc.. Evening include putting their clothes in their own hampers, hanging their towels things like that. We used to have a list but now it's second nature. If I come to their room to tuck them in and see a towel on their floor I say "oh I see your room isn't ready call me when it is" and they call me back after a minute or two. I have a blog about all of this www.facebook.com/helpfulkidz and same name on insta. x Shiri from Helpful Kids

Single Dad RP with DD8.

Gets £5/week pocket money. Not tied to it, but expectations are making beds, generally keeping tidy-ish (with prompting), homework, laundry in baskets... The usual.

Can get up to an extra £3 for dishwasher (load/empty), laundry (sort/load/hang), shopping helper, cooking helper, make own breakfast, run and bath herself, recycle.

Needs a lot of prompting, but she's really happy to help the majority of the time ❤️